


Start Again New

by Plodder



Series: Start Again New [1]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Attempt at Humor, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Meet-Cute, Nurse Anakin, Past Character Death, Past Obi-Wan/Cody, Recovery, Slow Burn, Stalking, Starting Over, The author acknowledges the use of several rom-com cliches, Writer Obi-Wan, abuse of cake, liberal use of profanity, lots of baked goods, older anakin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-11
Updated: 2017-11-30
Packaged: 2018-12-13 22:43:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 56,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11769942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Plodder/pseuds/Plodder
Summary: The usual: two lost souls meet and attempt to fall in love.  There are bumps along the way and mostly sweetness with only a little bit of bitter.One fateful day, Anakin helps his dad cover a shift in his cafe and is thoroughly charmed by a handsome, slightly broken stranger by the name of Ben.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm fixated on writing right now, so I thought I'd try a Modern AU story. 
> 
> I'm calling Obi-Wan Ben because it seems less awkward in the modern verse.
> 
> I hope that you enjoy!!

“The question is not how to get cured, but how to live.”  
― Joseph Conrad

 

 

“I found one for you. Now go bring him cake”

Anakin looked up from the pumpkin loaf he was slicing to see his dad holding a plate with a massive slice of lemon cake and emphatically glancing to the far corner of the café.

“Which one?”

“The little ginger at the high table.” Anakin rolled his eyes.

Everyone was little in comparison to his father, who was currently wearing a massive red and yellow striped cardigan, his long greying hair half pulled back. They were standing behind the counter in his café that he’d owned for the past 30+ years, a turn of the century building with high tin ceilings, lots of house plants, and an endearingly odd collection of art.

“Been coming here everyday for the past few weeks. Clacks away at his computer for hours. Just drinks tea and doesn’t make a fuss. Nice to look at.”

“How do you even know he’s single?”

“I just know.” He smirked. He was probably right, he had decades of people watching from behind the counter. His dad liked to hire drifters and the downtrodden, so café staffing was not always reliable. He also enjoyed being there, observing human behavior and interaction. He probably did know.

“He needs love. And cake.”

Anakin tried to look discreetly without staring. It was no issue because the man was so engrossed in whatever he was working on that Anakin probably could have trotted by with a marching band without him noticing.

“Sweet as can be. Look at his wee sweater. Also, no ring.” Like his father should be judging anyone on sweater usage.

“Dad, stop.”

Anakin had just moved back home, and his dad was convinced he needed a date as soon as possible.

“What am I supposed to tell him?”

“That the owner wanted him to have cake, for being a good customer and all. Don’t overthink it, dear boy.”

Sounds believable, Anakin thought to himself and then did look at the sweater. It was actually nice, a navy blue cashmere worn with a neatly ironed button down beneath. He had on pressed grey trousers, precisely creased. Maybe a few years older than Anakin, his hair was short and auburn above a pale, tidily bearded face.

Anakin knew he wasn’t getting out of this one, but he couldn’t imagine that it would go well. He was wearing an apron, for god’s sake, one that said 'Coffee and tea with Qui' followed by, 'sample our delights, vegan available.'

Anakin tried to wander over to his table, attempting to seem casual. Flirting wasn’t really his strong point; he usually got by on looks and smiles alone. He had to admit that he wasn’t opposed to some company.

On closer view, the man seemed more disheveled. Well, maybe that wasn’t the right word. His clothes looked too big, knobby wrists protruding from the cuffs of his shirt. His eyes were starry grey and ringed by faint violet circles.

Anakin felt guilty coming to hit on him. He looked like he needed someone to feed him soup and wrap him in a blanket, which actually was kind of endearing.

Hesitating, Anakin panicked a little in his approach. Unfortunately, the man stood up at the same time that he tried to turn away, and they collided. The cake flew majestically, splatting frosting side down on the front of the aforementioned sweater before landing on the floor.

Anakin panicked more heartedly. The sweater was coated in pale yellow frosting, covered with sprinkles. He fumbled for a water glass on an empty table, half spilling it and then grabbed a napkin and wet it. Anakin ill advisedly started rubbing the frosting frantically, hoping to minimize the sweater destruction.

He paused and realized he was aggressively rubbing this strange man’s chest. The strange man in question was standing frozen, rooted to the floor and staring at him with huge eyes, as if he couldn’t quite comprehend what was happening and wasn’t sure what to do with his hands.

Say something!! Anakin thought to himself.

“I’m so sorry!! I ruined your sweater.”

Anakin thought the man was about to yell, but he unexpectedly started laughing. His smile was like the sun breaking through the clouds on a stormy day, but just as fleeting. Anakin thought then and there that he would do just about anything to see that smile again.

“Its no matter. It’s an old, ugly thing anyway,” he smiled again, softly.

“It’s not everyday I have some nice man throwing cake at me.”

His accent was provocative, clipped, elegant, and vaguely British. Anakin gulped. He felt like he was 16 again. He was rooted in place, frozen in the power of this man’s charisma.

Anakin was pretty to begin with; he was used to people drooling over him. He’d never felt like this before, and he was far too old to start now. He was fairly sure that the butterflies in his stomach were going to crawl out if he opened his mouth.

“I’ll bring you more tea. What are you having? And cake.”

“I didn’t order cake, though it was lovely of you to bring it over.” He had pleasingly long eyelashes. Damn.

“The owner thought you needed it.” Anakin looked down at his hands. What an idiot, he thought to himself. What a stupid thing to say. He was ready to slink into a hole and hide for a while.

“Well, how can I say no then? Earl grey.” The man touched his hand lightly.

Anakin uprooted himself and scooped the offending cake off the floor. He tried to walk over to the counter in a dignified fashion.

“A little early in the relationship for heavy petting?” His dad was laughing. He already had a new slice of cake and a tea infuser with a little pot on a tray.

“Go back and get ‘em. I didn’t raise a quitter,” he chortled between laughs.

Anakin took the tray and wandered back over to the man’s table. He set it down gingerly. He couldn’t afford to have any more disasters today.

“Here you are.”

“Thank you.” Handsome red-haired man beamed at him in the most charming way.

“I don’t actually work here.” Anakin blurted out. Oh damn.

The man raised an elegant ginger brow and looked pointedly at his apron.

“I mean, my dad owns the place. I help occasionally. I’m not a 30-year-old barista, not that there’s anything wrong with 30-year-old baristas though. I am 30.” Gods, why did he have to ramble when he was nervous? What if this man was a barista?

“Well, 30–year-old not barista, why don’t you sit then? I could use a break.” He gave Anakin a demure side-smile and closed his laptop.

Anakin sat obediently and fidgeted with his offensive apron. The man took a few bites of his cake and eyed him questioningly. He probably should stop referring to him as “the man.”

“What’s your name?”

“Ben, and yourself?” He pushed his things to the side of the table.

“Anakin”

“Lovely to meet you, Anakin. If you don’t normally throw cake at people, what do you do?”

Anakin grimaced. This was a loaded question. His eyes shifted about the room.

“That bad is it? Adult entertainment? Bee-keeping? Carnival rides? Do you raise sheep?”

Anakin laughed. “No, I’m a nurse.”

“Well that’s not bad at all. What sort of nurse?” Gods, he looked genuinely interested.

“An ICU nurse.”

“A noble and thankless calling. Surrounded by the sick, angry, and suffering and driven mad by endless beeping.”

“About right. What about you?” Anakin wondered how he got that so spot on.

“I write novels.” Ben pointed to the laptop.

“Anything I’ve heard of?”

“Only if you like gay detectives in London.” Ben gave him the sweetest wink.

GAY, thought Anakin. He tried not to wiggle in his seat.

“Oh, nice.” Is that all you could come up with, Anakin thought to himself. He could feel the color in his face intensifying.

“You are quite charming, in your own way. You’ve made my afternoon. I do have to meet my word count, though. Do…”

Anakin interrupted him, the words near exploding out of his mouth.

“Will you go on a date with me? Or just have tea or something?” He didn’t think he could possibly blush any more furiously than he already was. This was torture. He should just go to a bar and pick someone up. The thought of that made him feel damn lonely though.

Ben threw his head back and laughed. Anakin felt the color drain from his face. He hadn’t been rejected since he was 15 and his voice still cracked occasionally.

“You are a wonderful thing, aren’t you? I don’t see why not.”

“Will you be here tomorrow?”

“I will, have to meet my deadline or my editor will kill me. I’ll try to get my writing done early, if you’d like to meet after.”

“What time?”

“How about 4?”

“That works for me. I work the night shift, but not till 7.”

“Perfect, Anakin” Ben gave him a long, lingering look and then reopened his laptop.

Anakin tried not to skip away from his table.

* * *

Later that evening, Ben drove his (very reliable and blue, of course) Subaru Forester home, feeling somewhat pleased and somewhat dismayed. He hadn’t physically been able to flirt with someone since Cody, but then again, he hadn’t had any interest either. It had been 2 years. A little voice in his head told him it was a good thing.

Computer bag in hand, he entered his home, a well-maintained, well-loved Victorian 2 story. He and Cody had bought it together as a labor of love and poured their energy into renovating. At least he could think of that now without entering the downward spiral of grief and despair.

As soon as he set his bags down in the kitchen, a vivacious personage entered the house, brightening it with her incandescent personality.

“Hi, my sweet little robin, I’ve brought you your sustenance.” Satine swished into his house, bangles on her thin wrists clacking. She was carrying a large tote bag and a to go cup containing something that looked like it was scraped from the bottom of a bog.

She was tall, slim, and elegant as always, her blond hair caught back into a ponytail. Satine sat at the breakfast bar and pushed the drink towards him. He sat beside her.

“Satine, do I still look terrible?” She turned and looked him up and down.

“Mildly terrible, but not as horribly terrible as you looked a month ago. Your color is better but you’re still skinny as fuck. Why, do you need some compliments?

“Always. I think I met someone today. He’s lovely. He was the most nervous and awkward thing. Which was weird, because he’s beautiful. I almost felt inadequate.”

“My little chickadee, its about time. You’re still gorgeous, you just have a bit of the heroin chic look going on right now.”

“Wonderful. Just what I was going for, late 90s.”

“I know what will help. Drink your juice. I had it made especially for you. There are chia seeds and greens and maca powder and coconut oil.”

Satine owned a trendy juice bar. Everything they made tasted like lawn clippings mixed with dirt and strawberries. This one had a slightly oily film to it. He knew better than to resist. He plugged his nose and bolted in down in 3 gulps. She’d made it her prerogative to get his health back in order, which at times was endearing and at times annoying.

“I’ll put your food away. Tell me about this mystery man?”

Ben tried not to roll his eyes. Satine kept bringing him these ridiculously expensive, ridiculously healthy, pre-made meals from some shop of her friend’s. They were marginally better than the juice and reminiscent of cardboard mixed with cattail greens. He really just wanted to order pizza.

“He’s lovely. Sweet and awkward with the face of a Caravaggio angel and the body of a young god. Little scar by his right eye. Makes him more interesting and less perfect.”

“I see that you’ve given this some thought. What does he do? Or does it not matter because of the whole body of a god thing and all.”

“He’s a nurse.”

“Hmm, sexy. When are you seeing him again? Do I need to text him for you?”

“I don’t have his number yet, but we’re meeting tomorrow at the café I’ve been writing at.”

“You had better practice your flirting tonight in the mirror. You don’t want to be rusty,” she examined her manicured nails. “You were unstoppable in college. I think you slept with half the campus before you met Cody.”

“Be realistic. It was perhaps half of our dorm.” Satine used to say that flirting came to him like breathing. He suspected she was jealous. She had been a gawky and lanky 18 year old. Despite that, they’d had a brief fling. It hadn’t worked out, but they’d been friends since.

“Well, it was a big dorm. I must be going, dearest hummingbird. Padme doesn’t like to wait.”

Ben walked her out and sat down to eat his kale, brussel sprout, tempeh and brown rice dinner, which tasted like despair mixed with the weeds from the back garden. Cody’s lasagna sounded good about now. He paused. At least he could think about that without nearly choking on his grief.

The date of sorts and the other massively good news he had received yesterday made things look hopeful. It was the first time in a long while that he’d felt that way, and he hoped his good luck would continue. He’d allow himself this small happiness and look in anticipation towards tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if this is too cheesy, contrived, or about right?
> 
> Let me know what you think!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading :D


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys continue to be adorable nerds. Qui-Gon meddles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone who's reading!
> 
> This takes place in an imaginary, unnamed city, so I can meddle with it to suit my poetic purposes.

“So tell me what you want, what you really, really want. I’ll tell you what…. “

Fuck, Satine and Padme had been messing with his phone again. He fumbled for the cursed thing, nearly knocking it on the floor. His bedroom was unusually bright.

“Chickadee, I thought you’d have texted me by now. We haven’t gone over what you’re going to wear.” Satine sounded offended.

Damn. “What time is it?”

“10 o’clock.” He’d slept for 12 hours straight and was still exhausted. It didn’t seem he could sleep for less than 10 hours now without feeling like the undead. Gods, he used to be able to write all night, take a nap, and then start again. He would need some serious tea today.

“Are you there? Rise and shine, only students and lowlifes get up this late.”

Ben groaned. “Yes. Sorry. I’m not awake yet.”

“Maybe you should just rest this morning and meet your little friend in the afternoon?”

“Lu will kill me.”

“She’ll have to get over it, dearest love.”

“I need to do this, mainly to prove to myself that I still can. Plus, the publisher is riding our collective asses.”

“Sweet sparrow, you have to cut yourself some slack. If you insist on going, I’ll return to my original question. What are you going to wear? I’d recommend, Kate Moss, that you wear some layers to look a bit bulkier.”

Ben sighed. “That was the plan, my fairest lady.” They decided on suitable attire and he dragged his sorry self to the café. The thought of seeing his sweet not-barista again gave him a little hit of needed energy.

* * *

Anakin sat on his couch, doodling aimlessly. He didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he was too restless (and excited) to do anything useful. He should workout, or do laundry, or take a nap before his nightshift, but none of those things were happening.

You’re sexy, he thought to himself, people fall over themselves for you. The other voice in his head thought that for the first time in a while, he didn’t want a quick fuck. He wanted a relationship, with kissing, and flowers, and walks in the rain. He imagined wrapping Ben in his coat and holding him close... What was wrong with him? It was like he didn’t know himself anymore.

He went across the hall to his dad’s apartment; theirs were the only two in the building, conveniently above the café. The door was open, as it always was. The only way to describe the place was cozy chaos. Plants covered most available surfaces, vines growing up the walls. A small green parrot rocked back and forth on its swing, yelling KIWI KIWI KIWI. The couch was covered in an assortment of crocheted throws in every available color. Odd knickknacks and memorabilia covered the walls.

“Oh, hello. Do you want a cookie?” His dad was sitting on the couch dressed in a silk robe, crocheting badly. He’d taken it up since Tahl had died, to carry on her legacy.

‘Um, not right now.” The cookies were the densest bricks and probably could be used to reconstruct the pyramids. His dad thought that adding every available thing that had ever gone into a cookie in the history of recorded time should go into his cookies. They were beyond terrible, but he didn’t have the heart to tell him. If he were the praying type, he would have thanked god daily for Kit and Ayala, the bakers for the café.

“I’m so glad you came back home, pigeon. You’ll be happier here.” He crocheted gleefully, garish yarn strewn about the couch.

“You’re going to meet that handsome, waifish writer today, aren’t you. He needs you to take care of him”

“I’m not the taking care of type, dad.” If Anakin were really honest with himself, he’d have to say that he usually liked to be taken care of and spoiled himself.

“That’s a front. You’re a nurse, dear boy.”

“That’s work.”

“I’m sure you went into it for the glamour and prestige of it all. Have any of those other relationships worked?”

“No.”

“Then maybe you’ve been going about it the wrong way. Think about what you really want.”

Anakin groaned and plopped down on one of the large floor pillows, his favorite, a tasseled one.

“Why do you always know??”

“I’m a master of the human condition.” He went back to his crocheting.  
Anakin spent the rest of the day repotting succulents and hiding cookies in his pockets.

A few minutes before 4, Anakin snuck through the kitchen and hid behind the counter, crouching low. He was trying to look across the room in a discreet and noncreepy manner. To do achieve this, he peered through the trays of the desert display case. There, distorted a bit by the curved glass, was his Ben, typing madly. He was so glad that he came. Anakin didn’t want to be early and look like an overeager weirdo, but he didn’t want to a rude late person either.

He walked over to the corner booth, the one about to be eaten by the vigorous fern. Ben was staring rapt at his computer screen, brows downturned. When he noticed Anakin, he beamed up at him, face brightening.

He closed his laptop. “Anakin, please sit.” He was wearing a sweater, of course, this time a grey/green/blue color that matched his eyes and gods, what kind of magic was that. Anakin felt his heart start to race.

“I’m so pleased you came. What’s in your pocket?”

Anakin was perplexed. “What?” He tried to discreetly feel the contents of his pocket. Was this some kind of proposition?

Ben laughed. “There’s something lumpy in your left pocket.”

Anakin pulled out a cookie. He thought he’d thrown them all away.

“It’s a cookie my dad made.” Ben reached out with one finger to gingerly touch it. Anakin swept in away and threw it in the fern.

“Don’t touch it. It may become sentient and follow you home. I’ll trap it later.”

Ben was grinning. He had dimples under that short beard. Anakin was sure his smile could end hunger and bring about world peace. He noticed a partially eaten ham sandwich by his mug of tea.

“How was your sandwich? Don’t worry, I won’t fling it at you this time.”

“It’s a paragon of sandwichhood. Your dad is the owner, isn’t he?”

“Yup. He has no shame. He’s currently watching us from behind the counter.”

Ben turned his head and looked. “You certainly take after each other in height.”

“Oh, we’re not actually related. He adopted me after my mom died. They’d been good friends, so I’d known him my whole life.”

“We’re a pair of sad Dickensian orphans, I see. My grandfather adopted me after my mother died.” Ben took a sip of his tea.

“How old were you? I was 9.”

“12. I had to move to the ‘States to live with him.”

“Where did you come by your accent?” Anakin had to ask. He hoped it wasn’t rude.

“I grew up in Oxford and London. I’ve made no effort to lose it. It has been the sole reason for getting me laid over the years.”

“I don’t think it’s the only reason.”

“Shameless flatterer. I doubt you even have to open your mouth to get laid.”

Anakin felt his cheeks energetically turning pink. “Not always, but I just moved back home. Don’t know many people yet.”

“Where did you live before?”

“LA. I’m one of those stereotypical idiots that wanted to be an actor. It took me about 10 years to realize that I’m a terrible actor and glad that I went to nursing school sometime in the middle.

“It probably wasn’t as bad as you think?” Ben raised his brows.

“It was. I mostly just modeled.” This earned him an appreciative look, but then Ben glanced to the side.

Anakin looked up. Disturbingly, his dad was standing at the table, hair in a man bun. He set down a plate of various cakes and loafs cut into bite sized pieces and arranged in the shape of a heart. He gave them the mad grin of the criminally insane and then walked away.

“I might kill him. Literal murder.”

Ben was laughing so hard there were tears in his eyes. His cheeks had the faintest, pale pink flush.

“I’ve never been as entertained or thoroughly charmed as I have been talking with you. Next time we can meet somewhere he isn’t, though I’m sure it will be lacking in cake.”

Next time. NEXT TIME, thought Anakin.

Ben looked down at the plate and selected a piece (strawberry). “These look delightful. Satine only lets me have health food.

Fuck, who was Satine? Had Anakin somehow been reading this wrong the whole time? Panic must have been showing in his face because Ben reached out and touched his hand.

Satine is my best friend. She treats me like the motherless child that I am. She also thinks all of life’s problems can be solved by chard, chickpeas, and turmeric.

Ben yawned and any color that had been in his face left it. He had a look like light could shine through him or a fall wind could blow him away. Anakin felt incredibly protective. He absolutely hated it when his dad was right.

“Are you ok?”

“You’re not boring me, I promise. I’m exhausted trying to get this book finished by its deadline, that’s all”

“I hate to waste your time.” Anakin looked down at his hands.

“Talking with you is never a waste of time. In fact, it is the best possible use of time. When should we meet again?”

“Friday? For dinner?”

“That sounds excellent. Text me?” Ben wrote his number down on a napkin.

Anakin’s insides had completely melted. “What’s your last name?”

“Kenobi, and yours?”

“Skywalker”

* * *

Anakin was having a great night at work. He helped one of the other nurses with the rapid infuser, trouble shot a recalcitrant PA catheter, his patient was medically challenging, and Ahsoka was working as well, his favorite aide and nursing student. Ahsoka’s blue hair was up in twin buns, a white long sleeve shirt under her scrubs to cover her tattoos. She was sitting at the nurses’ station, watching him intently. Anakin sat beside her.

“Why so happy? Did you get some?”

“Ahsoka, I’m 30 years old. I don’t ‘get some’ anymore.”

“Do you stop having sex after 30?”

“Yes. All sex ends at 30. Quit working and start fucking now while you still have time.” Ahsoka stuck out her tongue at him.

“But I did meet someone. Come and help me change Ms. Larson’s bed.”

Ms. Larson, his patient, was comatose and intubated. Anakin had met her before she became so ill, and he suspected that she would like to listen to gossip.

“What’s he like?”

“Red hair, handsome, British accent. He’s a writer.”

“Ooh, a ginger. Is he fiery?

“No, more of a pale, pastel ginger.” Anakin frowned a little. His nurse’s sense told him there was something a bit off about Ben, but he refused to acknowledge it. He probably was just working too hard, which made him want to take him home and feed him tea and cookies and cuddle on the couch. What was with all his domestic urges? These were new feelings. He blamed his father.

They completed their coordinated dance of linen changing. Anakin fidgeted with his patients drips so her blood pressure would get back into line.

“Sounds pretty. When are you seeing him again?

“Friday. Where should we go for dinner?”

“You should have Italian…. You could share spaghetti and kiss!!” Ahsoka loved every and all Disney movies.

“Who’s Lady and who’s the Tramp? Anakin raised his brows.

“I’m pretty sure you’re the tramp.” Anakin lightly punched Ahsoka in the shoulder. It was a good night.

 

Wednesday evening, Ben lazed on his couch, half dozing and half lazily re-reading the last few chapters he’d written. If Satine didn’t show up soon, he was ordering take out, ready to face her wrath head on. Unfortunately, she showed up like clockwork, elegant grey sheath dress in place, heels clacking on the hardwood floor as she marched in, swinging a cloth tote.

“Chickadee, where are you? She walked in to the living room. “Oh, here you are. Working very hard, are you?”

“Very hard, as you can see. You don’t have to bring me dinner every night. I am capable of feeding myself.” He closed his computer and sat up.

“Darling, you would order some kind of toxic crap. I don’t know how you expect to regain your health with that garbage. Come and eat.”

Ben rolled his eyes and followed her into the kitchen. Today’s drink was an aggressive neon green, reminiscent of tree frogs. There was a faint whiff of vinegar and lemons.

“You’ll like this one. I had them add an apple to satisfy your sweet tooth.”

“You shouldn’t have.” He took a swig. It wasn’t as bad as the last, but still reminded him of the time when, as a young child, he ate a dandelion on a dare.

She handed him his dinner, a roasted root vegetable hash with nut loaf served over greens. It was better than the last one and only vaguely tasted like woodchips.

“Well titmouse, how was it?

“Titmouse? I’m not sure that I like that one.” God Satine. Why are you like this, he thought to himself.

“It’s a bird. Very cute. I can’t always call you the same things, can I?”

“What would the world come to? Anyway, he remains utterly lovely and his jeans fit oh so well. His ass may be the finest I’ve seen, including represented in art. He…”

Ben heard his phone chime and pulled it out of his pocket “Is texting me.”

“Oh, Oooh” Satine rubbed her hands together and grinned like a schoolgirl.

-Are you still up for dinner on Friday?

“Yes, YESSS!!” Screamed Satine, jumping up and down.

-Of course.

-Do you like Italian?

Do I ever, thought Ben. Satine gave him a look, but didn’t say anything.

-Sounds lovely ☺

“Smiley face, really Ben? It’s like I don’t even know you.”

“I’m trying to show enthusiasm.” He grinned down at his phone.

-Want to meet at Il Ghiottone? I’ll send you the address. 700?

-Can’t wait

Satine bounced around the kitchen and then hugged him, nearly knocking him off his stool.

“I’m so happy and proud! I have to go, buttercup, but you’d best call me tomorrow so we can discuss your attire. I don’t want you to screw this up in any way.”

“Neither do I.”

 

Anakin arrived at the restaurant way too early, but he didn’t want anything to go wrong. The hostess led him to a secluded table, in a rather dim corner. She lit several candles. It was the perfect site for seduction, or flirting, or Anakin setting something on fire if he got really nervous. He stowed his helmet under his chair.

15 minutes after 7, Anakin was starting to worry. He looked at his phone, nothing. The waitress kept giving him pitying looks, asking him if he wanted anything, and then giving him the phone number of a girl at the bar, who blew a kiss and waved.

At 7:30, a flustered, flushed cheeked Ben ran in.

“Anakin, I’m so sorry. My car wouldn’t start, I had to call a cab, and I forgot my phone. I thought you would have left. I’m not usually such a mess.” He was breathing heavily and looked uncharacteristically rumpled, elegant grey sweater slightly askew, revealing one elegant clavicle.

Anakin, so relieved that he showed up, stood up and hugged him. All the tension he had felt melted away as he breathed in the scent of cedar and clean skin. Ben initially went stiff in his arms, then relaxed, fitting so perfectly there. When he let go, Ben was looking at him with wide, too bright eyes.

“Should I not have done that?” Anakin cringed a little.

Ben reached up and lightly touched his face. “You couldn’t do anything wrong.” Anakin felt heat rising in his cheeks.

Ben stood back and grinned. “Lets order some wine and food. You can’t know how much I’m looking forward to eating something that’s not raw and vegan.”

“My dad’s vegan. You saw the cookie.”

“It was terrifying in its density. Well, I have nothing against them, but it’s not for me. Satine is more of the skinny bitch type of vegan instead of the loving hippy vegan like I imagine your father to be.”

They ordered wine and Ben ordered approximately half the menu for them to share as well as a bottle of wine. Anakin liked that he took charge, but was also rather alarmed by the amount of food he ordered.

“Um, I think you’re overestimating my appetite?”

“Well, I think you’re underestimating mine.” Ben smiled. “I’ll take the leftovers home and hide them from Satine.”

Anakin settled into his seat. “Time for some standard questions. You know how old I am. How about you?”

“34.”

“Where do you live?”

“In the Lakeview neighborhood, south of Martindale.”

“Ooh, that’s fancy isn’t it.” Anakin sipped his wine.

“A bit, my house isn’t that large, but it was built in the late 1800s and lovingly restored. Home renovation is one of our, I mean my hobbies.” Something dark crossed Ben’s face, his brows downturned.

Ben took a deep breath. “I should tell you, Anakin, that I was married, for 6 years. He died about 2 years ago. It’s a lot of baggage, and I understand if this is not what you’re looking for.” He took a big gulp of his wine and looked down.

“I’m so sorry. I… I still want to get to know you. What was they’re name?”

Ben gave him a tiny smile. “Cody. He was the sweetest, kindest man. Satine said he did nothing but indulge my vices.”

Anakin recognized this sad moment, but also filed away the facts that Ben liked food, old houses, and being spoiled. “We don’t have to rush into anything, but I still want this to continue, if you do.”

“I do.” He gave Anakin an earnest smile. “Any skeletons in your closet?”

“No, I’m boring. Failed actor, past model, nurse. Never really been in a long-term relationship. My dad is very likely psychic and possibly a witch. Maybe that’s weird?”

Ben raised a brow and finished his glass of wine. “Maybe you’ve just hadn’t met the right one? Your dad did introduce us, so he’s on to something.”

Anakin looked down and smiled, knowing he was blushing again.

Their food arrived, and it would barely fit on the table. Ben looked like an over-stimulated schoolboy.

“I’m so excited for all these carbs and cheese.”

Anakin groaned. “I’m going to have to work out for about 5 hours tomorrow.”

“Are you one of those? You did move here from LA.” Ben gave him a side-glance as he started dishing out some pasta.

“No, I’m not one of those. I am going to enjoy every second of this. I do like to look good, though.”

“Well, no one’s complaining. If you were just born with a body like that I might have to hate you.”

Anakin wasn’t sure if his cheeks could get more red. He took some of the pasta and started eating. It was exquisite, especially a gnocchi with a light tomato sauce. He looked over at Ben whose eyes were half closed, face in rapture.

“Are you having a religious experience there?”

“This is the best thing. Much better than most of the sex I had in college.” Ben took a swig of wine.

They made a surprising dent in the food. Anakin was slightly unpleasantly full. Ben looked like he was wilting. His eyes were glassy and cheeks flushed, accent more pronounced.

“Anakin, this was lovely, but I haven’t drank alcohol in a long while and I might pass out in a little bit if I don’t go home.”

“I’m not letting you take a cab. I’ll give you a ride if you don’t mind sitting on the back of my bike.”

“I’m assuming you mean motorcycle and not a bicycle, ‘cause that would be hard. Hard on both our asses.”

“Yes, not a bicycle. There’s only about a month left in the year that I can ride it; going to be too cold soon. Otherwise it’s back to my old jeep.” They paid, and Anakin handed him his helmet and jacket.

“Wear these. You’re going to freeze.”

“What about you? I’m quite hot right now.”

“I’ll be fine for a short ride. You’re all vasodilated from alcohol, so you feel warm. Just wear it.”

“Ooh, talking dirty nurse talk already.” Ben took the jacket and put it on.

“You’ll have to hold on tight.”

“I can’t wait.” Ben gave him a wink.

The jacket was large on him and Anakin resisted the urge to squeeze. They went out to the parking lot, to his black 2008 Yamaha R6 and climbed on. As they rode, Anakin enjoyed the warm weight of Ben pressed against his back, the feel of his arms around his waist, his helmeted head on his shoulder. He wished that the ride was much longer, so he could enjoy it a bit more.

They arrived at a beautiful old house, which appeared to be painted green with white trim. There was a little turret. It was adorable. Ben stumbled a bit getting off the bike and blinked a few times. Anakin steadied him.

Ben surprised him with a hug and the lightest kiss on his cheek. “Anakin, this was the loveliest evening. I’m drunk and exhausted and I don’t trust myself right now, so I’m not going to invite you in. I do want too see you again and soon. Please text me when you are free, if you’d like. My schedule is so much more flexible.”

“Of course. I can’t wait to see you again.”

He laid his hand on Anakin’s arm then walked toward the door. Ben turned and gave Anakin a long, lingering look, and then waved. Anakin watched him until he was safely inside. On his way home, Anakin laughed to himself. The old him probably would have been bored already. Now, he wanted to do anything in his power to make Ben smile. He wondered if this is what falling in love felt like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I have enjoyed writing it! 
> 
> It's probably ridiculously sappy, but that's my prerogative. There will be a few sad/angsty moments but this will end happy.
> 
> Comments are always welcome :D
> 
> Thanks to Selcier for the assistance with choosing the appropriate bike for Anakin!
> 
> I'm darthplodder on tumblr, if anyone is interested.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! Thank you all so much for reading!
> 
> This chapter is a tiny bit more angsty than the last two, but hopefully nothing overwhelming.

Ben lay on his bed Monday morning and watched the patterns on the ceiling made by the elm tree outside his window as it shivered and shook in the sunlight. Cody had painted their bedroom pale yellow, because it was happy and sunny. They would lie there together in the early dawn light and talk about nonsense or bask in each other’s warmth and nearness. Cody, resolute morning person that he was, would always get up first and make pancakes. He’d then march up the stairs and kiss and tickle him until he quit reading and got out of bed. Ben smiled to himself.

He was warm and comfortable and drowsing. He should probably get up and he really needed to write, but this was such a pleasant lassitude. Fortunately and unfortunately, he heard the door open and someone padding up the stairs. He knew that walk anywhere. At least Satine had removed her shoes this time.

“Are you in there? Are you naked? Are you awake?”

“Yes, No, Yes.”

“Wonderful.” She strode in, long, blond braid over one shoulder, and several corded bracelets on both wrists. She climbed up on the bed and lay on the other side, joining him in ceiling gazing.

“Don’t you have your doctor’s appointment today?”

“Not until 2. My car is out of commission, can you take me?

“I thought you bought that ugly thing because it was reliable?”

“Ugh. Satine, you know how I feel about cars. I think it hates me” he stretched his arms overhead. “Anyway, can you drive me?”

“I thought it was earlier, love. I’m meeting with a local beet distributor at 1:30. Let me text Quin”

“I thought he wasn’t back yet. I could just get a cab.” Quinlan was his other dear friend, but he was sometimes even more overbearing than Satine and equally annoying, if in different ways. He’d most certainly be worked up that he hadn’t heard about Anakin yet. How exactly was one supposed to gossip about a nonexistent love life with someone on an archeological dig in Guatemala?

“He’s your friend too and you know he adores you. I’m texting him now.” She rolled over onto her stomach and looked over at him.

“Now, onto the most important details. When are you meeting your sweet nurse again? Most importantly, when do Quin and I get to meet him?

“The 2 of you together would cause such a scene that it would most certainly guarantee that he would never, ever talk to me again and probably would sign a restraining order.”

“Oh my dear little wren, don’t be so negative. We only want what’s best for you.”

“We’re going to the Art Institute tomorrow afternoon.”

“Ooh art. Was that your choice?”

“It was his.”

“Your motorcycle-riding nurse of the perfect ass wants to go look at art? What a catch.”

“He’s new here. He hadn’t been.”

Satine let out a happy squeak. Ben’s stomach decided to growl loudly. He should really get up.

“Hungry, are you? I brought you some beet juice.”

“Satine, I’m hungry. I will not be satisfied by juice.”

“I could take you to…”

“No. Absolutely not. I will hear nothing of what you have to say. I want pancakes.”

“Ben…”

“No Satine. Pancakes. Let’s go to the Diner. After all the crap that I’ve eaten for you, you owe me this once.”

She looked affronted. “Every thing I bring you is perfectly tailored for you.” She paused, “We haven’t been there since…”

“Cody died, no. But I want to go.”

She smiled fondly, threw her arm over him and laid her head on his chest. “Fine. Ugh. You used to be so cozy and cuddly.

He shook her off and wacked her with a pillow. “Well, I won’t get cuddly drinking beet juice.”

The Diner was a drab little ramshackle place near the University that they’d gone to since they were students together. Satine, Padme, Quin, Cody, and himself had spent countless hours there together, eating, laughing, gossiping, and commiserating. Later, it had mainly been his and Cody’s secret place, quiet, cozy, and familiar.

The bell rung on the door as they entered and being late in the morning on a Monday, it was relatively empty. A few regulars sat at the counter with their coffee and eggs, newspapers in hand. A comfortably plump lady with platinum hair waved them to a booth and came over with menus.

“My little muffins, I’m so glad to see you. Tea?” she stated looking at Ben. He nodded.

“Black coffee?” she smiled, looking at Satine, who nodded as well.

“Let me get Dex. He’s going to be so excited.” She patted Ben’s head. Satine smirked.

“Ben Kenobi!” Dex emerged from the kitchen, booming. He was a large jowly man, grey hair slicked back. Ben stood up and let himself be enveloped in the inevitable bear hug.

“Its so good to see you…. It’s been way to long! I heard you were pretty sick?”

Ben looked down. “I’m better now, Dex.”

“Well, you need to come around more often.” Ben thought back to the long leisurely brunches that he had with Cody, spent talking about nonsense while Dex brought them new treats to try.

Dex, looking at him closer, gave him an unconcealed look of worry.

“I’m well, I promise. What I really want are pancakes”

“”It’s been too long, Ben.” Dex gave his shoulders a squeeze and made that face that everyone makes when they don’t know what to say. “Well, I can help you with pancakes. What kind?”

“All the kinds.” Dex raised an eyebrow. “All of them.” Ben repeated.

Dex laughed jovially, as only he could. “Ok, I’ll bring you some of each.”

Satine rolled her eyes heavily and glared for a second. Ben sat back down and caught her in his gaze.

“I see you and your looks, madam. You will allow me to enjoy this without reprimand.” He gave her a huge, shit-eating grin.

“Watch out Satine, you know his smile is magical. It can charm you into anything”

With that, their friend Quin slid into the booth beside Satine, braids bouncing. Ben had almost forgotten that she’d texted him.

Satine gave him an affectionate punch in the arm. “I would think I’m immune by now.”

“There is no immunity. All will see it and despair.”

“You two are utterly ridiculous” Ben shook his head.

“Oh I don’t know, Bendy, I just don’t know. Your true smile does something to people. It makes them all want to fuck you, marry you, or hoard you in a cave. “ Ben raised his eyebrows and grimaced.

Quinlan continued his monologue. Like the rest of them, he liked to listen to himself talk.

“The start of college, I walked into our dorm room and was immediately disappointed that my roommate was this little ginger nerd. Boring. Then you smiled and said something in your ridiculous accent and part of me died. I’m pretty sure you’re some kind of siren.”

Ben kicked him under the table. “I hate you Quin. And don’t call me that name.”

“Why not? It fits, doesn’t it? Anyway, it’s time you got out there again. You have to advertise your talents.” Quin smiled and reached across the white with gold-flecked Formica table to pat his arm.

“In all seriousness, I’m glad to see you out. They’re sure you’re in remission?”

“Yes. As sure as anything can be in medicine.”

“I’m so glad. Where am I taking you today?”

“Just an appointment with my regular doctor.” They were distracted from this train of thought by their waitress bringing a tray full of pancakes. Buckwheat, buttermilk, blueberry, banana, and apple, all fluffy and golden, and smelling like something that would have lured Persephone into the underworld. Ben hummed with pleasure and took a few, covering them with butter and syrup.

Satine shook her head and clutched her coffee cup tightly, like a security blanket. Her knuckles were white. Quin laughed.

“Share some pancakes, Quin?”

They ate, reminisced, and then got on the topic of Anakin.

“You little slut! Just got over a life-threatening illness and already have some poor fool obsessed with you. If I could bottle the power of your smile, there’d be no Viagra.” Quin laughed.

“You were just telling me to ‘get out there’, Quin.”

“I’ll translate, dear. I think he that he meant that you should ‘get out there’ on our terms, with our approval. “ Satine explained as she fussed with her bracelets.

Quinlan narrowed his dark eyes “We have to meet him.”

“Maybe after the next date. Why are you two so protective now? No one stopped me when, as Satine describes, I had my way with half the college.” He frowned.

Satine patted his hand. “You’ve been through too much and are still so tiny, goldfinch. If anyone hurts you, Quin and I will dismember them.”

Quin held up his butter knife and leered menacingly.

Later that afternoon, Quin bundled him into his ancient Land Rover and insisted that he be wrapped in a dodgy old camp blanket that smelt of musty tents and bengay. The heater in his car was only reliable in its dysfunction.

“Its not that cold yet, Quin.”

“If you get sick or something, Satine will literally murder me in the most slow and painful way imaginable. It will probably involve flaying my skin while she laughs maniacally. I think the veganism is a front for her murderous rage.”

Ben shrugged but obediently wrapped himself up. He’d felt great that morning, but fatigue was wrapping its oily tendrils in his mind, causing his thoughts to be hazy and vague. Quin was prattling on about his latest dig, words stretching and blurring. Overwarm, he dozed off.

“Ben, BEN!” Someone was shaking him.

“We’re here, Aurora. Time to get out.” Quin rubbed his forearm. “You want me to come in? Otherwise I’ll just work on my reports.” Quin looked at him imploringly. Ben just wasn’t in the mood.

“No Quin, just stay. I’ll be back in an hour or so.” Ben trundled into the clinic building, registered and sat in the waiting area. He closed his eyes and tried not to think about the antiseptic smell of health care or about his time in the ICU, a strange warped blur of odd faces with leering eyes, a sense of being underwater or smothered, a macabre symphony of beeps and dings and odd noises. It still woke him up gasping at night.

“Mr. Kenobi?” The medical assistant called at the door, breaking his unpleasant interlude. She smiled at him kindly. “Up on the scale, dear.”

He obeyed, but was not overly pleased with the result. He’d secretly hoped it would be better. Ugh. Someone as gorgeous as Anakin was not going to want to fuck a scrawny old man. He followed the assistant into an exam room, she took his vitals, and he waited.

Dr. Eerin knocked, and then entered the room.

“Hello, Ben.” She smiled fondly and shook his hand. “How’s it been going for the last couple weeks?”

“I’m utterly exhausted all the time. I’m getting tired of being tired. Trying to get back on schedule with my writing and it’s not going well.”

“This is all pretty normal. You’re recovering from a long, life-threatening illness. You nearly died a few times. You can’t expect too much from yourself. How long has it been since you were discharged?”

“6 weeks”

“How long did I tell you it would take to be your normal self again?”

“6 months to a year. I don’t want to run a marathon. I just want to get through the day.”

“My suspicion is that you’re trying to do way too much too fast.” She pulled up his chart on the computer and clicked through a few pages.

“You’re making some progress. Dr. Che confirmed your remission. Your labs look pretty good overall. You haven’t really gained much weight, though. How’s your appetite?”

“Getting better, food is becoming interesting again. I can actually taste again.”

She lectured him about eating properly and regularly and about listening to his body and setting limits with his writing and working. She recommended some foul-sounding supplements that Satine probably would cackle over, rubbing her hands together like some kind of cartoon villain. They set up follow-up and he left.

After he got home and shooed Quin away, Ben collapsed on the couch in a dejected heap. It was 4 and he’d written nothing today. How could he date Anakin when he could barely tolerate a day consisting of:

1\. Laying in bed  
2\. Eating brunch.  
3\. Being chauffeured to an appointment and sitting through said appointment  
4\. Lounging on the couch.

Anakin was active and gorgeous and Ben supposed he’d want to do something other than watch him rest for the next 6 months. And who would want to make love to a bony husk? He didn’t want to burden Anakin with all his extensive baggage and flaws. He couldn’t imagine that anyone would have the patience to sort through all this. Too tired and dejected to think about it anymore, he closed his eyes and dozed.

“’Cause tonight, is the ni-ight when 2 become 1” Goddamn Satine. He reached for his phone and answered it to end Spice Girls hell. Fuck. It was 8 pm.

“Ben, please tell me you’re on course for our deadline.” Double Fuck. It was Lu. He panicked.

“Of course, love, I’m half-way done.” Lies and more lies. He was maybe a quarter at the most and inspiration was sparse. He’d have to write all night like some kind of manic Kafka-esque person.

“All right. Please send me what you have by Friday.” Triple fuck.

“Of course, sweet Lu. I aim only to please you.” He could almost hear her frown on the other line.

Ok, he would have to channel Steven King or some other prolific writer, starting now. The voice of reason told him to go to bed and reschedule with Anakin. The voice of impulse said, start writing now and nap before the date. Impulse always won.

Feeling empowered by his illogical thoughts, he toddled to the kitchen and started boiling the water for about 20 cups of tea, then grabbed some crackers and sat down to write. He typed madly, spewing utter nonsense for uncounted hours, pretty sure that a raven was going to show up at his window and ask him to stop.

The next thing he was aware of was drooling over his keyboard with indented face, sun creeping through the cracks in the blinds. Feeling like the world’s hottest mess, he stumbled upstairs and planted face down in his bed.

Ben awoke around 12:30, mouth dry, eyes sticky, nauseated with fatigue. Peering in the mirror with a disgusted grimace, he remarked that he looked somewhere between Victorian poet dying of consumption and extra for Apocalyptic horror. Blegh. He rubbed his eyes and hoped that when he looked again, it would be better. It wasn’t. With shaky hands, he brushed his teeth and took a few pills. How could this ever work? The evil voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like his grandfather told him he would never be the same again.

* * *

Anakin picked up Ben in the afternoon, taking his Jeep this time. He was wearing some kind of sexy English professor get-up, a worn but elegant grey blazer over the usual cashmere sweater and dark-washed jeans. Ben clambered into the Jeep, turned to Anakin, and gave him a fleeting smile, heart stopping in its brilliance.

Despite his grin, Ben seemed subdued and if possible looked worse than the last time they were together. The violet under his eyes was more pronounced and his short beard didn’t quite hide the shadows under his cheeks. His nails were bitten very short. Anakin’s stomach tightened for a minute.

“Are you doing ok?”

“Yes, just was up late writing. I hope I don’t look as awful as the face you’re making implies.” He raised his brow then gave Anakin a long, appreciative glance followed by another awe inducing, soul-stealing smile.

“How are you even real? I’m not usually the poetry type, but I may compose a sonnet to your chest.”

Anakin grinned and flushed. He’d worn a fitted, black, long sleeve shirt and reasonably tight jeans and was thrilled that they were appreciated. Ben reached out and lightly touched his right pec.

“I may swoon, not quite sure yet. I’m still not convinced that you’re actually human. Are you really the avatar of an ancient god? Will you come to seduce me in the form of a swan? Are you an android?”

Anakin looked down, sheepishly grinning, unsure of how to answer but glad that Ben appreciated his looks as his brains were currently subpar. He handed Ben a paper sack.

“I brought you something. I wish I could say that my dad didn’t pick it out, but he did. He wanted to send you cookies too, but I figured you didn’t need any door stoppers or to sink any bodies in the river”

Ben pulled a piece of strawberry cake out of the bag, enclosed in a plastic case. It had a big, red frosting rose. He laughed and patted Anakin’s thigh.

“You are wonderful and strawberry is my favorite.” He buckled his seatbelt. “And thanks for driving. Not only is my car broken, but I loathe driving.”

“Why?”

“I like looking around, napping, and chattering mindlessly to a willing or unwilling companion. Those are hard to do while driving. I have to be honest and say that I grew up with a driver and didn’t learn until I was 25.”

“Really, you were chauffeured around?’ Anakin thought about his own childhood that had involved a menagerie of pets (Lola the python, Sparkles his cat, Snooty the hamster), thrift store clothes, odd people drifting through their apartment, and tooling around in his dad’s VW bus.

“All the time. My grandfather was, well, very rich. He begrudgingly raised me because I was the unfortunate offspring of his only beloved daughter, who happened to be a coke-addicted socialite.”

“Um, that sounds awful. The only time I was driven around was by my dad in his VW bus that smelled of gasoline and wet toast. I begged him to drop me off a block from school.” Anakin started up the engine and took off.

“It’s not really bad. She had a lovely collection of hats and left me a trust fund. After I turned 18, I ran away to college and never looked back. I’ve been charmed in some ways, really. ”

They arrived, parked, bought their tickets, and entered the museum. Ben grabbed his forearm and pointed to a sign that said Renaissance and 17th Century.

“Let’s go there! Loads of sights.” Ben led him into a gallery of paintings, full of silent observers and cool marble floors. As they regarded the art, Ben provided some running commentary in a soft, elegant murmur.

“Why do you think there’s a ferret? Why is that baby so ugly? Maybe his mother will abandon him.” Ben took a few breaths and the commentary continued as they turned a corner. They walked close together, their hands occasionally bumping, fingers catching. At one point, Ben curled his fingers around Anakin’s, gave him a small smile, and let go. Anakin felt himself blush and turn to goo.

“Look at that boy, he’s lovely. He has on artfully applied rouge, a big velvet bow at his neck and his hands are in a muff. Is that symbolism for something? I hope it’s not something dirty. What if we had to wear collars like that, Anakin? Would you still like me in a giant lace collar?”

Anakin giggled uncontrollably. People were staring. Ben would probably be adorable in one of those big Shakespearean ruffs.

“Lets sit at that bench. I like this one.” They sat in front of a painting of a grand lady, in some sort of blue satiny corseted dress.

Ben studied it. “Look at how soft her face is, so sweet. She looks like she wants to tell us a secret.” He paused and took a deep breath.

“Here she is, caught forever, young and beautiful. What was she thinking about? Did she realize she’d be dead and we’d be staring at her 400 years in the future?”

“I don’t know.” He looked towards Ben who was still staring straight ahead. He looked grey pale.

“Do you think she loved her husband? Or did she have a mistress? Did she enjoy macarons? What was her favorite color? Was she happy?”

“She looks happy. I think she’d be glad to know we think she’s beautiful.”

Ben smiled softly at him and slumped against Anakin for a second. “Can we go outside for a moment? I’m too hot.” Ben stood up then steadied himself on the bench and made his way towards the door.

Being quite familiar with that pale-lipped look in his patients, he was worried Ben would pass out. He followed close behind. They made it surprisingly far, out to the grassy park behind the museum before the inevitable happened.

Anakin caught Ben under his armpits as he slumped to the ground and laid him in the grass. He was breathing quickly, eyes closed, forehead beaded with sweat. After a few seconds, his lashes fluttered and a tiny amount of color came back to his face.

“Ugh. Fainting like a flustered maiden aunt. That’s a first.”

Slightly relieved, Anakin patted his leg. “Take a few deep breaths. When did you last eat?”

Ben looked like he was processing a very deep thought. “Um, I had some crackers when I was writing last night?”

Anakin shook his head and made his disapproving nurse face. “What were you thinking? It’s 4 pm. Wait here a minute.” Anakin wanted to shake him. It wasn’t like he could stand to lose a few pounds. There was a stand selling snacks, so he bought a can of coke and a cookie.

“Drink this. Eat.” He helped Ben sit up and steadied his back. Anakin was in full on stern nurse mode. Ben seemed to recognize this and obeyed without dissent, sea-green eyes downturned. A little more color came back to his face. Ben nibbled the cookie like an abashed child.

“I feel better Anakin, let’s look around some more?” He gave Anakin the most magically lovely, wistful smile and any stern feelings dissolved. Anakin wondered if he were some kind of fairy tale creature that escaped into the real world. He pulled Ben to standing and dusted off his jacket.

Ben took his arm “I feel like a Regency heroine. Come along my gentleman escort. Thank you so much for your gallant rescue. I shall introduce you to mama at the ball; she will be ever so pleased. How shall I repay your kindness?” He batted his eyelashes and gave him a coquettish look. Anakin laughed and shook his head.

They strolled through some of the other galleries. Anakin tried not to notice than Ben was walking slower, no longer was chattering, and was drooping at the corners. Ben sat at another bench and Anakin followed him.

“How was work over the weekend?”

“It wasn’t the best. One of my patient’s died.”

Ben curled his pinky finger around Anakin’s. “What happened?”

“She was on chemotherapy and developed a horrible infection. Her immune system wasn’t strong enough to fight it. We did everything we could. It’s so strange to be talking to someone and then they’re gone in 24 hours.”

He looked over to Ben who had gone grey and sweaty again. “I’m so sorry Anakin. I can’t imagine how you deal with that on a regular basis. How do you not think about it all the time?”

“Escapism, I guess. I try to distract myself with other things, like my bike or drawing. I like to watch movies. I like to study the design of some medical devices too. I have some ideas for improvement” God, he sounded so boring. So boring. He might as well have said he enjoyed racket ball and cribbage.

Ben leaned against his shoulder and sighed softly. “I’d love to see your art. Would you show it to me?”

“I.. of course.” He never really shown anyone before, but honestly he’d be willing to show Ben just about anything he wanted to look at. Anything. This was a stimulating thought, but unfortunately it was distracted by the fact that Ben looked like at minimum he needed his bed and maybe more realistically to go to the ER.

“I really think I should take you home. I’m sorry, but you don’t look well.”

“Anakin, I’m just exhausted. I’ll perk up, I promise.” His chalky face belied this statement. His smile had lost its magic and didn’t reach his eyes.

“I… I think you’re not well. Let me take you home.” Anakin felt awful but justified.

“I suppose you’re right.” Looking downtrodden, Ben wobbled a bit and Anakin put his arm around his back, not caring what the museum patrons thought. They drove to his house in silence. Anakin could also not justify leaving him alone and hoped that this didn’t end in a fight. Thankfully, he followed Ben inside and Ben did nothing to dissuade him.

The house was Ben personified, immaculately tidy, with antique but clean-lined furniture, restored hardwood floors, original moldings and leaded glass windows. He followed Ben to a living room where he sat on the couch, still and silent.

“I could order us something to eat?” Anakin asked, trying to be helpful. Ben was studying his bitten nails as closely as the paintings from earlier. He looked ill and lost in thought.

“Ben, if there’s something the matter, maybe I can help you? I’m worried about you.”

“I’m a mess. You’re so beautiful and kind. You deserve better.”

“I don’t want better. I want to know you.”

Anakin was in virgin territory here. He’d never settled down, never had the patience to try to figure someone out. Sex and the brief relationships that he’d endured had been mainly to fill his needs. Ben, his charismatic puzzle, was the first he was willing to fight for. He wasn’t ready to give up yet.

“Anakin, this may be a mistake.”

“I’ve made plenty of mistakes. I’m willing to risk it.”

Ben was obviously trying to hide the catch in his breath. Anakin threw caution to the wind and put his arm around his shoulders and pulled him close, tucking him against his chest. Surprisingly, Ben didn’t fight it.

“Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

“No, I can’t. Not right now.”

“Do you want me to go? Or can I just sit with you?”

A heartrending pause. “Yes. Please stay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure that I love this chapter, but it was necessary in some ways. The next will be more light-hearted. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! I love your comments :D
> 
> I don't have a beta, so please let me know of any errors or inconsistencies. 
> 
> I'm darthplodder on tumblr if you want to yell or something.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is an all Anakin chapter. All Anakin, all the time. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warnings for mild descriptions of illness/medical terminology and some general drunken shenanigans as well as excessive fluff

Anakin’s arm was numb and he needed to pee. He could tell by Ben’s soft breathing that he had fallen asleep and was conveniently on top of his arm like an overgrown cat. He never liked to disturb sleeping cats, but he couldn’t wait any longer. He wiggled out from under Ben as best as he could while trying to set him down gently on the couch, sort of like trying to pull a tablecloth out from under dishes. Ben muttered something softly, then snuffled and turned over. Anakin kind of wanted to pet him like a cat, but he steeled himself against it.

After making use of the little quarter bath on the lower level, he wandered to the kitchen. He was starving, and Ben should really eat. On his way, he passed an overloaded bookshelf with books arrayed in every which way with additional stacks of books on top and in front of the others. It was one of the only even vaguely untidy things he’d seen so far. Behind some of the books, he could see the edges of a picture frame with the top of two heads showing.

Anakin was struck with overwhelming curiosity. He reached out to pick up the frame and knocked over a perilously listing stack of books, causing them to crash to the floor with a nauseating thump. He stood stock still with picture frame in hand like a guilty thief, and listened for sounds of Ben stirring. Not hearing anything, he studied the picture.

Two men stood on a beach with the sunset behind them. A strong-featured man with short cropped black hair looked adoringly at the other, who faced the camera. Anakin looked closer. Shit, that was Ben. His smile was the same, of course, but otherwise he looked so different. Hair longer, lightly tanned, eyes bright, cheekbones rounded and pink. He wasn’t a large or bulky man, but he had a compact sturdiness that he was lacking now.

What happened to you, thought Anakin? Was it grief or something more? Ben had said 2 years, which seemed like a long time but then again, Anakin had no idea how long it took to get over the loss of the love of your life.

He gently set the frame back down, tried to arrange the books back into their old positions, and wandered into the kitchen. It was immaculate, not even a single dish sitting out. An electric kettle was the only appliance visible. An island with stools sat in the center with a grey-veined white marble counter top. He opened the stainless refrigerator and was met with some horrors.

There were a few clear take out boxes with something that looked like uncooked brown rice mixed with roots, bark, and twigs, something that looked like a cow’s cud, and a clear cup with a reddish brown substance that had partially separated. He didn’t think he’d want to eat either if these were the available options, so he went out the front door and looked at the address. Time to order pizza. He had no idea what Ben liked, so he ordered a selection.

The pizza delivery person at the door woke up Ben, who looked at Anakin with sleep-glazed fondness. “You’re still here.” Brows upturned, he gave Anakin a wistful smile. His hair had defied his usual tidiness and was standing partially on end in sleep-mussed glory.

“You are my new favorite person. I get both pizza and to look at your pretty face for a while longer”

Anakin blushed furiously and went into the kitchen to find plates and napkins. Ben followed him and retrieved some glasses and a bottle of red wine. They set everything on the coffee table and sat on pillows on the floor.

“Um, I saw what was in your fridge and decided to order pizza. I didn’t know what you would want so I got cheese, veggie, and some meat combo.”

Ben laughed. “I never met a pizza I didn’t like.” He put some on a plate and looked at it lovingly. “Now you see what I have to put up with. That’s what Satine brings me.”

“You could just go to the store?”

“I would never do anything so mundane.” Ben raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips, then laughed again. “You’re right. I could, but I’m far too lazy. I prefer to be waited on, and it usually works out well for me.” He pointed at the pizza.

“What was that juice? It looked like mud.”

“Beet juice, of course, probably mixed with peat and mermaid tears. Very healthful.”

“Ugh.” They ate pizza in companionable silence for a minute. Ben looked like he was in ecstasy. Anakin supposed anything was better than something that looked like grass a cow chewed and regurgitated.

“This is so good, it’s even better than when my friend Kit and I made out behind the bleachers in 9th grade, and let me tell you, that was some pretty good tongue.”

Anakin giggled. “You can order it any time, you know.”

“Yes, but that takes so much effort. Plus Satine disapproves and trust me, its emotionally exhausting trying to fight her. You have to save that kind of energy for special occasions.”

Anakin was both scared and excited to meet this Satine person.

Ben chewed his pizza thoughtfully. “I was thinking about your brief career as an actor and unfortunately remembered that I was in theater in college and was also terrible. I tend to overact, if you hadn’t noticed.”

Anakin pondered this for a second “What were you in?”

“A bunch of little things, but my favorite was when I played Mercutio, mainly because I wanted to yell ‘A plague on both your houses’ for my whole life leading up to that moment.”

“How was it, the yelling?”

“The pinnacle of my life so far. I’m good at being loud. What did you act in?”

“Only a few things. I was really terrible. I was in a birth control commercial, an infomercial for a diet supplement, oh and I was an extra in Days of Our Lives once.”

“I take it you were the ‘after’ in the diet commercial. We must watch them!”

“No. We must not.” Anakin shook his head vigorously.

“I will find them and hunt them down no matter what it takes.” Ben rubbed his shoulder. “Even if the acting is terrible, you are still adorable and I will likely squeal with delight.”

Anakin gave him an overly dramatic eye roll, but was melting with happiness. They put the leftovers away and went back to the couch to finish off the bottle of wine.

“Anakin, I’m sorry about earlier. I can’t believe that you stayed, even after I was the world’s biggest fainting mess.” He scooted closer to Anakin and put his hand on his thigh. “You are the sweetest thing.” He rested his head on Anakin’s shoulder. Anakin had the intense urge to cuddle the hell out of him, but resisted.

Ben took a deep breath “I should tell you that I was sick for a long time. Looking back, it started before Cody died, but I wasn’t diagnosed till after. I’m recovering now and I kind of had unrealistically hoped that you wouldn’t notice or it wouldn’t come up.”

“I guessed it was something like that. What happened to Cody?” Anakin cringed. That was probably a horrible question.

Ben picked up his head and smiled softly. “Its ok. As you know, grief never leaves you completely, but I’ve long accepted that he’s gone. It was a brain aneurysm of sorts. I found him unconscious out in the garden. He’d been weeding, of all things. He was brain dead 12 hours later.”

“I’m so sorry.” Anakin had cared for patients like this. He shivered at the thought of it happening to a loved one.

Ben took a deep breath. “I’m just going to get the rest of the horrors out of the way. I was ill with a somewhat unusual type of lymphoma. I’m in remission now. Towards the end of treatment, I developed a horrible port infection and was unlucky enough to get really sick from it. I was in the ICU for a long time and pretty much all my organs were failing at some point. I’ve been clawing myself out of that hole for a while now.”

“Shit. I’m sorry. That’s just… What a horrible couple of years. I can’t believe you got through that after Cody died.” Grief alone could literally break patient’s hearts. Anakin had seen it before, Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, the medical term for terrible, life threatening heartbreak. How did someone deserve to be so unlucky?

“I had a lot of help. Satine and my friend Quin are like family to me. They wouldn’t let me give up. They made sure someone was always with me.”

“I’ve taken care of so many people like you.” He didn’t want to mention that his mother had died of breast cancer. It just didn’t seem right at this moment.

“I know Anakin. Its part of why I didn’t want to talk about it at first. I’m sure you don’t want a constant reminder of work while your supposed to be having fun.”

“Nothing like that. I’m so glad you told me. I was really worried about you earlier.”

“Sometimes I push myself a little too hard. I want so badly to be normal again, you know? When you’re that ill for a long time, it becomes your identity, even if you don’t want it to. I really want my old self back.”

“I get it. But the fact that you got this far is amazing. Give yourself some slack.” Anakin turned towards him and tried to straighten out his hair, which was still sticking up like a hedgehog.

“Do I look a mess?” Ben smiled, eyes downturned.

“Only a little.” Anakin leaned closer, feeling emboldened by wine and confessions. Ben turned towards him, eyes expectant. Anakin cupped the back of his head and gently kissed him. Ben’s mouth was sweet and soft as he returned the kiss and Anakin relished the feel of his arms around his neck. The kiss ended and Ben smiled at him, eyes half lidded.

“You’re a fine kisser, dear one.”

“Well, I’ve practiced a lot.”

“So have I, but I’m quite rusty. We’ll have to practice when I’m not so tired.”

“Can we cuddle, or does that make it sound like we’re 16? I don’t usual date, really.”

“What do you usually do?”

“Just fuck, I guess.”

“Well, I’m honored to be your first real cuddlee. Please cuddle away.” Ben got up for a second, handed him the remote, and then curled up against him, head in his lap.

“What do you want to watch?”

“Something with house renovations”

“Um, really?” Anakin flipped through the channels and found something that involved hammers and tearing down walls.

“Yes, really. I love it.”

“Did you renovate this place yourself?”

Ben laughed, shaking against Anakin’s thighs. “No. Mainly I just was involved in planning and directed traffic and provided moral support while Cody did all the work. I was only allowed to paint after I nailed my pants to the floor with the nail gun.”

“That sounds good. No nails for you.” He ran his fingers through Ben’s short auburn hair as he dozed against him. The dozing turned into full on sleeping and Anakin noted a small puddle of drool forming on his thigh. It was a good thing he was so utterly adorable. Night turned into early morning and again, Anakin needed to get up and couldn’t stand to listen to anyone talk about farmhouse sinks and backsplashes any longer. He gently shook Ben.

“Time is it?” mumbled Ben.

“Very late. You need to go to bed.”

Ben didn’t really make a move to get up. “You’re so warm”

“So is your bed. Up you go.” He propped Ben up like an adorable, floppy rag doll and then pulled him up. He seemed to regain a sense of his bearings and leaned up to give him a little kiss.

“I’m up. To bed I go.” He reached up and caressed Anakin’s hair.

“Good night, dear Anakin. Sorry for being such a bore. I hope to see you soon?’ He gave him a worried, expectant look.

Anakin was a bit at a loss. Should he ask to stay or should he go? Probably go. Ben had opened up a lot today and he didn’t want to overwhelm him. Pretend you’re dealing with a shy woodland creature, he told himself.

“I work tonight, but what about Thursday?”

“Yes, that will work. I have some friends who want to meet you.”

Ben walked with him to the door and stood there, watching him leave, leaning against the doorjamb with hair still askew. Anakin waved as he drove off. Shy woodland creature, he reminded himself.

* * *

 “Continue compressions.” Dr. Offee stood at the foot of the bed, directing the resuscitation of Anakin’s patient, a man in his 60s who had come in short of breath and rapidly deteriorated.

“It’s been 5 minutes since the last epi.” He reminded her as Ahsoka continued to push on the man’s chest.

“Get ready to push another amp.” Anakin grabbed another box out of the code cart, opened it, and dispensed the syringe. At the next rhythm check, ominous jagged sin waves continued, the amplitude in a crescendo decrescendo pattern. Damn.

“Should we give some mag?” Anakin inquired.

“Yes” Anakin opened another box from the cart. Ahsoka was sweating.

“Switch out at the next shock, Snips.” He reminded her.

“Lets get ready to shock.” After the shock was delivered, the other aide took over CPR. Ahsoka stood beside him, watching in rapt fascination.

There was an obvious change on the monitor and the cuff read a blood pressure.

“Lets check for a pulse.” There was one, a femoral pulse, faint and thready. Anakin got some drips going and started to prepare for the next steps.

“Did I do ok?” Ahsoka asked him later when they finally had a chance to take a break.

“Yeah, you pushed hard and fast like you were supposed to.” Ahsoka looked pleased with herself, then gave him a lascivious grin.

“Speaking of pushing hard and fast, how’s it going with your man friend?”

“Good so far, I think. He wants me to meet some of his friends.”

“Ooh, that’s a good sign. Have you had the sex?’

“Snips, I am not answering that.” Anakin went to his bag and checked his phone. Shit, there was a text from Ben from 20 minutes ago. Stupid man, it was 2 in the morning.

-Still on for Thursday?

-What are you doing up?!

-Writing. When the muse strikes, roll with it. Meet us at the Lady Legger at 9?

-Ok. Go to bed.

-Don’t let my friends scare you. They mean well.

-Go to bed!

-Only for you, my dear

Anakin smiled to himself. Ahsoka was trying to look over his shoulder.

“What’s the Lady Legger?” Anakin didn’t know many places around here yet. It kind of sounded like a strip club.

“A swanky bar on Grand. Not my kind of place. He’s fancy, your little ginger.”

“He’s something.” Anakin was grinning internally for the rest of the night.

* * *

Anakin walked into the bar Thursday evening, instantly feeling out of place. Ahsoka was right. It was fancy. It was in an old building renovated to look like something out of the Great Gatsby. The floors were black marble; walls were mirrored with metallic accents. Stylized gold trees rose from the floor and branched under the ceiling. Beautiful people leaned on tables and sipped drinks while giving him come hither looks. The whole thing was reminiscent of the after parties of fashion shows he’d walked in and gave him the shivers. He wandered to the back, thinking he recognized Ben’s auburn head.

A modelesque woman was sitting opposite Ben, wearing a backless dress, long arms bare and lithe. She was very tall, likely nearly 6 ft., with long blond hair and a heart shaped face. A strong looking man with black braided hair and a hawkish nose sat in a low chair. They both looked towards him expectantly.

The blond stood up and immediately enveloped him in the unusual but pleasant sort of hug given by the very thin but very strong.

“Oh my dear, you must be Anakin. You’re so lovely!” She held him by the shoulders and studied him closely. “You should be very proud of your face.” She looked him up and down. “And body. Don’t worry, I say this all objectively.” She sat back down. Anakin dazedly stood there, a bit overwhelmed.

“I’m Satine. That fool over there is Quin. Don’t take him too seriously. Or me, for that matter.” Quin waved. “You of course know Ben.” Ben shrugged his shoulders and looked apologetic. He was drinking some fancy drink that was the palest shade of green, wearing tailored charcoal grey pants and a thin black sweater, one slim leg folded over the other.

Satine solemnly confessed “He’s on his way to getting deliciously drunk, so I hope you’ve prepared yourself.”

Ben grinned at him; cheeks flushed pink, and beckoned for him to sit next to him on the little couch. As he sat, Ben leaned towards him and sweetly whispered in his ear “Sorry. Have a few drinks and it will all be better.”

The waitress came and Anakin ordered whatever Ben had. He hoped it wasn’t a mistake, but he didn’t feel like studying the menu and ordering a beer seemed out of the question.

Quin, who did have a beer (damn him), looked him straight in the eyes with a rather intense stare.

“So you’re a nurse. What hospital?”

“Good Samaritan.”

“Where did you grow up?”

“Here, but I lived in LA for 10 years.”

“Do you own a car? Have a bank account? Let me see your teeth”

Satine punched Quin in the arm. “Stop grilling him. That’s enough.” Ben was shaking his head.

“Yes to both and all my teeth.”

“All right, I suppose you’re good enough. Don’t want anyone taking advantage of our Ben.” Ben kicked him gently in response.

Thankfully, the waitress returned with his drink. It tasted vaguely of melons and burned going down. He took a big gulp.

“Where did you all meet?” Anakin took another sip.

“We were assigned as roommates freshman year in college. Been friends since.” Quin took a chug of his beer.

Satine continued “The two of us were English majors together and both English expatriates, so we got on rather well.”

“They fucked once too.” Quin was studying his beer label.

“Quin!?! Stop.” Ben’s cheeks were flushed pink, and he appeared fondly annoyed.

“Well its true. We never fucked, unfortunately.” He looked at Ben who rolled his eyes. “Don’t make that face. You were a big slut until you met Cody. I’m pretty sure you spent as much time naked as you did not naked.”

“Anakin, don’t listen too him. Are you trying to make him leave?”

“No, I’m trying to make him stay. He’ll want to hear this.”

Anakin laughed nervously. He wasn’t quite sure what to say. He finished his drink and ordered another round for the table. Quin, on a roll, kept going.

“You should hear how he met Cody. It’s possibly the best thing that has ever happened.”

“NO Quin please. No. I’m begging you.” Ben pleaded with useless desperation.

“Quinlan Vos. Stop. You’re being quite naughty.” Satine giggled but didn’t do anything to stop him.

Quin didn’t seem to care. “Imagine this. We’d been at a wild west themed party at Cody’s frat house. It’s 3 am and poor Cody just wants to go to bed. He goes up to his room and here is Ben riding his roommate like a bronco while wearing nothing but a cowboy hat. Cody stands there frozen, horrified. Ben just smiles at him with that fucking magical smile and says ‘hello there’. Cody was wrecked from that point on for anyone else.”

Ben had turned a brilliant shade of magenta. Anakin, completely unprepared for that turn of events, aspirated his drink and started to cough violently, knocking said drink over and spilling it on Ben’s feet.

“Look at what you’ve done.” Satine frowned as she scolded Quin, shook her head and called for the waitress for napkins and more drinks. Ben patted his back while Anakin caught his breath.

After the coughing fit subsided, Ben threw his arm around Anakin’s shoulder, giving him a squeeze. “Stop scaring him. When he gets nervous he throws things.”

“Its true. I threw cake at him when we first met.” Anakin leaned into him.

“Good plan! He loves cake! He has a massive sweet tooth. Probably would have lived off cookies or biscuits or whatever you call them without Satine’s nagging.”

Satine nodded. “Anakin, if you want to date our little robin, you have to take care of him. He is absolutely incapable of caring for himself.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I can take care of myself.”

“When have you ever taken care of yourself without whatever nanny you had, or me, or Quin, or Cody? Hmmmm? Never. Not once.”

“Sometimes I hate you.”

“The truth can be hard, darling.”

The rest of evening passed pleasantly. Anakin heard more of their college escapades and became comfortably drunk, as did Ben who seemed to get quieter but smilier, a good kind of drunk. He sat pressed up against Anakin occasionally squeezing his thigh or hand if they got to a good part of a story. Anakin leaned against him. He smelled amazing, like some kind of fancy soap and cedar or sandalwood or something. His lips looked soft and pink and he wanted to….

“Quin and I should probably be going. We’ll leave you two little parakeets to your own devices.” Satine smiled knowingly and grabbed Quin, pulling him with her. Anakin ordered them another drink, which was a poor choice, in retrospect.

“Come back to my place?” Anakin asked as Ben brushed his hair from his face, pupils dilated so only a tiny bit of sea grey remained.

“You’ve read my thoughts exactly.” The both stood up and wobbled against each other. The room spun.

“What was in those drinks?”

“Satine may have roophied us.” Ben giggled, and maintained his upright state just barely by holding on to the back of the couch and Anakin.

“There’s no way I can drive.” The room reminded him of the tilt-a-whirl he begged his mom to let him ride at the fair.

“No. We’ll call a cab.”

“I’ll just leave my bike. Hope its here in the morning.” Anakin giggled and snorted. He was hilarious.

“I’ll buy you a new one if its not. I have lots of money.” Anakin laughed again with the happy go lucky bliss of the very drunk and poked his side. They limped together out to the back to wait for their ride. The night air was brisk on overheated skin.

Alone, in semi darkness, Ben stood up on his toes a bit and kissed him tenderly, exploring a little with his tongue, which was very nice. Ben released him. “I’m making out with you behind a bar.”

“At least its not in the bathroom.”

“At least we have that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!
> 
> If you have a minute, please let me know what you think! Not Beta read, so let me know of any literary catastrophes. 
> 
> I'm @darthplodder on tumblr if you want to tell me to go home and rethink my life or say hello.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A warning for brief description of a toxic relationship that's not exactly noncon. Not at all graphic. 
> 
> The slow burn continues, my friends.

Ben woke up to his phone ringing for the third time in a while. He hoped, for the sake of his phone’s health and integrity, that this would not become a regular occurrence.

He felt strangely disoriented. Cracking his eyes open a slit, he noticed navy blue sheets. He did not own navy blue sheets. Early morning light was streaming through a window into a white walled room with narrow-planked hardwood floors. There were some crates and stacks of magazines and notebooks, but little else. His phone mercifully stopped ringing.

He rolled over gently and found Anakin laying beside him, very much asleep, mostly covered in blankets, hair fluffy. Shit. He couldn’t remember what happened. He hoped to god that his first time with Anakin was better than an unremembered drunken fumble. His shorts were still on and he didn’t feel sticky or sore, so there was that.

Ben studied Anakin’s uncovered neck and upper torso. Broad and straight, quickly tapering, he had that unearthly combination of willowy grace and strength, like some kind of Tolkien elf. His own familiar self-confidence had been shattered by illness, and he wasn’t quite thrilled about his shirtless state. He rolled back over and very carefully got off the bed. His head roiled with nausea and he swallowed back bile. He was never drinking again.

He couldn’t find his shirt or sweater but found a random tee shirt of Anakin’s on the floor and threw it on. His pants were by the bed and he managed to retrieve his phone out of his pocket. The nausea doubled when he saw who had called. Lu. Damn, Damn, Damn. It was Friday. He was supposed to send her the partial manuscript today.

Pantsless, he bolted out of the room, quickly identified the bathroom and puked up what felt like everything he had eaten or drank for the past year. Head spinning, he lay on the cool tile of the bathroom floor and tried to not panic. There was no way he could get her what she wanted today. He closed his eyes.

He woke up to the sense of being profoundly uncomfortable, cold, and that of a very tall person looming over him. “Anakin?”

“Little ginger, this is not a good place to be sleeping,” a deep voice explained.

Fuck, not Anakin, who was that? He swallowed and took a deep breath, hoping that whoever it was would be gone when he opened his eyes.

Unfortunately, he was still there, and it was Anakin’s father. Well, at least they weren’t 16 and he wasn’t totally naked.

“Rough night, huh? You’re not going to be able to move if you lay there for much longer.” He offered a large warm hand and pulled him to sitting. The room spun and he tried not to dry heave. The man leaned over, patted his back then pulled him upright. It was quite surreal.

“Back to bed with you. I’ll talk to Anakin later.” He walked him back into the bedroom, holding on to his upper arm like a nurse escorting a wobbly patient.

“Well son, you lost your friend here. I found him dozing on the floor.” He released Ben, and he stumbled back to the bed towards Anakin, who made a grumbling noise and rolled over.

“Come over for tea and breakfast once you’ve recovered.” He grinned and left the room.

* * *

Anakin was partially awoken by someone climbing onto the bed. He thought he heard his dad’s voice but ignored it. He was not a morning person. Through his narrowed eyes, he saw Ben sitting on the side of the bed looking bewildered and waifish in his own tee shirt. Ben was shivering, his wiry arms goose pimpled. Not thinking, he pulled Ben onto him and settled him there.

“Too cold” was all he could manage to say. Ben tensed against him initially, but relaxed and laid his head on his chest. Anakin pulled the blankets around them. They dozed.

Anakin woke up again a while later. Ben had rolled onto his back and was ever so lightly snoring. It wasn’t an unpleasant sound.

Anakin thought back to the night. They had stumbled up the stairs to his apparent, giggling madly. Ben, surprisingly strong, had pushed him onto the bed, pulled off his shirt, ogled for a minute appraisingly, then straddled him and kissed him like a mad thing. There may have been some groping from both parties. Ben had rolled onto his back for a minute to catch his breath and unceremoniously passed out. Anakin had quickly followed suit. No more alcohol, at least in serious quantities.

Ben stirred beside him and rolled onto his side. “Did we?”

“No.”

“Good, because I’d like to remember it. I’m profoundly hungover. You?”

“A little.”

“Your dad came by. He wants us to come over later.”

“Of course he did.” He was going to have to start locking the door.

Ben studied him for a minute and then reached out to brush the hair off his forehead. “Anakin, why did you move back here? You could have been a nurse in LA.”

“Sometimes you just want to start over fresh, you know? With new people that don’t know you and don’t have any preconceived ideas.” They lay on their sides, facing each other. It was so intimate and sweet that Anakin shivered.

“I’ve felt that way before.” Ben gave him a small, fond smile.

“I didn’t want to live that life anymore. I kind of transitioned from modeling into nursing, but my friends still wanted me to hang out with them. Parties and drugs, random sex. I guess I got to old for it and it just wasn’t satisfying.”

“Was it hard? Moving back?”

“A little. A little lonely, but honestly, constant partying was lonelier. I just know my dad, some people at work, and now you. But I like being able to hear myself think. It’s nice to not have to impress anyone or feel pressured to do anything.”

“I’m glad you did.” Anakin felt his insides turning to mush. There was a confession he needed to make, however. It would feel good just to tell someone.

“Well, there was this other thing too. A man.”

Ben narrowed his eyes, brows downturned. “I thought you said you didn’t date?”

“It wasn’t like that. He, well, he’s the one who helped me out when I first started. He got me my modeling jobs. He was so nice in the beginning, and I was too dumb to know I was being used.” Anakin took a deep breath.

“He would leave me alone for a while, but always came back. He kept trying to convince me to be his assistant or something like that and travel with him. Always bought me things. I kept hoping I’d get to be too old for him, but I didn’t. He was never happy that I went to nursing school or that I quit modeling. I never want to see him again.”

Ben reached out and grabbed his shoulder. “Anakin, did he hurt you in any way?”

Anakin wasn’t sure he wanted to go there, but he was the one who brought it up. When he was just starting out, he had slept with him, not unwillingly. He’d been sharing a tiny apartment, living off ramen, desperate for attention. Their toxic relationship had changed how he thought about sex and had really turned him off dating. He hoped he could just be normal with Ben.

“I was naïve and poor when I started out. He never really hurt me, just tried to manipulate me. His ultimate goal was to have me as his permanent arm candy.”

“Has he tried to contact you since you moved home?”

“No.” Thank god.

“If he bothers you again, tell me. I will torture him like the Inquisition is making a comeback. I’ll even enlist Satine, and trust me, she’s terrifying in her wrath.”

Anakin laughed. He couldn’t imagine his gentle and soft Ben torturing anyone. His Ben, he thought to himself. He liked the sound of that. He’d be pretty miffed if anyone even looked at his Ben the wrong way.

“You don’t believe me? I’m ferocious.”

“Yup, ferocious as my dad’s cat Peaches. About the same color too.”

Ben reached over and pushed the blankets down, tickling him, then stopped abruptly.

“Oh my, you have abs. I’ve never seen the likes on anyone before.” He studied them for a long minute.

“Are you sold on them? ‘Cause they’re a lot of work. I’m not sure how much longer they’ll last living here.” He was vain, but not that vain and not 20 years old anymore. He was also tired of chicken breast, oatmeal, and steamed vegetables.

“They’re certainly a perk, but not at all mandatory. I hope they’re not the expected standard because you won’t be seeing them here.” Ben pointed vaguely to his own torso.

Anakin laughed again and batted him with a pillow. “Speaking of abs, we should eat. My dad does ok with breakfast, so we should take him up on his offer. Do you want to shower? I think I have an extra toothbrush.”

“That would be lovely, but why don’t you go first? I have to make a phone call.”

Anakin gathered up some clean clothes and went into the bathroom, brushed his teeth, and took a quick shower. He overheard a bit of whatever phone call Ben was making. Though he sounded as calm and measured as ever, there was a certain worried quality to his voice.

“Lu, love, I’ll send you what I have later. “

“Yes, tonight.”

“I had to delete a somewhat large portion, Lu. It’ll be less then you’re expecting.”

“I know. I’ll work hard over the next few weeks.”

“Yes, before midnight.”

“Goodbye, darling.”

Anakin walked back into the bedroom to see Ben hunched over on the side of the bed.

“Everything all right?”

He straightened up “Yes, just talking with my editor.” He got off the bed and began hunting for his clothes. He looked so endearingly slight in Anakin’s tee shirt, ribs showing through the thin material as he bent over to pick up his pants. Anakin would not let him skip any more meals even if he had to text him 3 times a day.

“Have you seen my shirt or sweater?”

Anakin shook his head and walked out to make a cursory sweep of the rest of the apartment.

“Not sure where it went to. I’ll find you something.” Anakin found him a clean shirt and sweatshirt advertising the café. Ben took them without comment and made his way to the bathroom.

Once they were ready, they walked across the hall.

“Are you allergic to animals or anything?” Anakin glanced over at Ben who looked ridiculous in his tailored, creased grey wool pants and a lime green sweatshirt with a teapot and a cupcake on it. He wore the ensemble like he was walking for Prada.

“No. Should I be worried?”

“Just go with it.”

Anakin opened the door and let Ben descend down the rabbit hole that was this place. The plants were growing with wild, green abandon, and the banana tree was getting too big; it was a good thing the ceilings were vaulted in this old building. The parrot immediately noticed them and started to swing vigorously, greeting them with an inquisitive ‘KIWI’. An old upright piano sat in the corner, covered in books and succulents. The usual large floor pillows covered the scuffed hardwood, like some kind of brothel. Distant sitar music played and the place smelled of cinnamon and pleasant things baking (hopefully not cookies). Something looking like a pentagram complete with candles was drawn in chalk in the corner opposite the piano. Anakin led a wide-eyed Ben to the couch.

“Look, there’s Peaches. See the resemblance?” Anakin pointed to a small, scruffy, pale orange cat lounging on the sofa. Ben punched him in the shoulder as a response and sat. Peaches, sensing a new lap, sniffed him delicately, then climbed on and purred vigorously.

Anakin’s dad had emerged from the kitchen wearing a maroon smoking jacket and carrying a mug, which he handed to Ben. “Oh look. Peaches made a new friend. Not feeling too well, are you? Here’s some ginger tea with honey. I’ll bring you something with caffeine next.”

Ben made a move to stand up. “Thank you, I’m Ben.”

“Don’t stand up on my account. Peaches won’t forgive you. You don’t want him to regurgitate in your shoes. I’m Qui.” Ben looked nervously at his shoes, then back to his dad and they shook hands.

Kiwi flew over, landed on Ben’s shoulder, and nibbled at his ear. “Now we just need Lolly and you can be a verified Disney princess.” Anakin giggled.

Ben gave him a wary look as he sipped his tea. “Who’s Lolly?”

“Rabbit. She’s probably in the bedroom.”

“I think this belongs to you? They don’t look like Anakin’s. Found it on the stairs.” His dad is back holding a black cashmere sweater, grinning mischievously.

Ben blushed furiously. “Yes, was looking for it. Must have gotten hot.” He gave Anakin a frantic look.

“Well, I’m glad the two of you had a good night.” He winked and walked back into the kitchen, then re-emerged with a plate of muffins and cut up fruit. The muffins were the cookies’ antithesis; light, fluffy, moist, made of clouds and miracles. His dad wandered back to the kitchen.

“Don’t worry about him. He likes you. He made you special tea. Probably said a spell over it.”

Ben looked down and smiled, then fussed with his phone. “This has been an odd but lovely morning, Anakin, but there’s something I have to do at home. I’d best call a cab.”

“Oh no, I’ll give you a ride. No need for that.” Always listening, his dad had heard them from the other room. A little while later, they all piled into the blue VW bus and delivered Ben at his house. He rode along graciously, like he was being chauffeured in a Bentley, still wearing the sweatshirt as if it were Burberry.

“Walk him in, son. I’ll wait.” Anakin felt uncomfortably like he was back in high school, but complied.

Inside the doorway, Ben pulled him in and gave him a sweet kiss, sucking on his bottom lip for just a second. The room felt suddenly very hot. Ben pushed him away gently. “I really have to work on something for a bit, but we’ll talk soon?”

“Very soon.” Couldn’t be soon enough, thought Anakin.

Anakin climbed back into the bus and they went to retrieve his motorcycle.

“He’s worried about something, your Ben. All worked up.”

“He doesn’t seem that worked up.”

“He is and he’ll need your help. Something’s eating at him. Call him tonight.” His dad was always right.

“Ok.”

* * *

Ben had till midnight and was pretty much damned. He wasn’t short on money, but he didn’t have enough to live on forever. As Lu said, his books were a bit of a ‘niche market’ and the publisher was losing interest after a 2-year hiatus. It was the last bloody book of the series and he wanted his character to finish his journey. It would feel like abandoning a child to leave the series incomplete. It was his child.

He drank a gallon of tea while working the afternoon and evening away, glad that Satine hadn’t stopped by because he probably would have beaten her with his laptop if she tried to make him drink dragon fruit juice mixed with chard or some such nonsense. He felt glued to his chair, stiff, cold and uncomfortable but too miserable to move. His dreaded phone rang. If it was Lu, he might spontaneously combust. It was not, and he breathed a sigh of relief.

“Anakin, I’m so glad to hear from you. I needed the distraction.”

“What’ya working on?”

“Just my book is all, but I think I’ve done what I can. My brain is disintegrating as we speak.”

“Time for a break then. Have you eaten?”

“Not yet.” God, here was another Satine in training.

“Eat and go to bed. You’re not going to accomplish anything else. Get some rest.”

“I suppose I should. Speaking of eating, You should come for dinner sometime soon. I’ll cook.”

Shit, were did that come from? Being overtired frequently led to impulsivity on his part. This was truly a bad idea, but he wanted to make a grand romantic gesture. Cody had won him over with grand romantic gestures, so it had to be the way to go.

He had this quaint image of him and Anakin sharing a slow romantic meal, with candles and flowers and a breadbasket and everything. He envisioned himself proudly and benevolently serving Anakin a beautiful meal, while looking very handsome, of course. Fuck.

Cody had forbid him from cooking much after he forgot a pizza in the oven and it had turned into ash and char that had disintegrated upon contact. He joked that he was allowed to use the toaster and microwave with supervision. The only things he was allowed unlimited use of were his kettle and the ice dispenser.

“You can cook?” Anakin sounded a little skeptical. How could he know? Now he had to prove him wrong. How hard could it be?

“Certainly!” He tried to sound sure of himself. “When are you free?”

“I work this weekend, night shift, so Monday?”

“Perfect. Better come hungry.” Or ready to order takeout.

Anakin was right, nothing more would get accomplished tonight. He edited a few things and sent what he had to Lu, knowing that it really wasn’t much or his best. Ben hoped it would be enough to get by, for now.

Anyway, he had best start googling how to cook noodles. He was going to make Anakin a lovely lasagna. It would be a night he would never forget, or something.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read, left kudos or comments, or subscribed. It makes my day :D
> 
> I'm never sure quite how I feel about it, but I can't possibly look at it any more without screaming.
> 
> I think this will be about 12 chapters total, the way I look at it now. There may be some angst as we move along, but everyone will come through it ok with happy ending guaranteed. 
> 
> If you have a moment, please let me know what you think!


	6. Chapter 6

“Well bright eyes, just how many cups of tea have you had this morning?”

Satine had wandered out to the 3-season porch where Ben was sitting on a low wicker couch, still in sweat pants and an old long sleeve tee-shirt of Cody’s. It was a lovely fall day; crisp, but still retaining enough summer warmth so not to be bitter.

Ben watched the trees drop their multicolored leaves in the back garden while eating toast slathered with blackberry jam. He was haphazardly doing some research for his book and daydreaming about more pleasant things.

“Just a few.” Better to withhold the truth. This was number 7.

She glided over, a vision in yoga pants and a long wrap sweater, and sat beside him. Satine gave his breakfast the look one would give a dog that had done something distasteful on the rug.

“What do you have there?” She passed him his obligatory juice.

“It’s called toast, Satine. Normal people eat it.” He eyed the drink, “What’s this one? Duck weed and bilge water?”

“Cucumber, watercress, parsley, and kale. Drink it before I make you wear said toast.” It tasted like he imagined misery would taste like. Ben did his usual drink as fast as possible without vomiting routine, then beamed at her with pride.

“Satine, you’ll never guess what I did!” He was very pleased with himself.

“Likely not, darling. I hope you didn’t try to tear down a wall again. I don’t have the energy to help you clean up that kind of mess.”

“No, Teeny, I went to the grocery store!”

The last time he went had been with Cody, but he never actually shopped. He would go drink tea and ogle expensive cheese while Cody did the work. Cody would make him put back half of his frivolous finds, mainly because he’d learned with experience that Ben didn’t actually eat them. Because of this, Cody often went alone. Satine was right. Cody had enabled him shamelessly.

This adventure to the Whole Foods had only taken about 4 hours, and its possible he had to take 2 breaks to rest and have snacks. It’s also possible that he stared at noodles for 20 minutes. Who knew there were so many kinds? Some lovely grandmotherly sort had helped him pick out the best ones. He’d also stumbled into the isle that had biscuits and bought about 20 different boxes to have with his tea. All in all, it had been a success.

“Hummingbird, are you febrile?” She peered into his eyes and felt his forehead with the back of her cool hand.

“No, I’m going to cook for Anakin!” He had spent the weekend in a manic haze, reading recipes, cooking tips and venturing into food theory and chemistry and then had gone to the store. Now it was all swirling in his head in a chaotic tumble.

Satine looked like she was trying to hold back panicked terror. “Darling, that is the singularly worst idea you’ve had in some time. Maybe I should stay and help you?”

She then made the face one makes when they remember they only eat raw vegan food.

“Then again, maybe not. The best plan may be that we just order from a restaurant and say you made it yourself.”

“That would not be a grand romantic gesture, Satine.”

“All right, titmouse. When should I tell the fire department to arrive?”

He was spared from having to respond to that comment by the sound of his phone ringing.

“Good morning, darling Lu.”

“I’m coming to town next week. We need to talk.”

He feels the color leave his face. Any levity he had this morning is gone.

“What is it, love? Have I been naughty?”

“Don’t try to charm me out of this, you know what it’s about. I know I can get better from you.”

“I’ve been a bit distracted, I admit. I just need more time.”

“We don’t really have it. It’s been a while since we’ve met anyway and I’ll already be here for another event. I’ll send you a meeting planner.”

She hung up without further comment.

Satine didn’t say anything, but he was sure she heard it all. She took him in her skinny arms and hugged him.

“It will be all right, dearest little robin. We’ll work it out.”

“I just want to finish the series. That’s all.” Biting back nausea, he looked down at his cold toast and felt a sudden overwhelming exhaustion. He somehow irrationally felt that if his character, his creation, didn’t find fulfillment and didn’t finish his story, than he wouldn’t either. This had been haunting him for some time. So much of his past life and of Cody’s had been written into these stories, he needed to end them with a sense of hope, not in the darkness like his last published novel. Part of him knew that one way or the other, the book series, like the dregs of his past life, would have to come to an end and he would have to start again new.

It seemed impossible. Despair, his old enemy, crept back into the corners of his mind. He tried to swallow it back as he stared at the floor. Steadfast Satine still held him tight.

“Oh, love.” She rested her head on his shoulder.

“Don’t be sad dearest. Once this is over, you should skip the dreary detectives and write a romantic comedy for gays.”

He gave her a weary smile. “Maybe I’ll lay down for a while”

She sighed against him, “Everything seems worse when you’re tired. I know you don’t like my advice, but you’re trying too hard and working far too hard. Writing will come better if you’re relaxed. Go back to bed and wake up fresh, marigold.”

She followed him upstairs and sat on the bed until he fell asleep. When he woke up, she was gone and he felt a bit more settled. He’d start writing again tomorrow. Now it was time to cook. 

* * *

 

Anakin arrived around 6:00, greeted by a quiet Ben who let him in. Ben was the only man in the world who could get away with wearing a sweater vest and still be adorable. His button down had become untucked at one corner and he had a bit of marinara sauce on his cheek.

Anakin reached up and brushed his thumb over Ben’s cheekbone. This got a smile out of him and a lovely blush.

“You had some sauce there.”

Ben kissed his cheek and pulled him into a hug. “Oh darling, I’m glad you’re here.” Anakin melted against him, noticing that house was pleasantly warm and smelled of wood smoke and candle wax.

“Let me get you a glass of wine and then I’ll give you the grand tour. Wait here.” Anakin obeyed, and Ben returned with 2 glasses of red wine. They passed through a formal sitting room of sorts with many overfilled bookshelves. Anakin looked to see that the one he had snooped around in last time was still in its same configuration. It was.

They went through the rest of the house, Ben showing off the renovations they had done. The highlight was the large master bathroom, with a sizeable freestanding bathtub and walk in shower. These gave Anakin improper thoughts. A wink from Ben let him know that he was not alone in this. They headed back downstairs.

“Come on, I’ll show you the yard.”

Ben grabbed Anakin’s hand and led him out through the French doors. It was a broad expanse of soft, plush grass still retaining its summer green framed by a white picket fence, with several mature maples, riotous in reds and yellows. There was a patio with iron furniture surrounding a fire pit, which all appeared unused as they were covered in leaves.

Anakin, looking at the soft grass, was in a playful mood. He felt a sudden urge to show off.

“I bet I can do a handstand.” He also calculated that if he did this, his shirt would fall down, giving Ben a nice show.

“Well, lets see then.” Ben crossed his arms over his chest, clearly preparing to judge his effort.

Anakin stepped forward with his right foot and leaned down onto his hands. He managed to perform and admirable handstand and walk on his hands for a bit before toppling over. This received a polite clap from Ben.

“What, you can do better?” Anakin teased, not expecting a comeback.

“I’m going to regret this.” He looked like he was steeling himself to do some arduous task.

“It’s your fault when I can’t move tomorrow.” Anakin’s jaw dropped when he took off at a bit of a run and went into a perfect cartwheel, landing solidly on his feet. He promptly sat down on the grass. Never in his life did he ever think he’d see a man in a sweater vest do gymnastics. Anakin, still in awe, went and sat beside him.

“What was that?”

Ben was clearly trying to catch his breath. Anakin gave him a minute. “I used to be good at sport. Did gymnastics in high school and part of college, but got sick of it. Ugh. I think I’m done now.” He lay down in the grass.

“You can’t be done. You promised me dinner.” Anakin lay down beside him and poked his side.

“Give me a few minutes.”

“Fine. You must be very flexible.”

“No one’s complained so far.”

At this point, Anakin realized he really hadn’t eaten all day. His stomach growled loudly.

“I’m starving.”

Ben groaned and made no sign of getting up. If Anakin couldn’t show off his athletic prowess, maybe he’d show off his strength. He got up and heaved a startled Ben up to standing, then tried to pick him up into a bridal carry. Now, he wasn’t all that heavy, but he was still a grown man and a wiggling one at that.

Ben was quite indignant. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to show off my masculine strength and force you to finish making dinner. Hold still.”

“What are you a caveman? Anakin, you’re going to hurt your back.” He was obviously trying to sound angry but failing.

“Never!” He took off as fast as he could with his giggling cargo, but didn’t see a stump hidden in the grass causing him to pitch forward, dropping Ben and landing on top of him. He quickly pushed himself up on his forearms so as to minimize damage and looked down. Ben’s eyes were closed and he was shaking his head in startled annoyance but also laughing.

“Are you ok?”

“Fine, you idiot.” Ben opened his eyes, looked up at Anakin, and appreciated the view. “Hello. This isn’t a bad position.”

Anakin realized he was half on top of him, one leg between Ben’s legs. He leaned down, resting his forearms on the ground, and cupped Ben’s face with his hands, kissing him gently. When they came up for air, Ben gave him a gentle push.

“Aren’t you hungry? We’re never going to eat at this rate.”

“You’re irresistible.”

“You’re a fool.” Ben grinned as he pushed him off and stood up, then gave Anakin a hand up. He brushed the leaves and grass off of the both of them and winked as he brushed some debris off Anakin’s ass.

“Come on then, my brave and noble suitor, dinner should be ready.”

Anakin was lead into the dining room and made to sit at one end of the table. The room was dimly lit with numerous candles and a bouquet of fresh fall flowers sat in a crystal vase. A thick, cream tablecloth covered the table, which was set elaborately. No one had ever done anything even remotely like this for him before. He felt giddy with pleasure.

Ben emerged from the kitchen with a basket of bread followed by two suspicious looking plates of lasagna. Once he started to eat, Anakin found that there were no words to describe just how terrible it was.

The sauce was watery, tasting vaguely of unsalted tomatoes and acid mixed with some kind of sour wine. There was a film of suspect grease, pooling in areas like an oil spill. In this thin soup, sad chunks of ricotta floated pitifully. Every time he tried to cut the abomination, the liquid squeezed out all over the plate and left pitiful red spots on the tablecloth. It couldn’t be cut anyway, as the noodles were far too rubbery. The lasagna also had the hard to reproduce quality of being both burned and undercooked at the same time, which was astonishingly replicated in the bread as well.

Anakin was at a loss. He really wanted to please Ben, but there was no way he could eat this. Ben was watching him expectantly.

“It’s terrible, isn’t it?” He was staring down at his plate.

“Um, well… I don’t think I can eat it.”

Ben took the plates and walked back to the kitchen, leaning back against the counter. Anakin followed him. He studied his hands, eyes too bright and suspiciously watery.

“Gods, Anakin, I’m sorry. I just wanted to do something nice for you. I’m not capable of doing anything right anymore.”

Anakin walked over and took him in his arms.

“Listen, no one has ever even tried to cook for me before. I like you too much for this to ruin anything.”

Ben looked up at him with a bleary smile. “I shouldn’t be getting emotional over lasagna.”

“No. I’m glad to be here. I’d rather be here looking at bad lasagna than anywhere else right now. Let’s order Thai.”

They drank wine and nibbled on his tea biscuits until the take out arrived and then ate merrily, feeding each other bits of spring rolls and satay.

After dinner, they cuddled up on the couch in the cozy living room, fire crackling and popping. They decided on some kind of spy movie neither of them had seen.

“Look at the thighs on that young man… hmmm. He could do a lot of nice things with those thighs.”

Anakin looked down at his legs. He’d always thought they were decent. “Should I work on my squats?”

Ben studied his thighs and gave one a bold, appraising squeeze, like he was assessing some fruit he was going to buy.

“I think you’ll do, Anakin.”

The way Ben said his name was drawn out like some kind of benediction. He had a curious look on his face and quickly went from being curled up at Anakin’s side to straddling his lap, gazing directly into his eyes. The movie was forgotten.

“I just couldn’t resist you any more. You’re too gorgeous.” He leaned in to kiss Anakin.

“Ugh…” was all he could say and kissed back enthusiastically, enjoying the rasp of Ben’s short beard on his face.

After the kiss let up, Ben whispered in his ear “We should fuck.” Anakin could not have agreed more, and hearing that in Ben’s cultured voice was enough to put him over the edge. However, his treacherous mind thought about the few horrible times with that man and wondered what to do if Ben wanted to fuck him. He froze and went rigid.

Ben could obviously sense his unease and studied him with anxious, downturned brows while getting off his lap. “Did I read this wrong? Anakin, I’m sorry. We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. I’m a bit rusty, I suppose.”

“No, No it’s not that. I want to. I… there’s things I don’t like.”

“What kind of things? I want this to be good, Anakin. You have to tell me what you don’t like.”

His face felt like it was purple-red. “umm, I…”

“Just say it.” Ben encouraged.

“I’m afraid to bottom.” Anakin squeezed his eyes tight. There he said it. “I’ve had some really bad times.”

Ben put his hand on his shoulder. “I’m sorry, but I’m glad you told me. There’s no need to do anything you don’t want to. Or anything at all really.”

Anakin shook his head, feeling awkward and foolish. “Just forget it for now. I want to. Let’s go back to where we left off.” He pulled Ben back onto his lap and they resumed their furious kissing; Anakin’s insides melted as Ben sucked and bit at his lower lip and gently explored with his tongue.

Anakin shivered as Ben whispered in his ear again “It’s no problem darling. You can stick your cock in me any day.”

Ben’s voice, saying those silly, dirty things was making him aroused, as was Ben nibbling at his ear and kissing a trail down his neck. Anakin made some incomprehensible sound that he hoped Ben took as a positive.

Breathless, Ben stood up and held out his hands to Anakin. “Let’s go upstairs.” Anakin jumped up and followed him. They took the stairs at a bit of a run and went into Ben’s bedroom, complete with a large four-poster bed.

Ben started to unbutton Anakin’s shirt with deft fingers. “Off with these clothes. I want to get a good look at you.” Ben enthusiastically helped him disrobe and then ogled appraisingly.

“Dear one, you’re fucking gorgeous. Even your cock is perfect. I’m not sure I deserve you.” With that Ben pushed him onto the bed.

“You realize you’re still wearing all your clothes, including that damn sweater.”

Ben looked quizzical for a moment as he stood above him, “I suppose that won’t do.” He dimmed the lights and took off his own clothes, somewhat reluctantly.

“Are you all right?”

“A bit self conscious is all. I’ve never… since I’ve been ill.”

Anakin got up and helped him. “You are fine. There’s no one I’d rather be with.”

“Oh you big flirt.” Ben, now undressed, pushed him back on the bed and climbed over him, touching his finger to Anakin’s lips then tracing it down this chest. Anakin pulled him back into a steamy kiss, rubbing their hips together.

Anakin flipped Ben over onto his back.

“Oh, cheeky are we? Condoms and lube in the top drawer” Ben said grinning, his voice breathy, his changeable eyes dark blue, pupils dilated.

Anakin studied him for a brief moment. He was slender enough to appear delicate, likely had lost a significant amount of muscle mass in his illness. He ghosted his fingers over the arches of his ribs, causing Ben to shiver. Anakin kissed and nibbled at his clavicles, noting a horizontal scar a few inches below the right one. He traced his finger over it and then anointed it with his lips.

Anakin traced his fingers down the trail of dark red hair which led to his cock, then took him in his mouth, did some things with his tongue that brought him to a white knuckled, writhing climax and then worked him enthusiastically till he was a loose, moaning mess, exclaiming various creative profanities.

“Fuck, Anakin. Fuck. You had better fuck me now.”

Anakin didn’t always do what he was told, but in this case, it seemed like a good idea.

They finished in exquisite, enthusiastic bliss, Ben’s legs around Anakin’s neck. He disentangled himself gently and lay down, panting. Ben sat up beside him, cross-legged, and studied him for a moment, entwining his fingers in Anakin’s hair.

“I can’t get over how lovely you are. I’m so lucky.”

“You’re not so bad yourself.”

“Hmmph. Shameless flatter. Let’s clean up and go to bed.” He got up and pulled Anakin to standing. “The shower is massive and there’s lots of hot water.”

They had a slow, but literally steamy round two, making liberal use of the shower walls and the bench. Ben leaned against him as they stood in the hot water. “I don’t think I can move. That’s the most exercise I’ve had in a long, long time.”

Anakin pulled him out and dried them both off as Ben looked at him with sleepy, dazed fondness. He shepherded Ben into bed and climbed in beside him. He thought that they’d talk, but Ben just aggressively cuddled up against him, turning him onto his side and throwing his arm over Anakin’s chest.

“You get to be the little spoon. Now sleep.” Ben murmured. In a surprisingly short time, Anakin heard his breathing slow, and it was clear he was asleep, his warm weight pressed against Anakin’s back. It was early for Anakin, but there was no way he was going to move; he felt so oddly safe and comfortable.

He’d never had anyone cook, or at least try to cook for him. He’d never had anyone say his name like that, like it was something precious. He’d never had anyone like Ben at all and never thought he would. Anakin found himself hoping that this would never end; that he wouldn’t do anything stupid to screw it up. These feelings were so new and for once in a long while he was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to picavenger14 who looked this over for me. Any mistakes are a result of my own impulsivity. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Thanks so much for reading. Let me know what you think! Any thoughts or suggestions are helpful.
> 
> As always, you can visit me at darthplodder.tumblr.com if you'd like.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here be dragons, ok not really, but there is some angst and issues with grief and depression. 
> 
> On a happier note, Qui-Gon makes an appearance and all ends well.

Anakin slowly woke up to the peaceful bliss of someone who still has hours to lie in bed, especially a bed that was warm, clean, and soft, smelling vaguely of cedar. He’d finally found the deep, dreamless sleep that had been eluding him for some time. He hated to admit it, but Ben’s quiet breathing and warm presence had made him feel safe and at ease.

He could tell Ben was awake, staring up at the ceiling as if studying some unseen pattern, blankets down to his waist. Anakin felt a surge of affection and turned towards him, laying his head on Ben’s chest. He savored feeling the rise and fall of Ben’s breathing and listened to the steady thump of his heart. He felt Ben’s hand thread through his hair.

“Good morning, sweet one. ” Ben said softly as he continued to card his fingers against his scalp. Anakin tried not to purr.

“Yes it is. Everything was good.” Anakin commented.

“Quite.” Anakin could feel Ben’s voice vibrating in his chest.

“You’re immeasurably lovely, even when you wake up. It’s not fair,” Ben mused.

Anakin smiled to himself. He so badly wanted this relationship to work. He hadn’t wanted anything like he wanted this, not for a very long while. They had fallen together so naturally and had fallen into intimacy so easily.

He felt the reality of the bones of Ben’s chest against his face and worried that he’d hurt Ben if he lay there too long. He rolled off and lay on his side, studying him.   He still looked so pale, eyes still dark shadowed, and he could see bruises that he must have left on his fair skin, marking him like the violet tattoos of fingertips.   Anakin reached over and traced one along Ben’s flank with his finger.

“Did I hurt you?”

“No, darling, and I likely did the same to you. It’s not like it was a one sided affair.”

“I think I wore you out, though.”

“Maybe a little, but so worth it. Anyway, It still really doesn’t take much.”

Anakin frowned and thought to himself. Ben’s health wasn’t exactly robust and he tried to downplay his fragility and the fine line that he walked. What if he got sick again? What would Anakin do? He felt selfish thinking about this, but Ben could easily relapse. It was never 100%. He felt uneasy and didn’t know what to think.

Anakin felt possessed to ask a certain question. He hoped it would be ok. “Can I ask you something?”

Ben gave him a soft smile. “Anything you’d like.”

“How did you know you were sick?”

“Well, it started gradually, I suppose. Cody knew it before I did. I wasn’t myself. I guess you’d never know it now, but I was a fairly energetic, workaholic, insomniac 

“I can see that.”

“Anyway, I got more and more tired. I lost some weight. Not a lot, but enough that Cody noticed. I told him it was nothing.”

Anakin could hear a catch in Ben’s voice. Ben rolled on his side, facing the windows and away from Anakin. Fuck. He was going to regret asking about this.

“I didn’t want to see a doctor. It was so gradual. I thought it was nothing. Told myself I was working to hard. Cody insisted I see a doctor, which I was strongly opposed to. We fought horribly.”

Anakin was horrified to hear that he was obviously crying and trying to hide it, his whole body shaking. What in the fuck had he done with his curiosity and selfish worry? Fuck. He wished he could go back in time about 5 minutes.

“Our last conversation was a fight, screaming and yelling. I just wanted to nap the afternoon away and not talk about my health. He was so worried and kept pressing the issue. I finally told him to stop trying to mother me to death and to go fuck himself. Cody was so hard to ruffle, but I’d finally pissed him off. I’d never seen him so worked up. He stormed outside and I found him later. I’m sure his anger didn’t help the aneurysm.”

Ben paused and caught his breath. “Fuck. I’ve only ever told Satine that I practically killed him.”

He’d pulled the blanket up to his face, body tremulous with silent sobs. Anakin, unsure of what to do, crept closer across the bed. Feeling protective, he leaned towards him and rubbed his back. There was absolutely nothing he could think to say.

Ben’s voice was broken and gasping but his words came out slow and steady. He was obviously trying to calm himself. “I’m a horrible person. I didn’t deserve him.   I never did. I walked all over him and treated him like shit. And what did he get out of it? He died.”

He took a long, shuddering breath. “God, Anakin, I’m sorry. I’m sure this isn’t what you’re here for, listening to someone cry about their ghosts. I’m just empty. I don’t have anything left. It’s probably best if you go.” Ben paused, still catching his breath.

“It’s probably better if I’m alone. Please go,” Ben said, his voice barely audible.

Anakin didn’t know what to do with this dismissal. He slowly backed away, edging towards the side of the bed. Did Ben mean forever or for right now?

“I hate leaving like this. I’m so sorry. Can I do something?” He stared at Ben’s shaking back. He was way over his head.

“Let me help, please.”

Anakin was met by gut wrenching silence. His eyes felt unusually hot and full.   He tried to blink it away and swallow back the sick feeling rising into his chest. Horrible memories of his mother’s death were creeping back into the forefront of his mind. He hadn’t really grasped that she was dying that day; all he’d wanted to do was to go outside and be free of the strange, scary hospital. He’d finally become a nurse, to honor her, to assuage his own guilt.

“I just need some time to think. I’m sorry.” Ben was still hiding his face, turned resolutely away from him. The gasping sobs were slowing. He’d curled himself into a ball on the farthest side of the bed.

Anakin felt sick. He supposed he should just leave. He silently got up and started fumbling around for his clothes. His stomach sank further as Ben didn’t say anything else. Dressed, he looked back at him, a truly miserable figure.

“I suppose I’ll go.” Hearing no complaint, he walked to the door and shut it on the way out. He kept hoping he’d hear the door open or hear Ben following him.   He didn’t.

Anakin tried not to run to his bike. Why did he feel like such shit? It wasn’t like he’d known Ben for that long. But damn, he was so kind at times, and funny and so fucking endearing with his sweaters and his voice and his fucking face.   

Anakin rubbed the skin under his eyes and rode off. Once he got home, he stormed into his apartment. Concentrating on slowing his breathing, he sat on the couch, knees to chest, and stared out the picture window to the street below. Why should he care so much about someone he only met a few weeks ago? He did care though, and he couldn’t make himself stop.

_Stupid,_ he thought as he rubbed his eyes, _stupid_. He should get up and do something else. Go draw. Putter with his bike, then go out and find someone else. That idea left him feeling empty and sick. He ran angry fingers through his hair and pushed some journals off the couch. They landed on the floor with a satisfying thud. He heard his door open.

“Pigeon, why are you home?” His dad came in the door, carrying Lolly the grey lap rabbit. He gave Anakin a long and studied look.

“That’s quite the face. What’d you do to our ginger?”

“Our ginger, dad? He’s mine. Or was. He kicked me out.”

His dad sat cross-legged on the shaggy gray rug by his unused fireplace. He made a contemplative face.

“It’s not over. Not now. He’s just a little bit lost. Anyway, I want to keep him too. He has to come to the bonfire.”

He pulled some kind of bunch of dried herbs or flowers out of his pocket and put it in his hand, beckoning to Anakin.

Anakin got up and picked it up. It kind of looked like daisies. Anakin knew his dad and his friends had some kind of hippy bonfire where they burned things and probably danced around naked. He knew he’d be forced to go and had hoped there would be significant alcohol involved. He couldn’t imagine Ben at that kind of thing. Sighing, Anakin sniffed the bundle of herbs.  

“What is this?”

“Chamomile.”

Anakin suspected there was some meaning to it, but he couldn’t care right now. He took the little bundle and held it in his hand.

“Why did he give you the boot?”

“He felt guilty about his dead husband.” Anakin explained a bit about Ben’s past.

“He thinks he’s grieved himself out, but he’s not done. He still wants you though, pigeon, I’m sure of it.” He continued to stroke Lolly and gave Anakin a beatific look, hair long and free like some kind of very strange Madonna.

“Give him a little time. Help him along. You can. You know how.” Cleary finished with whatever cryptic message he felt compelled to deliver, his dad got up and walked towards the door, Lolly still safe in his arms.

“How will I know how to help him?”

“You’ll know.”

“What is this for?” Anakin pointed to the bundle in his hand

“Patience” He replied as he left. 

* * *

 

Lying alone, Ben felt so hollow he wasn’t sure he was real anymore. He kept meaning to get up and follow Anakin, beg him to stay, but he was frozen to the bed. He just let him go and listened to the sound of his bike riding off. All he could think was that it’d be too cold to ride anymore soon. Not that it should matter, as he’d probably just ruined things.

_I’m so lost. I lost myself a long time ago. There’s nothing of me anymore_ , he thought to himself. He wanted to sink into the bed and disappear, dissolve into the ether.

Ben continued to lay curled up in his bed in abject misery for the remainder of the morning into the afternoon. Now, dusk was falling and he’d still barely moved.   His stomach growled pitifully a few times, but he ignored it and so it retaliated and started churning with unsettled nausea. During this time of misery, Lu had sent him their meeting planner for lunch.  

After turning off the ringer, he threw his phone at the wall in a mature fashion and left it neglected on the floor. He needed to move out of this house with its fucking ghosts. He needed to start over.  There had to be something to make this terrible emptiness go away.

Getting up and throwing on a robe, he stumbled down stairs and riffled through some of the cabinets only reachable by stool. He found a bottle of bourbon he and Cody had received as a gift long ago. Throwing some ice in a mug, he poured a generous amount, then grabbed the bottle and took it to his office. It burned so smoothly as it riled his neglected stomach and went straight to his head. He went to his computer and tried to write, drinking and typing out his pain into disjointed sentences, the bourbon turning despair into a meaningless haze. 

Writing was impossible, so he stumbled out to the porch with his mug and computer and lay on the wicker couch. He then proceeded to torment himself by looking through their old photos, vacations and quiet moments.  Looking at the old pictures, he almost didn’t recognize himself anymore.

A few hours later, he was awoken by pale morning light. His teeth were chattering, his bare feet blue. He forced cramped and aching limbs to get up and stumbled up the stairs and ran a bath, sitting till the warm water revived him and his skin pruned.

In his mind’s eye, he still was the Ben of three years ago and not this pale imitation. He kept expecting to look down at himself and see his old body, not this one with its strange, bony landscape, its narrow, slightly concave belly. He idly supposed he should take better care of it, but it just took so much energy.

Hugging his knees to his chest, he regretted how the morning had passed. He should have never kicked Anakin out in a fit of impulsive bitterness brought on by grief. He’d have to try to salvage things later. Now, he needed to rest. Once the water cooled, he climbed into bed still damp and lay there until sleep took him. Disoriented, he dreamed the oddly vivid dreams that come with sleeping at odd hours of the day.

A stag was leading him through a dark forest to a meadow full of strange golden light that he could never quite reach. He could see it in his peripheral vision, but the paths were never straight and he kept tripping over roots and branches. 

He heard someone calling his name and slowly came to reality. The bed jostled.   He hoped somehow that it was Anakin, but knew it wasn’t.

“Ben, love, are you ill?” Satine touched his forehead. She must be worried. She only called him by his name when she was either angry or truly concerned. He rolled over onto his stomach and tried to pull the pillow over his head.

“For once just go. Take your sanctimonious self elsewhere. I can’t deal with your overbearing concern right now. “

Satine was strong and she ripped the pillow off his head.

“Don’t you hide, lamb.” She pushed at him, trying to roll him over.

“I know you. The more you try to push me away the more you need me. Let me get a good look at you.”

“Fuck. You’re like a barnacle.”   Ben groaned as he rolled over onto his back. She studied his face, tracing it with her fingers. She was frowning, slim blond brows downturned.  

“No, no, no. You are not going to self-destruct right now.” She shook her head and tilted it in a thoughtful way.

“I’ve held you together for this long, I’m not going to lose you now.”

“I am not your pet project, Satine. I’m not your child or your hobby.” Ben was almost yelling at this point, at the same time both angry and regretting it. His eyes started to feel hot and watery. He was not going to cry again. _Shit Satine, just go_ he thought. _Let me be alone for a while_.

Satine sat there with dogged determination, face even and calm. Ben knew it was bad if she was the even-tempered and he was the reactionary.

She gripped his arm and smiled softly. “No, you’re my dearest friend and closest family in every way that counts. You need me and I need you.”

She took a deep breath, “You always try so hard to push people away before you let them in. That doesn’t work with me. I’m not leaving until you talk.”

He sighed and sat up, causing his head to spin. As he covered himself with the blankets, he decided that it felt kind of good to give in to her.   He counted to ten in his head and allowed his mind to settle into its usual patterns.

“Anakin came the night before. We had sex. It was even more glorious than I’d imagined, which is pretty remarkable. My imagination in regards to my gay fantasies is pretty fine honed.”

Satine raised an eyebrow. “Keep talking.”

“This morning I had a total and complete freak out shut down session and basically kicked him out. I don’t know Satine, I think I just felt so guilty about Cody.”

“Cody was a giver, hummingbird. His greatest pleasure was your happiness. He would not want you to suffer or put any blame on you. He wouldn’t want you to be alone and miserable.”

Ben decided she was probably right.

“Do you still want to date Anakin?” Satine asked.

“I think so.”

“I doubt it’s irredeemable, sweet, but you’re going to have call him and grovel.” She took his hand in her own. “You’re the color of your sheets and your hands are freezing. You have to eat something.”

“Not now Satine. My stomach hurts.”

“Yes, you’ve made yourself sick with wallowing. Now come, I’ll get you whatever you want, even pancakes.”

He felt himself turn green. “Ugh. Not now.”

“Fine. I will allow you to wallow a bit longer if you promise me that you will call him tonight and prove it. Otherwise I’m coming back.”

“I think he’s working.”

“He’ll have a break at some point. Text him first. No more excuses. Or do you want me to stay here and continue mothering you?”

“Fine. I’ll call.”

“Send me proof, little robin.” She got up off the bed and with one last worried glance, left the room.

A few hours later, Ben made himself get up and get dressed. He forced himself to choke down a protein shake. Fortified, it was time to text.

-Anakin, I’m an idiot. I’m sorry.

He put on some meaningless television and waited.

-Ok

-Will you give me another chance?

Unbearable seconds passed with majestic slowness.

-Yes

-Can we talk?

-I’m working and it’s a shit night. Can’t think right now. Talk to me tomorrow.

Ben set his phone down and sighed. Well, that was better than outright rejection or no answer at all. He watched TV until he fell asleep. 

* * *

 

Anakin collapsed in a heap on his bed when he got home from work, totally done with everything. He woke up 6 hours later, went to the gym on autopilot, came home, ate leftover chicken breast with broccoli, and tried to read a repair manual. He couldn’t stop wondering if Ben would call. Distracted, he stared out the window into the night sky. The moon was full.

The buzzer for the downstairs door startled him from his reverie. He pressed the button and was surprised to hear Ben’s voice.

“Anakin, can I come up?”

Anakin let Ben into his apartment and he took off his shoes. He looked frankly terrible, the worst he’d seen him. Hair untidy and none too clean, eyes red rimmed and puffy, and face pinched and grey. He was wearing the sweatshirt Anakin had leant him and some ancient, faded jeans with too much material held up by a battered belt.   He wasn’t wearing socks.

“Anakin, I’m sorry. As always, I’m an idiot,” Ben said as he reached up to cup Anakin’s face with his cold hands, and then rubbed his stubbly cheek against Anakin’s own. Anakin threw his arms around him and held him tight, feeling Ben’s hands move to his neck. Any lingering anger melted away.

Needing to feel him, to feel that he was ok, Anakin slid his hands under Ben’s shirt, feeling the warm skin of his back and belly. Ben shivered against him and closed his eyes.

“You’re ok. It’s ok” Anakin was reassuring Ben as much as he was reassuring himself.

“Grief is a tricky thing, Anakin. Sometimes I’m just so lost.”

“I get it. I feel like that too sometimes, like I’m starting from scratch way too old.” Anakin admitted as he continued to rub Ben’s back under his shirt.

“We can be lost together, if you want,” Anakin mused.

This was uncharted territory. If he was going to be adrift at sea in a rudderless ship with no stars to guide him, it would be better to have company. He stepped away and looked Ben in the eyes, curious as to his answer.

“I think I want that.” Ben leaned against him again, seeming to not want to lose their closeness.

Anakin led him over to the couch. “I know what grief is like. I don’t think you ever get over it. You just learn to live with it. It kind of loses its sharpness after a while, I guess. I still talk to my mom in my head sometimes.”

“Oh Anakin, I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok. It was a long time ago. She was my world. I still miss her so much.”

Ben took his hand into his own and appeared to be studying it, gently rubbing his palm. Anakin’s hand was longer and narrow; Ben’s smaller but more square. Anakin studied his face. Ben’s eyes looked oddly dark, almost navy. He looked like he’d been on a two-day bender, which in some ways he probably had.

“When did you eat last?”

“Well, Satine-junior…” Ben then gave a quizzical look like he was trying to figure out advanced integrals and string theory.

“Ok, just stop. I don’t think I want to know the answer. I’m making you dinner.” Anakin got up and rifled through the refrigerator. He had eggs and some cooked veggies, a little bit of chicken left.

“Ok, how about an omelet? If you don’t like that, we can order something. And don’t shake your head like that. You will eat.” Anakin tried to glare imperiously. He had never met anyone so stubbornly awful at self-care before. It was kind of frightening, but kind of charming. He thought it was funny that he was the more put together of the two of them.

Puttering in the kitchen, he threw together the omelet and presented it to Ben.

“Are you going to sit there and watch me eat?”

“Yes, I already ate. Get to it.”

Ben took a few hesitant bites, and then picked up the pace like his body’s needs suddenly caught up with him. “This is very good.”

“Its nothing special, you’re just hungry.”

“Mmmm” was Ben’s reply, between bites.

“Finish that, and then we’ll make cookies.”

“What, bake them?” Ben looked perplexed.

“Yes, with the real oven and all.”

“From a mix?”

“No. Just using the recipe on the back of the chocolate chip bag.”

Ben was still looking at him with wide, distrustful eyes. “You can do that?”

“It’s not that hard, my mom taught me. We used to do this together.” He gave Ben a pointed look. “Finish your omelet first.” Ben rapidly complied and took his finished plate to the sink. His color looked better, eyes brighter.

“Do I get to help?”

“Yes, here, measure out 2 and half cups of flour and put it in this bowl.” Anakin handed Ben canister of flour, a measure cup, and a mixing bowl. Ben regarded it all with grim determination.

Anakin turned his back for a minute and then noticed Ben was about to put a heaping cup of flour into the bowl.

“You have to level it.”

Ben stared quizzically at the measuring cup, clearly not understanding. Anakin could see clearly now how the lasagna turned out so bad.

“Let me show you.” He took a step over towards Ben and went to take the cup from him at the same time that Ben turned towards him. It was somehow the exact same move they’d made with the cake. The flour went everywhere like ash from a volcano raining down upon them and covering the front of Ben’s sweatshirt and jeans. There was some on his nose and in his hair.

Anakin laughed and brushed the flour out of his hair and kissed the tip of his nose.

“I think our relationship is doomed to involve the spilling and throwing of baked goods.”

Ben responded with a raised eyebrow, shaking his head but smiling.   “Kind of a waste.”

While the cookies baked, they sat at the small kitchen table, twining their feet together underneath.

“Tell me about your books?” Anakin asked.

“Well, they’re about a detective.”

“Mysteries?”

“Yes, but with maybe a bit more substance. Anyway, the protagonist comes to the realization that he’s gay a bit late in life. He’s always hid behind this stoic façade, denying his true self. He slowly comes to understand that over the course of the books. He solves crime, of course, and has a serial killer nemesis that he stalks throughout the series and is obsessed with. Wouldn’t want to be original or anything.”

“I think it sounds interesting. How many books are there?”

“3 so far. I’m working on the fourth, which is the last. I didn’t want to write just some crime novels; they’re meant to be a character study as well. The last one ended at a low point for our hero. He lost a good friend to his nemesis. At this point, I need to figure out how to end the storyline, but I’m struggling a bit.”

“Does he fall in love?”

“I didn’t want to make it a love story. I kind of wanted him to find fulfillment on his own and learn to accept who he is.”

“Couldn’t love help him to get to that point?” What did Anakin know, he was no love expert, but he did think that people should help each other.

“I guess it seemed so trite to have love save him. People should save themselves.” Ben looked down and studied his hands, as if he was disappointed in himself.

“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean that they can’t have help from the people that love them.”

Ben reached across the table and squeezed his hand, smiling wistfully at him.

“Maybe you’re right.”

At this point, the timer went off for the cookies and Anakin got up to take them out. They ate hot cookies until their bellies ached, feeding each other choice bits and burning their tongues. Their kisses afterwards were sugar sweet, tasting of milk chocolate and vanilla, all their previous sadness forgotten.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to picavenger14 for giving this a pre-read and providing some useful insight!!
> 
> Thanks to you all for reading! As always, feel free to let me know what you think.
> 
> I'm @darthplodder on tumblr and am harmless. Say hi if you'd like.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time I think to myself that I'm going to write some more angst, it turns into fluff-master 3000. So. Here you are. Angst at about a 3/10.

Cocooned in blankets, warm and comfortable, they spent the remainder of the evening tangled up in each other in Anakin’s soft bed and awoke to a much better morning. This led to leisurely kissing and groping and transitioned into not so leisurely sex.

Flushed and sated, Ben lay beside him, propped up on one elbow. With his other hand, he was lazily tracing patterns on Anakin’s chest and belly.

“Do you like tacos?”

“Hmmm…. What?” This was not the kind of post-coital talk that Anakin was used to.

“Tacos.”

“Yes, but you’re not thinking about cooking again, are you?” Anakin asked warily. He didn’t think it would be worthwhile to try to rehabilitate Ben. He should not be allowed in the kitchen.

“No. Just Curious.” Ben tickled him a bit and grinned. “I’m sorry!! I was trying to show you a grand romantic gesture.”

“I don’t need grand romantic gestures.” I just want you, thought Anakin.

“You deserve them, though.” Ben continued studying him, tracing him with his finger as if it were a brush. “You’re so lovely. If I had an artistic bone in my body, I would paint you a thousand different ways.”

Anakin felt the blood rush to his face, and he closed his eyes, smiling. This was one of those moments Anakin didn’t want to end. He just wanted to forever remember Ben laying there, softly smiling, basked in the morning light that was making his hair more blond than red, eyes the light grey green of a churned up sea.

Anakin reached over and brushed his hand through Ben’s hair. “You’re a shameless flirt.”

“Yes, but I get what I want. When do you work next?”

“Tomorrow night.”

Ben turned onto his back and sighed. He looked sleepy, eyes heavy lidded and lethargic.

“Do you have anywhere you need to be today?” Anakin asked.

“No, just have to call my agent at some point. She’s terribly good at what she does, but can be a bit of a chore.”

“Sleep a bit longer.” I’ll protect you from your demons, just rest, he thought. Anakin felt another one of those overwhelming urges to take care of him until the color came back into his face, and he filled out the hollows between his ribs. Anakin wasn’t really tired anymore so he got up and kissed Ben’s forehead and shut the drapes.

Anakin sat at the kitchen table and doodled aimlessly in his sketchbook for a while, trying to get the shape of his eyes quite right. He was not surprised to hear the front door open.

“Well pigeon, I see you’re out here alone. You’re drawing, so you can’t be too sad. Did you reconcile? How was the make-up sex?”

His dad was wearing an ancient, cabled fisherman’s sweater, maroon corduroys, and a rather gaudy yellow scarf. He was carrying an odd assortment of items on a tray, but no animals this time.

“Shh” replied Anakin, tilting his head and looking towards the bedroom.

His dad gave him a wink and a conspiring grin, and then dropped his voice to a stage whisper. “I never doubted you, son. I’m glad our little pet is sleeping.”

“He’s not some kind of stray animal you get to take in.”

“Of course he is. He has to be tamed and cared for, just like a stray. You’re doing fine though. Here’s some breakfast.”

Qui-Gon set down the tray, which held two containers, one was a box containing some pastries from the café- scones, pain au chocolat, some kind of apple filled strudel thing, and a few other assorted delicacies. The other contained all kinds of exquisite fruit cut into bite-sized pieces. There were berries, figs, mango and some things he couldn’t identify. How his dad came by this fresh, ripe fruit in the fall in this part of the country was beyond him. Probably magic.

The tray also held a teapot and two satchels of tea. A little card sat against the pot, proclaiming that it was necessary to steep 4 minutes.

“This will help in your taming.” His dad giggled and exaggeratedly tip toed out the door.

After about an hour, Anakin scrambled some eggs and made the tea. He assembled everything on the tray. He was almost shaking, giddy with excitement. He’d never brought anyone breakfast in bed before.

Ben was curled up on his side and stirred when Anakin entered the room. He turned over onto his back and blinked a few times, adorably sleep-dazed. Anakin set the tray on the foot of the bed and climbed up beside him, mussing his rumpled hair and then hugged him tight, sticking his nose into the crook of his neck.

“Mmm… not awake yet. I’m sure I don’t smell all that good right now.” Ben said as he fully opened his eyes and noticed the tray.

“Is this a dream? Or are you really bringing me breakfast in bed? I was the fuck up, but here you are with this lovely feast.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

“You even brought tea, you little minx. I definitely deserve absolutely none of this.”

“Well, I think you do. I like making you smile.”

“You are so ridiculously sweet my teeth are actively rotting. If this continues I’ll be needing dentures. Then what would you think of me, hmmm?”

Anakin smiled as he looked at the floor, felt the blood rise in his cheeks again. They ate a surprising majority of the delicacies and the remainder of the morning passed with pleasant, easy bliss. 

* * *

 Ben left around noon; unfortunately he could not spend his life as a gentleman of leisure and would have to get some work done today. He got home to his cold, empty house, turned up the thermostat and started a fire in the fireplace. The day was gloomy and the air held a bitter prelude of the coming winter.

Honestly, he felt the best he had since who knows when and felt the beginnings of actual motivation. Anakin’s support and care seemed to make a difference in how he felt. He shook his head and stretched his fingers. Don’t get ahead of yourself. How are you going to handle it when he leaves you, he thought to himself.

Ben decided to put these thoughts out of his head and turned on the kettle, pulled out his computer, and then stared angrily at his phone. He had to call Siri and talk to her about his upcoming meeting with Lu. She was his agent, after all. Satine had asked him why he kept her if he hated calling her, but she was excellent at what she did. She’d got him an in with a major, literary publishing house, for which he was forever grateful. She was just, well Excitable. And Enthusiastic.

He picked up the phone and took a deep breath. He hoped she wouldn’t answer. She did.

“EEEE! Ben! Ben Ben! Bennie!” A voice so high only dogs could here it came out of his phone. It decreased in pitch as it went on. He held the phone away from his ear as she continued in a voluble fashion. 

“You idiot!! I haven’t heard from you in an ice age, you little terror!! Did you finally rise from the dead?”

“Yes, Siri. I was summoned with a pentagram by an unsuspecting mortal,” he replied, a little dry.

“You fucker. I give you everything, make you rise to the stratospheric heights of the publishing world, and then you ignore me. For a very, very long time, Bennie. I’ve never been so hurt or abandoned.” He can imagine her there, tall, athletic, shaking her short platinum hair and stamping her foot. He had the strange ability to collect imperious blonds.

“I’m sorry Siri, dear. I’ve been, um, occupied.”

“Where’s this fourth book, you bloody turkey?”

“Well, that’s the problem. It’s been slow to come and I’m supposed to meet with Lu tomorrow. I’m afraid that she’s going to tell me that they’re done with me.”

“Those fucking walnuts! What have do you have so far?”

“Just a few chapters and they’re terrible. I think I should scrap it and start over in a new direction.”

“All right pumpkin pie, sounds like a plan. We need to drum up some new interest in your books. You haven’t had a reading or signing in ages. You’re running out of any laurels to rest on.”

“Yes, Siri.” The thought of traveling around, attending book signings with eager fans sounded terminally exhausting, but she was right.

“Ok, I’m going to set some up for the coming weeks. We show them interest in the books and you show them some results and we should be golden. Tell little Lulu our plan tomorrow.”

“Yes, Siri.” Best to be obedient.

“Ok. Be prepared to travel. I’ll let you know when I have some dates. I’m so excited!”

He leaned against the wall and slid to the ground, plopping on the hardwood floor. This was going to be painful, but in the adult world, most meaningful things were. 

* * *

 Anakin slumped down into the rolling chair next to an unoccupied computer and went to do some belated charting. Dr. Windu had finally listened to him and came to evaluate his patient, but that had led to fluids and drips and cardioversion and several hours of suffering on his part. He hadn’t eaten before work and his stomach was tying itself in knots while doing backflips and making him regret his life decisions.

“Hey Ani-Sky, you’d better come to the break room.” Ahsoka had trotted over. She’d added white streaks to her blue hair, up in its customary buns. She peered down at him, head cocked to the side, hands on her hips.

“Don’t have time right now, ‘Soka. I’m so behind on charting that I’ll never leave. You’ll find my skeletonized corpse sitting at this computer a few months from now”

“Halloween will be over then, so that won’t work. Just come now. You have to see this. Right now.” She grabbed his hand and started pulling. “Don’t worry, you’ll love it!” She was grinning.

Several other nurses were milling about in the break room, fixated on the table, which was laden with food.

“Skywalker, your boyfriend is the best.” One of them chirped, holding a plate of what looked like tacos.

There was large bouquet of cabbage roses in a variety of pinks and peaches. He felt his face growing increasingly red and picked up the card that was sitting in the bouquet.

-See why I asked about tacos? Miss you- Ben

He put the card in his scrub’s pocket and tried not to giggle with glee. On the table were a variety of fancy tacos from some nice place. There were about 10 different kinds, along with chips and guacamole, about 5 salsas, and some kind of cheese dip. On top of that, there was a box of those fancy cupcakes with lots of frosting.

Ahsoka jumped up and down and then hugged him. “Oh, you found the best one ever!!”

He stood there frozen and blushing and oh so happy. “Yes, I did.” As far as romantic gestures went, this one was definitely grand. 

* * *

 Today was the day. Ben felt like a gladiator about to enter the arena, or in his case, a lunch date with his editor. He’d taken a very long shower, carefully washing anything that could be dirty, dried his hair and styled it. It had grown past the standing on end phase, to his eternal delight. He put on a robe and went into his bedroom. Time to pick out the battle armor.

Satine sat on the bed, brows raised in eager anticipation. She’d laid out several outfit suggestions. They had a mutually beneficial relationship where as he got the best clothing choices and she got herself a semi-cooperative dress up doll.

“Well, chick, I think the middle outfit will be best. The cream colored sweater won’t wash you out too much.”

He nodded and studied the assembled clothes. It included the aforementioned cream V-neck sweater, an ivory with pale brown windowpane button down and light grey wool pants, precisely creased. He dressed himself and turned towards her.

“Well? Trying to embody confidence here, not any sickly indecision.”

“You look wonderful, starling. Don’t make that grim face though. She can probably smell fear.” She hugged him tight, “It will work out no matter what.”

He was meeting Lu at that sort of overpriced restaurant with white tablecloths, often frequented by ladies who lunch. He was trying to maintain outward calm while inwardly panicking. He’d always been prone to nausea when anxious, and his stomach was jumping around like an unmoored ship in a typhoon. He swallowed a few times and approached the table where Lu sat, occupied with her phone until she noticed him.

“Ben, please sit.” Lu smiled at him graciously and waved him into a chair. She was the modicum of demure comportment, wearing a long, black wrap dress, ankles crossed.

He sat, feeling increasingly shaky and lightheaded. Slow your breathing, he thought to himself. He went to take a calming drink of water and nearly knocked the glass over, spilling some onto the tablecloth.

Lu looked at him pointedly and tilted her head, studying him like a rare specimen under a magnifying glass. “Are you well?”

She didn’t know the details of what had gone on in his hiatus, just that there were some ‘personal issues’. He was not doing a very good job of demonstrating competent composure.

“Yes, perfectly.” He replied, schooling his face into its usual charming half-smile. “Just had a bit too much caffeine this morning.”

“Good then. I hope I’m not making you that nervous.”

“Of course not.” Its only basically the life of my (figurative) child on the line here, he thought.

“I know that what I gave you was fairly terrible. I’m going to start over with it and do something a little different.” He was trying for a preemptive strike; giving her a plan before she could dismiss him.

“I’m interested to hear what you have to say, but pick something to eat before we get too involved, I’m quite hungry.”

Fuck. He had about as much desire to eat as he had to gargle mud, but he remembered he was trying to look like a normal, high functioning human. He picked up the menu and ordered the first bland pasta he encountered.

Ordering out of the way, he continued, trying not to be hypnotized by her large, violet eyes, that were, for lack of a better word, luminous. He was afraid she might lull him into a stupor, and then tell him it was all over while his mind was lobotomized.

“I think I’ll have Morgan (his detective) fall in love.”

“Interesting. Not with his nemesis, I hope.”

“Gods no. He’s about to hit rock bottom and will need a little help getting out. It was probably unrealistic to have him dig himself out of his own hole. It’ll be slow and none too graphic. The romance, that is.”

He took a deep breath and drank some more water without spilling it. “I know that you think interest is waning, so I’m having Siri set up some readings and book signings. I’ll have some snippets of the new book to share at them.”

“Sounds promising, Ben. Doing some publicity will be good. To be frank, you’re generally quite charming and pleasant to look at, which your demographic enjoys.” She looked down at her phone for a moment, and then returned to the conversation.

“What you sent me was awful. Not bad writing per say, just uninspired and unoriginal. You’re going to have to get me something more up to your usual quality quite soon, Ben. We have a plan to release this book along with a few others that are similar around the same time.”

Their food came and he pushed his around his plate while she ate. She continued to study him between bites.

“You’re sure that you’re well? This’ll be somewhat aggressive with our deadlines and how little you have written. Maybe we can come up with another plan if this doesn’t work?”

“Yes, just an off day, I suppose.” He ate a few bites to try to project ongoing normalcy.

“If you don’t mind me asking, what happened in the past year or so?”

“It’s a long story, not worth telling.” He was not in the mood for her sympathy; it was a stark reminder that he wasn’t himself, along with his ‘awful’ writing.

“All right. I won’t push you further. I’m glad we have a plan.” She devised some rough word count deadlines for him and they parted ways. He bolted to the restroom once she was gone, nearly fell into a stall, and threw up what little he had eaten. Damn his nervous stomach. It could have been worse, far worse. He washed the clammy sweat off his face and tried to leave the restaurant with head held high.

* * *

 Anakin’s next night at work was quite dull. There were no tacos or cardioversions. His patient’s were all too well for the ICU, understandably demanding and grouchy. He secretly preferred the ones that were too ill to talk. He was too awkward for small talk and the old ladies often flirted shamelessly. Ahsoka was off tonight, adding to the doldrums.

He was idly looking through his patient’s chart when the charge nurse came over towards him.

“Anakin, there’s another delivery for you. In the break room.” She smiled and went back to her business.

He walked into the break room where he was alone. The florescent bulb flickered a little. There was a large bouquet of blood red roses, flawless and long stemmed. He swallowed back a feeling of disquiet. This did not strike him as Ben’s style. He walked slowly towards it as if it might bite him and gingerly grabbed the card with two fingers. His shaking hands opened it. This was not Ben’s hand writing. He would know this handwriting anywhere. It fell to the floor.

He picked it up and reopened it.

-I’ve missed you. Come back to me.

No signature, but he knew who it was from. How had he found him here? The rest of the night passed with flustered, agonizing slowness. On his ride home, he decided he would not be intimidated or let this ruin his new relationship. He’d ignore him and not react, because a reaction was what he craved. Without emotion or a show, he’d get bored and leave Anakin alone. Despite these optimistic thoughts, some darkness crept into the corners of his mind, not fully banished.

Anakin texted Ben later the following morning, trying to get the evenings events out of his head. He discovered, much to his delight that Ben was working in the café today. He wandered downstairs and found him at his usual table, nearly hiding behind the fern.

“Watch out for that plant, I think it’s a portal to Narnia or something.” Anakin said, sitting down beside him.

Ben started and looked up from his work, obviously frazzled, hair standing on end like he’d been tearing his fingers through it. The top buttons of his shirt were undone, his brows drawn down into a frown. His face changed instantly when he saw Anakin.

“You are an oasis in the desert, dear heart. So happy to see you.”

Anakin put his arm around Ben’s shoulders and whispered in his ear “You obviously need a break. Come upstairs with me and join me in my pre-work nap.”

Ben looked away like he might protest, but then closed his computer, packed up his things, and followed him wordlessly up to his apartment.

Once they were inside, he leaned up against Anakin and held him tight.

“I’m not sure I’m in the mood for anything other than an actual nap.” Ben said, voice muffled into Anakin’s shoulder.

Anakin pushed him away gently and cupped the side of his face, then led him to his bedroom. Where they stripped down to undershirts and shorts and climbed into bed then snuggled partially under the duvet.

“What’s the matter? You seemed more stressed than usual,” Anakin asked. He’d laid his head on Ben’s stomach, and Ben was stroking his hair, just like Anakin wanted. He wasn’t sure what that said about himself, but he liked to be petted, more specifically by Ben’s clever hands.

“Just a lot of work to do is all. They’re setting up some book signings for me. I also deleted almost everything I’ve written so far on my book and am starting down a slightly different path.”

“Where will these book signings be?”

“Don’t know yet. Probably on the other side of the country. I hate business travelling. I became a writer so I could work like a hermit.”

Anakin felt unexpected anger rising up in his chest. Maybe it was his encounter last night that was making him worked up. He didn’t want Ben to work to hard and most importantly he didn’t want anything that would take Ben away from him. He hated the idea of Ben travelling. It seemed like the last thing he needed.

Ben must have felt Anakin tense up. “What’s wrong?”

“Should you be traveling all over the place? With all sorts of germy people and snotty, crying kids?”

“I’m not an invalid, Anakin. I do want to write this book and have it published.”

“Ok. But I’m not going to let you work too hard.” He rolled off and cozied up next to him.

“Mmmm” was Ben’s reply. He was already dozing. His skin was pleasantly warm under his thin tee shirt. Anakin let all his worries go, set his alarm, and went to sleep.

On his way to work, Anakin gave Ben a key, and they developed a sort of pattern. On Anakin’s work days, Ben would write in the café until the late afternoon, then come upstairs to nap with him before he left for work. Anakin learned that one of the best things in the world was waking up to a warm and sleepy Ben, who was especially cuddly in his half awake state.

“I have to invite you to something.” Anakin said, one afternoon, as they lay in bed.

“Have to?”

“Yes. My dad and his friends have this crazy bonfire on one of their farms outside of town. I’m pretty sure it involves mood altering substances and camping after. He desperately wants you to come. He asks me about it every day.”

“Um, Ok… When is it? I’ve never been camping.” Ben looks at him warily.

“Saturday. I’ll bring all the camping stuff. You just bring very warm clothes.”

“Very warm. Got it. Well dear, it sounds like an adventure.” The apprehensive look that he continued to sport demonstrated that he was probably about as enthusiastic about this adventure as a hobbit.

“The fall fair is kind of close by the farm. It has rides and animals and food and crafts and stuff. We could go first. Have you been there?”

“Not to that one, no. My nanny Helga took me to a fair once. She forced me on the pony rides. These weren’t your sweet little ponies; these were nasty, bitey, flea-ridden hell spawn. As long as you don’t make me ride a pony, I’d love to go. “

“I thought all you fancy English people liked horses? Didn’t you grow up a fancy English person?”

“I missed out on that gene, much to my grandfather’s great disappointment. I like horses for petting and feeding apples. Anything else is foolish.”

“Well, no ponies then. Your nanny was really named Helga? Um, what was she like?

She was lovely. She just thought that all young children should love ponies. She never made me do it again, especially after I got so upset that I threw up my toffee apple on her.”

Anakin snorted. “I’ll bet you were cute, well, before the puking part.”

“Don’t think so. I was a know-it-all brat, really. Also scrawny, knobby-kneed, and my hair stuck up.”

“So, not much has changed.”

Ben smacked his arm, then leaned in to a hug. “No, not really.”

"You'll go then?" Anakin asked.

"For you, of course."

Anakin pushed any thoughts of the roses out of his head. There was no need to worry Ben about it; he had enough on his plate. They had the weekend to look forward to, and he guessed it would be memorable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!! 
> 
> Let me know what you think. I love your feedback!!
> 
> Thanks to picavenger 14 for your read through and helpful thoughts!
> 
> darthplodder on tumblr if you want to say hi. Ok.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a longer chapter, but I didn't have the heart to break it up.   
> Warning for a brief description of drug use and some silly stubborn behavior.

Anakin came home from work Friday morning terminally exhausted and completely done. He was sick of wiping butts, being yelled at, arguing with the lab, and constant beeping. Empathy and patience were a finite substance, and his needed some time to refill. He groaned as he plopped down at his kitchen table, setting his mail on top of it. This was the life he’d chosen, but he wasn’t sad about being off for the next few nights. 

He should eat and go nap for a while, but he was so tired he just sat there and stared for a minute. He idly sorted through his mail revealing the usual credit card applications, bills, and random fliers. A cream envelope stuck out from the rest, made of some expensive paper. It sparked something unpleasant in his memory. He felt suddenly cold. Opening it, he pulled out thick, fine-grained cardstock, on which someone had written in fountain pen in a neat, elegant script. 

Anakin,

I know you wanted a change, but we were meant for each other. Don’t you see it? There’s no one else for me. We could travel, see the world. You’d no longer need to work at that horrible job. Please don’t leave me in darkness.

-S

He shuddered and threw it back on the table and then studied the envelope again. There was no stamp, no return address or postmark. He hugged his arms around himself to try to stop the shaking. What could he do? There was no threat, no mention of harm. The police wouldn’t do anything. Anakin had deleted his number and had no way of contacting him other than through his agency in LA and no one would put him through to the boss. If anyone asked, he would smile charmingly and deny it all. 

Anakin got up and closed all the blinds. The door was locked; he slid the dead bolt over for good measure. The sound of his bare feet slapping against the floor was strangely loud. He went into his bedroom, took off his clothes, and hid under the covers. He’d never actually hurt Anakin, there had just always been some undercurrent of fear in their so-called relationship, and a power differential not built on mutual respect. He was too exhausted to do anything about it right now. Uneasy sleep took him.

Anakin awoke to a text notification. The sound sent him jumping off the bed, phone falling to the floor. He reluctantly picked it up.

-What should I bring tomorrow? I know you said nothing but I feel inadequate. 

Thank gods it was Ben. Anakin felt his insides thaw. His hands stopped shaking. 

-Just warm clothes and any personal stuff. Can you bring a sleeping bag? I only have one.

-I’ll borrow one from Quinn

-Good

-Anything else?

-No

-Really? What about rope? People in the wilderness always seem to want rope.

-Are you planning on tying someone up?

-Kinky, but no. 

\- ☺ No rope. Pick you up at 4:00. Please get some rest before. You’ll need some energy. 

-Cheeky! See you then.

Anakin packed up his tent and a sleeping bag and air mattresses, setting all the equipment by the door. As day turned to night, he felt increasingly uneasy. Anakin tried watch some TV, but was too restless to focus. Every noise or sound made him startle. This was getting ridiculous. He didn’t want to bother Ben, who was working on his writing and should really get some rest tonight. At least the next best option for comfort was across the hall. 

He unlocked the door, looked both ways down the empty hall, and entered his dad’s apartment. It was blissfully warm, lit with candles, and smelt of cardamom and cinnamon. His dad was sitting on his mediation mat, wearing his usual silk pajamas and robe, hair up in a bun. Lolly and Peaches were sitting next to him, holding court. 

“Why the long face, Pigeon?”

“Can I stay here tonight?” 

“Of course.” Qui got up and walked over to the couch, beckoning Anakin to come over to sit by him. 

“What’s the matter? You’re my independent grown up pigeon. You don’t normally need me.”

“That’s not true. I’m just uneasy. Out of sorts, I guess.” 

“Something with our dear, wee Ben?” 

“No, nothing with him. Dad, I kind of dated this older guy when I lived in LA. Mainly in the first 5 years. He got me my modeling jobs.” 

“Ok.”

“Even after I broke things off, he always wanted us to be together again, was always trying to get me to come back to him. It got kind of creepy.”

Something changed in his dad’s face. His eyes became like blue lasers under furrowed brows, with a look that could crush diamonds and shatter steel. 

“Did he hurt you in any way?”

“No, Dad. No. He just creeped me out.” 

“Was he one of the reasons you left?”

“Only a small part of it. Well, Dad, he started contacting me again. Sent me roses at work and had someone put a card in my mail box.” 

Their mailboxes were in a small foyer through the back door of the building, but outside of the locked door to their apartments. 

“Have you told him to stop?”

“No, I deleted his number. I could probably contact him at his agency, but I doubt he’d answer. He’s not threatened me or done anything illegal, so it’s not like I could tell the police or something. Its not illegal to send flowers.”

“You give me the name of this agency, and I’ll send him a piece of my mind.”

“Dad, don’t do anything crazy.”

“I won’t. I’m putting a camera out in the entryway, though. If he does anything else, you tell me.” 

He got up and headed towards the kitchen. “I’ll make the popcorn you like and then we’ll watch the Sound of Music. Just like old times.” 

Anakin smiled and wrapped a blanket around himself. He felt safe, but couldn’t really sleep that night. What bits of sleep he did get were filled with odd fragmented dreams of dark corners and leering stares. 

The following afternoon, it was time to pick up Ben. No more mail or unusual packages or gifts came. He pulled up outside Ben’s house around 4:00 and watched him come out to Anakin’s jeep carrying a small, leather satchel and a white box. 

Ben climbed into the passenger side and leaned over to kiss Anakin on the cheek. He turned toward Ben and…

“What happened to your face?” Anakin asked, startled. 

It was almost as if a different person had got into his car; Ben’s distant relation who had inherited his distinctive auburn hair.

Ben blushed a little and rubbed his jaw. “I shaved. I suppose I should have warned you. Siri, my agent, thought it was best and I wanted to give myself some time to get used to it.” He looked down and grinned, uncharacteristically shy.

“Do you hate it? It’ll grow back quickly, never fear.” 

Anakin studied the dimples in his cheeks and the surprising one on his chin, touching it with his thumb. He leaned over and kissed it, causing Ben to blush charmingly. He looked 10 years younger and delightfully impish. 

“I don’t hate it at all.” 

Ben studied him for a moment and brushed Anakin’s cheek with his fingers. 

“You look exhausted, darling. Are you well?”

“Just a long few days at work and some annoying insomnia,” Anakin replied.

“Are you sure your up for this? We could just cuddle on my couch, light a fire and eat pizza and candy till we’re sick, then maybe have some sex, watch some movies, and then have pancakes.” 

“I see you’ve given this some thought. Are you scared?”

“I don’t like being dirty or cold, Anakin. Not at all,” Ben said, drawing his brows together in a thoughtful frown. 

“I think you’re part cat. It’ll be ok. You’ll have fun. We can have lots of snacks at the fair.”

“As long as there are snacks, I’ll allow myself to be dragged along.” Ben buckled his seat belt and crossed his arms around his chest. 

If Anakin hadn’t been distracted by other unpleasant things and the lack of beard, he would have noticed that Ben was ill prepared. He was wearing his usual lightweight cashmere sweater with a blazer over it (complete with elbow patches) and expensive looking dark washed jeans. He had on short leather boots that appeared unused and unscuffed with exactly no water staining. Across his lap was a dove grey wool pea coat, likely Burberry or something like that. Anakin would have noticed that he looked more like he was going to give lecture on early Victorian poets rather than go to a fair and camping, but he didn’t. 

They drove a little less than an hour to the county fair, which was near the farmland they were camping on. Fall was just starting to fade, brown starting to edge its way into the riotous reds, yellows, and oranges of its glory. 

They arrived at the fair, a bustling place with some rides, games, animals, lots of food, and a corn maze. The smell of popcorn and caramel with a vague hint of barnyard wafted through air filled with the giddy undercurrent of excitement and silly pleasures. It was a sweet, quaint fair filled with children and lovers and exasperated parents who’d ran out of ride tickets. 

“What do you want to do first?” Anakin asked, eyeing the rides and games to pick out a choice few. Ben was clearly staring off in the other direction, looking at the food tents with the wistful, far-off look of a pining teen. 

“Eat, of course. Whatever you do, don’t tell Satine. She’ll probably make me eat kale and parsley with a side of mustard greens for the next month in retaliation.” 

“Sometimes I can’t tell if she loves you or hates you.”

“Oh, she’s convinced that if I eat a strict vegan diet, I’ll not get sick again. All it does is entice me to be on the biscuits-I-hide-from-Satine diet. There’s a secret stash.” 

Anakin had the sudden image of Ben hiding in a closet with a box of cookies, clutching them to his chest. 

“What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her. I wouldn’t quit writing mysteries and start writing diet books though,” Anakin replied. 

“Aren’t you hungry?” Ben asked as he systematically and methodically reviewed the various culinary options. Culinary was probably too highbrow a word for what was offered. 

Anakin had been vaguely queasy all day. His stomach roiled at the thought of eating, especially greasy food. “Nah, I’ll just get a drink.” 

Anakin bought a coke with the hopes of settling his stomach and watched Ben eat with amused fascination. 

He managed to neatly and demurely eat a corndog, a pretzel, cheese curds, and cotton candy, in that order. As Ben ate, Anakin intermittently studied the crowd. He still had the odd sensation he was being watched or followed. He distractedly tapped his foot and watched Ben unravel his cotton candy. 

“Anakin, it’s not nice to stare at people while they indulge their gluttony,” Ben remarked, tilting his head like a bird. 

He got up from the picnic table they were sitting at to throw away the ravages of his meal, rubbing his likely very full belly.

“Isn’t that what things like this are for? Indulging?” Anakin mused. 

“Of course! Not for you though… We all can’t be willowy model types.”

Ben leaned towards him and studied his face closely. ”You look awfully pale, Anakin. Are you sure you’re all right?”

“I’m ok. Maybe I’m coming down with something.” 

“I hope not,” Ben rubbed his arm. “What do you want to do next? Your turn to pick.” 

“Lets go on a ride.” Anakin was immune to motion sickness, and it’d be a fun distraction. 

“One of those death traps? You’re not serious.”

“They’re so fun! They do safety checks and stuff. Please?!” Anakin tried to make his best sad puppy face. It was usually unstoppable. 

“Anakin….”

“Just one.”

Ben crossed his arms and sighed. “Fine. I’ll go on a ride if you can win me one of those giant stuffed animals. Maybe a cat… a tiger. Only a tiger will do.”

“Deal.” 

They wandered over to the midway and Anakin went on the very important quest of finding both a game he could win combined with one that had a giant tiger as a prize. He dragged a bemused Ben along beside him. His eyes spotted the idea game, the milk bottle toss. There, amidst stuffed minions, pink gorillas, a monkey, and a giant banana, there was a tiger. 

“There’s one. He’s a magnificent beast.” Ben rubbed his hands together in glee. 

“My dad taught me how to win at these games. They’re all rigged. The bottles are weighted and you have to hit them low and hard.”

Ben smirked. “Low and hard, hmmm? Sounds like a good Saturday night.” 

They watched as the two sorry souls in front of them lost miserably, aiming for the middle of the pyramid of milk bottles. The bottles didn’t budge. Anakin wondered if he had chosen an impossible task. 

Ben noticed his worry and looked on at him in pity. “Even If you don’t win, I’ll still go on a ride with you.”

“I made a promise. I’m going to win,” Anakin replied, with grim determination.

He gave the attendant his tickets and stepped up the metaphorical plate, ready to deliver. He was given 2 balls. The first ball barely rattled the bottles. Fuck. He had one more ball. This was his moment. He took a deep breath and threw harder with a bit of spin on the ball. The bottles clattered over with majestic slowness, a perfect moment caught in time. Ben had given him an impossible task and he had won. He threw his arms in the air and hollered as Ben clapped in a dignified way, like he was an old lady at a golf match. 

“Really, that’s all I get? A clap.” 

Ben raised his eyebrow and ran at him, throwing his arms around Anakin’s waist and picked him up off the ground all while yelling meaningless platitudes at a very high volume. People stared. Anakin stumbled and caught himself after he was put down and backed away slowly like one does with a wild animal. Ben continued to jump up and down, screaming. Anakin was slowly realizing that he had no shame. 

“Ahem.” The flustered looking attendant looked at them pointedly, thankfully ruining the moment.

“You have to pick a prize, sir. People are waiting,” the attendant said, tapping his foot, toothpick in mouth. 

“The tiger,” Anakin said, face red as a turnip. 

It was passed to Anakin who handed it to a grinning, pink-cheeked Ben. He promptly slung it over his shoulder and walked away proudly. 

“Was that enthusiastic enough for you?” Ben asked, giggling with false innocence. 

Anakin punched him in the tiger. 

“Alright, my champion. Choose your ride.” Ben looked on in grim determination. 

“Fine. The zipper.” Anakin said, pointing to the tumbling, spinning metal contraption. Ben grimly followed him into the line, now strangely silent. 

They were next in line. Ben gave the ride a two-fingered wave.   
“We who are about to die salute you,” Ben solemnly stated and followed Anakin into the little car. 

They were latched in and the thing let out a mechanical groan and then started with a unnerving lurch. Anakin yelled with glee as the ride spun and tumbled while Ben gripped the bar with white-knuckled terror. When it stopped, he could barely release his hands from their death grip. Anakin practically dragged him out as he clutched his tiger and tried to walk forward in a dazed stumble.

“Only for you, Anakin. Only for you,” Ben kept repeating, shaking his head, eyes glazed, face white, clearly the victim of some unspeakable horror. 

“Lets go in the corn maze, and then we should head over to the farm.” Anakin recommended, rubbing Ben’s arm. 

They dropped the tiger off in the Jeep, and headed towards the maze. Dusk was starting to fall, and the wind had picked up. A flock of crows wheeled and dove in the light of the setting sun. Many people, especially those with young children, had left. There weren’t many going into the maze at this hour. 

Anakin’s strange sense of disquiet had returned. He kept imagining the rustling of the dry corn was the sound of things creeping through its stalks. Ben seemed to notice his discomfort and smiled up at him, taking Anakin’s cold hand in his warm, soft one. They meandered a bit, trying to find the pumpkin patch at the center.   
It was a cool night, and the damp ground squished as they walked. Ben was talking on about something, but Anakin couldn’t follow him. Every noise and snap made him turn his head. He was startled from his distraction by the sound of Ben’s phone. 

“Just a moment, Anakin. I should answer this.”

He nodded and kept walking with a strange, dogged purpose, like he’d find the answers to his unanswerable questions at the center of this labyrinth. He seemed to walk on for too long, and could no longer hear Ben’s voice. Ben should have caught up to him by now. Should he turn left or right?

The wind blew past him and cold snuck into the layers of this close. Corn stalks rubbed together in an eerie chorus. Torches left strange, leering shadows. He felt his heart pound and breath quicken. The last violet light of day was quickly leaving the sky. Where was Ben? His sleep-deprived mind came up with the most irrational thoughts, that someone had taken Ben and he was alone with no help or comfort. A twig snapped and cracked behind him. 

“Anakin?” 

He startled violently and rapidly turned, ready to fight, but there was no need. 

Ben turned his head and looked at him quizzically, then came and hugged him from behind, rubbing his stomach. 

“You’re shaking a little. Are you cold?” Ben let him go and grabbed his hands, trying to warm them up between his own. 

“A little. I’ve got a warmer jacket in the car.”

“I’m kind of worried about you. You’ve been awfully quiet. Are you sure there’s nothing wrong? Maybe I’m boring you?” Ben asked, smiling. He’d let Anakin’s hands go and now was brushing his hair off his forehead. 

Anakin melted a little bit. He’d probably been a terrible date. 

“You are a lot of things, but not boring. Just tired is all. This place is creepy,” Anakin replied. 

“Let’s get out of here then?” 

“Yeah, we should go meet my dad at the farmland.” 

Ben wrapped his arm around Anakin’s waist and walked close beside him in protective solidarity. Anakin leaned against him and accepted his unspoken comfort. He couldn’t help but walk quickly though, and Ben followed pace. 

By the time they got back to the jeep, they were both shivering a little. The temperature was dropping as the sun had gone below the horizon. 

They headed down strange dirt roads in the dark, until the headlights illuminated a run down barn and dilapidated farmhouse in the distance, eerie and obviously unoccupied. 

“It’s just past this, I think. We should see the fire,” Anakin said. 

“Are you sure you’re not taking me out here as a sacrifice to some kind of pagan god? This seems, um, remote.” Ben replied, as the jeep bumped down a narrow dirt path. Anakin pinched his thigh in response. 

They drove on and there, on the top of a low hill, they could see a large fire burning. The Jeep’s headlights showed them a winding path up to the area of the fire. A few other vehicles were parked in a clearing. 

Anakin brought the Jeep to a halt beside the other cars. He then noticed how little Ben had brought and hated himself for not noticing earlier. All Ben had was a tiny bag, an haute couture wool coat, and a random box. Definitely no sleeping bag. Anakin was tired. It was cold. He was out of patience. 

“You can’t wear that ridiculous coat out here in the mud and the smoke. It must have cost a thousand dollars.” 

“It’s my fall coat.” Ben stated, as if that explained everything. 

“Its fucking cold and you’re going to get dirty. And no sleeping bag. Are you fucking kidding me?” Anakin yelled, in angry frustration. He’d bottled too many things up. 

Anakin immediately regretted what he’d said. Ben looked hurt, cheeks obviously flushed in the dim dome light of the Jeep. 

“Anakin, I’m sorry that I forgot the sleeping bag, and I really don’t ever camp. Are you sure you’re ok? Am I really annoying you that much?”

Anakin banged his fists hard against the dash, startling Ben, who was looking at him with wide questioning eyes. What was wrong with him? Here he was alienating the best thing in his life in a long while.

“Shit,” was all Anakin could say.

Ben studied him warily. Anakin hoped that he wasn’t afraid of him. But no, Ben reached over and rubbed his back for a minute as Anakin took a few deep breaths. 

“I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have lost my temper there. I’m tired is all. Work was terrible this week and I’m out of patience,” he said, rubbing his eyes.

“We’ll figure it out. You’re going to have to wear my emergency parka that’s in the back. I’m not letting you out of the car in that coat,” Anakin told Ben, in no uncertain terms. 

“All right. Should I be scared?”

“Yup, it’s orange, from the 80s, and probably smells.” 

Anakin got out for a second and went around to the back of the car, retrieving the offending parka, a black beanie, and some gloves of soft stained leather. The brief interlude in the biting night air helped him to literally cool off. He got back in the driver’s seat and handed them to Ben and passed him a flashlight as well. 

“Put these on and grab your stuff. What’s in the box?” 

“Pie, isn’t it pretty?” Ben said, opening the box. 

The thing inside the box was not pie; it was art. Some kind of fruit substance was covered by an intricate latticework of crust complete with leaves and flowers. 

Anakin started to laugh with a hint of hysteria creeping in. Who brought a fancy pie to a bonfire/camp out with a bunch of hippies? Ben was so ridiculous and so sweet. He leaned across and kissed a startled Ben, who initially went rigid, but then relaxed a little. He even tasted sweet, still of cotton candy. 

Ben put on his gear and they carried their belonging and camping equipment up the hill, in the light of Ben’s flashlight. The ground was muddy and soft and soon it would freeze. The moon hung in the sky, large and orange, casting some needed light from the cloudless sky. 

The orange parka had likely originally belonged to Anakin’s dad. Given that fact, it was very large. Ben was wearing it a bit like a dress over his cashmere sweater with the black beanie in his pocket. They reached the top of the hill, where a large bonfire blazed. Shadowy figures milled around it. One was exceptionally tall. 

“There you two are! It’s about time.” Anakin’s dad came up to them and hugged Anakin and then pulled Ben into a bear hug, spinning him around a few times. Anakin noticed that his dad’s eyes were a bit wide and glazed, pupils dilated. He had heard rumors of the supposed ‘moonshine’ that they were expected to take part in. 

“I’m keeping your adorable little ginger muffin with me right now. He needs a drink. Go set up the tent and come back.” Qui winked at Anakin and then ruffled a bewildered looking Ben’s hair, throwing his arm around his shoulder.

“Look at you in that coat. Come on, come on, puff-pumpkin, lets go,” Qui commanded, leading Ben away. Ben turned back and gave Anakin a questioning look. Anakin mouthed ‘I’m sorry’ and shrugged. 

Anakin relit his flashlight and wandered down the path to the clearing with the other tents. He set up his own tent, a little two-person model. It was a good thing that it was cold and that he liked Ben because it was tiny. ‘Two person’ was certainly optimistic on the manufacturer’s part.

He inflated the air mattresses and stared at the one sleeping bag. They’d have to unzip it and use it as a blanket, followed by aggressive cuddling. The methodical action of setting up camp was calming. He was in a better state of mind when he walked back to the fire. 

Anakin found Ben surrounded by a circle of people, sipping from a flask, obviously regaling them with some compelling story telling. The group stared at him in rapt fascination. If anything, Ben was a very capable flirt. Anakin felt a twinge of jealousy. 

A man was standing beside Ben, dressed in what looked like a Regency sea captain’s coat, and was petting his head. A woman in a corseted dress with a cape and lace up boots was leaning against him, stroking his arm and whispering something in his ear. Ben seemed amused, and unfazed by the whole thing. Anakin had better start drinking. 

“Anakin! There you are! Look at how pretty you are! Isn’t he pretty?” Ben’s voice sounded a bit off, his pupils were gigantic in his pale grey eyes. He giggled and leaned against coat man, who clearly didn’t mind. Anakin did. 

Anakin walked over and pulled the still giggling Ben against him, throwing a possessive arm around him. 

“Oh, hello my pretty, pretty thing. Have some of this,” Ben said. He pulled Anakin into a kiss and then passed him the flask. 

The light of the fire created odd angles on Ben’s face, making him look young and wide eyed with hair like flame. Anakin wanted nothing more at that moment then to possess him and be himself wholly possessed. Nothing more than that. Everything else could burn. 

Anakin took a long drink of the substance. It scalded all the way down leaving him with a slightly scorched sensation. A few minutes later he knew two things. One was that there was alcohol involved and that it was very strong. The second was that there was something more than alcohol in it. He knew that his dad wouldn’t give him something dangerous or that showed up on drug tests. A few minutes after that, he really didn’t care. 

A strange kind of band started to play what sounded like an Irish jig. The players were illuminated by a few torches and looked otherworldly, like something from the fairy court. It was possible that the devil was on the fiddle. The music reeled and galloped to a rowdy, rollicking rhythm. Anakin wasn’t entirely sure what was real. People around them started to dance, whooping and hollering as they spun. He grabbed Ben and joined in the dance. 

They circled round the fire and the dance went on for what seemed like hours, people spinning in and out, faces distorted by the flickering orange light. Sometimes he would lose Ben in the rush of bodies, but he’d always find him again. At some point, he was pretty sure that they ate the fancy pie with their hands and shared it with a few strangers. Reality was certainly distorted.

The moon rose higher in the sky. Whatever was in the drink seemed to wear off. He noticed Ben was leaning against him, clearly exhausted, subtly trembling. The skin of his face felt soft and cold. Anakin shook himself back into reality. 

“Lets go bundle up in the tent.” 

“Ok.” Ben mumbled. 

They stumbled away from the fire to the tents and Anakin found theirs. 

“It’s really, really cold. We’re just going to have to sleep in our clothes. Put on your hat,” Anakin instructed. 

“I suppose there’s no heater?” Ben looked downtrodden and pulled the beanie on his head. 

“No.” Anakin was more than a little worried they would both freeze. 

There wasn’t enough gas to run the jeep all night and he was too drunk and stoned to drive them home. Ben wasn’t in a better state. They clambered into the tent and pushed the air mattresses together. The ground was very cold. They laid the sleeping bag and orange puffy coat over them and wrapped up in each other’s arms. Ben held him close, nuzzling his neck, his breath warm down Anakin’s back. They slowly unthawed. 

Anakin woke up with the dawn’s light. Ben was still snuggled beside him, sleeping, with breath slightly snuffling. Anakin reached his hands under Ben’s sweater and felt his warm belly. It contracted under his fingers and Ben sighed, but didn’t wake up. Moving just that little bit made Anakin intensely aware that he felt horrible.  
His head pounded and waves of nausea were passing through him, giving him the cold sweats. He bolted out of the tent and then vomited a few times onto the frost-covered grass. 

The commotion must have woken up Ben, who poked his head of the tent. 

“Just sick is all,” Anakin told him. 

“No surprise, did you eat anything yesterday?” Ben asked, cocking his eyebrow. 

“Like you should lecture anyone about that,” was Anakin’s retort, and he crawled back into the tent. He could feel beads of sweat dripping down his forehead as he shook. 

“Fuck, Anakin, you look awful. Let’s get you home. I’ll drive.”

Anakin couldn’t agree more. “Can you? Drive I mean?”

“Of course! I have a license and everything.” 

They bundled back up and Ben helped him pack everything up. Anakin felt impossibly cold and sick. Ben got them into the Jeep and cranked up the heat to sauna-like temperatures. 

Ben was capable of driving, albeit very slowly with both hands firmly on the wheel, like an elderly drivers’ ED teacher. He followed every rule of the road in a way Anakin never thought possible. As sick as he felt, he really didn’t mind. 

“I’m taking you to my house. We’ll get you feeling better,” Ben said, rubbing his thigh. Despite the oppressive heat, Anakin still felt cold. He nodded in agreement. 

Ben took him to his house and spoiled him, divulging of his wet clothes and drawing him a hot bath full of fragrant bubbles in the claw foot tub. He rubbed Anakin’s shoulders and told him stories about comforting nonsense in a soft, low voice. He gave him sips of ice-cold ginger ale, and then made him lay down on his comfortable bed. Ben closed the blinds and it was pleasingly dark. 

Anakin was finally warm and his nausea was passing. He drowsed. He’d have to tell Ben about this stalker situation when Ben got back from his first book signing. He left in the morning tomorrow, and Anakin didn’t want him to be worried or distracted. They would figure out what to do and nothing would stand in the way of their deepening relationship. With that thought, he drifted off to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to picavenger14 for your help!
> 
> Let me know what you think!! 
> 
> @darthplodder on tumblr, say hi if you'd like.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate to say it, but we're getting on the angst train for the next few chapters. Don't worry fluff fans, there's still enough to go around or so I hope.

Ben was patiently, well actually impatiently, waiting for Satine to pick him up to take him to the airport. He had to admit that he was one of those odd people that had to arrive early and get settled in or else he would fret. How else does one find time to buy snacks and magazines and go to the bathroom? His first book signing was in San Francisco. Why did it have to be so far away? He sighed and tidied up any iota of mess that he could find in the sitting room and living room to calm his nerves.

While straightening out one of the bookshelves, he found the framed picture of himself and Cody from their vacation to Bali about five years ago. He smiled at it fondly while thinking that it wasn’t the best thing to display anymore. He’d find some safe place to put it away. He took it upstairs to his bedroom and set it on the dresser, wondering where to put it. There were some boxes of Cody’s things in the closet he could add it to. That’s what he would do. As he was about to dig them out, Satine arrived and he ran down to meet her, picture forgotten.

* * *

 Ben had been gone for two days on an impromptu book signing, and Anakin was restless and filled with unease. When he had gone home after camping, it seemed as if things had been subtly moved about his apartment. He didn’t remember leaving a pair of gloves on the kitchen chair, or one of his notebooks on the couch. Some of his mail was on the floor. Had he knocked it off the table before he left? He couldn’t remember. He was probably just being paranoid. The air felt strangely cold and he double-checked the deadbolt.

He wished Ben were with him, his presence was nearly always warm and comforting. Anakin felt guilty about the camping trip; he’d been an ass and Ben had done nothing but try to please him. He was also worried about him traveling and completely wearing himself out. Anakin shouldn’t have dragged him along camping when he had this coming up. He was an idiot and would have to do better, make it up to him somehow.

Ben would occasionally send cryptic texts such as ‘this cab smells of bubblegum and heartbreak’ or ‘Siri has styled her hair like a porcupine’, but he never really admitted how he was doing, or how things were going. Anakin was finding that Ben was an expert at dancing around the truth. When they’d talked that night before Anakin left for work, Anakin could hear the catch of exhaustion in his voice. Instead of talking about that, he had blithely described the sushi he’d had with Siri, tiredness evident in between descriptions of sashimi.

Anakin picked him up from the airport in the afternoon. He had to admit that he’d missed him and was thrilled to hop out of the jeep and give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. Ben leaned into him and made a contented little sigh. Unfortunately, airport security did not allow for further romantic interludes, so Anakin opened the door while Ben flung his luggage in the back and slumped into the Jeep.  
Sometimes, like this past weekend, Anakin could forget that Ben had been so sick; his energetic self had been shining through. This was not one of those moments. He looked a bit drawn and grey, but he turned and kissed Anakin on the cheek and gave him a dimpled smile.

“Hello you lovely thing. Sometimes I forget how pretty you are,” Ben said, as he reached over and touched Anakin’s lips.

Anakin blushed and looked down, fumbling with the key in the ignition. “You’re being silly.”

Ben grinned more widely, if possible, and seemed to take that as a challenge. “You’re like a shining oasis in this desert of suffering. Airports are designed for maximal misery and oppression.”

Anakin shook his head, cheeks hot and gave his thigh a squeeze. He put the Jeep into gear and headed out. “How did it go?”

“Well enough, I suppose. Decent turnout for such short notice. I think my face is frozen in a handsome yet approachable smile.”

“Could be worse, right?”

“Yes, what’s worse is my hand cramp from signing books. We sold quite a few. Lu will be relieved, I hope.” Ben said, frowning slightly, voice more husky.

They arrived at Ben’s house and Anakin shepherded him inside. Ben plopped his bags on the floor near the stairs and hung up his coat.

“Come sit with me a minute?” Ben asked, moving towards the living room. Anakin sat on the couch and pulled Ben down beside him. He tucked his legs under him and leaned against Anakin’s chest, wiggled a little like a settling cat, then stilled. He immediately started softly snoring.

Bemused, Anakin wished he had been in a more comfortable position if he was going to serve as a human pillow, but it was good Ben was resting. He grabbed the remote and watched some mindless TV.

3 episodes of Law and Order later, Ben had still not moved. Anakin tried wiggling a little and saying his name, and nothing. His arm was numb, his butt hurt, and his stomach was growling like a wild animal. Just like the last time this happened, Anakin was sure that Ben had very little that was edible in his house. Anakin was more than a little worried about how dead tired he was. It wasn’t even 6 pm.

He gave Ben a solid shake. This caused him to grumble, stretch out a bit, and more solidly drape himself over Anakin like an awkward, bony blanket.

“Wake up!”

“No, sleepy. Warm,” Ben grumbled, without opening his eyes.

“I can’t sit still any more,” Anakin stated as he firmly but gently manhandled Ben off his lap. Once he was sitting upright, Ben shook his head and blinked at him dazedly.

“Time is it?”

“Around 6. Time to eat.”

“Mmmm. Time for bed.”

Ben closed his eyes again and curled up on the other end of the couch. Anakin crawled over him, pushed up his sweater, and tickled him mercilessly. That got Ben to open his eyes and try to squirm away, but Anakin had him firmly trapped. Anakin stopped his tickling and patted his belly gently.

“Eat first, then bed. You can’t go to bed at 6 pm.”

“Why not?”

“Are you elderly?”

“Well, you’re the one seducing the aged.” Ben reached up and caressed his face fondly.

“You were laying on me for so long it was painful. My ass hurts from sitting in one place for so long.”

“Oh Anakin, I’m sorry. Have I given you bedsores on your tender bottom?”

Anakin laughed and then retaliated by lying directly on top of him. “Mm, so comfortable. Think I’ll lay here for a few hours.” He wiggled around for show.

Anakin could hear Ben’s muffled laughter and felt it against his shoulder.

“Gerr off” was the mumbled reply and Anakin rolled off him to standing and walked out to the kitchen. The refrigerator was in its usual barren state. All it held was a sad, lone container of coconut milk yoghurt and some wilted carrots.

“I wish I could be surprised, but all you have to eat are carrots.” The weird yoghurt didn’t even bear mentioning.

“I happen to be fond of carrots,” Ben replied, shrugging his shoulders.

“Well, I’m fond of you, but you worry me sometimes.”

“There’s nothing to be worried about.”

Anakin studied the lines and shadows of fatigue on his face. I think there’s plenty, he thought to himself.

“How do you survive?” Anakin asked. It was likely an unanswerable question, like the mysteries of the sphinx.

“Satine and take out.” Ben got up and walked out to the kitchen, then returned with a stack of menus. “Take your pick.”

They ate some salty, delicious Chinese food and Anakin left Ben around 10:00 to go cover part of a shift at the hospital. Ben, standing there in just his shorts and his button down, gave him a breathless kiss before he left. He’d never regretted going to work more.

* * *

Looking back on it, Anakin would come to think that this was about the time that things started to fall apart. In the future, he would reflect on it and come to realize that it was mainly his fault, but it didn’t seem like it at the time. This was when he’d begin his downward spiral into foolishness and despair.

His first night at work was unremarkable. The second was terrible. They were understaffed, the ICU was full, and the patients were misbehaving. It was such frantic chaos that people were moving around in some kind of Brownian motion, bumping off of each other frenetically, while not really accomplishing anything.

In the middle of this dumpster fire, there was another delivery, more horrible than the first. A bouquet of fresh peonies (who finds peonies in the fall) and a box of some kind of European chocolates were sitting on the break room table. The card was blank, but contained an old picture of himself, walking on a runway. On the back was written ‘Remember this? The After party? I do’. Filled with anger, he crumpled it in a ball and threw it away. The rest he left for the other nurses to enjoy. At least someone would get something out of it.

When he got home from work, he knew what he had to do. He had deleted the contact, but he wondered if he still had the number in his phone. Anakin sat down at the kitchen table and scrolled through his call log until he found a few that looked right. The first one he called was a hair salon but he was successful on the second attempt.

“Anakin! So glad to hear from you. Do you like your gifts?” His pleasant, even voice made Anakin’s guts clench in remembered revulsion.

Anakin tried to stay calm, tried to not let his voice shake.

“They’re nice, but I don’t want them. I don’t want anything from you. What we had is over. I have a new life here.”

“Oh Anakin, any life with me would be far better than what you have there. You’re certainly not too old to continue modeling. I have a few excellent contracts for you; you still appear to be in shape. Please remember what I did for you.”

“I don’t want that. Just leave me alone.” He tried not to scream or angry cry.

He didn’t seem at all phased by Anakin’s plea, but continued on in his pleasant, well-modulated voice, a diplomat’s voice.

“I don’t want much from you, dear boy. Just accept the things I give you, enjoy them for now. I may need an escort to a few modest events. I doubt your new man would mind; he seems like the open-minded sort. Do you have a thing for redheads? Such a pity that he was recently so ill. Health shouldn’t be taken for granted. I hear he’s a writer? I hope he has no trouble publishing his next book. All that work for nothing. That would be such a pity.”

He paused. “Think about that, dear boy,” and hung up.

Anakin was angry, seeing red and wanting to throw things angry. He was also frustrated and tired, but mainly angry. He was at a loss of what to do. His dad would tell him to call the police, but there was no true threat. What, was he supposed to call them and say ‘hello officer, someone has been sending me expensive gifts and not really threatening anyone but kind of threatening.’ He was sure they’d put it as a top priority.

He knew he’d invited Ben over for dinner tonight, but part of him was thinking it was a Bad Idea, especially in his state of mind. What he should do is go for a long workout, drink some beer, and watch a movie alone, but he’d promised Ben lasagna, which he seemed to love with the fervency usually reserved for saints and star-crossed lovers. Plus, he wanted to see his face and maybe (though he was embarrassed to admit) be cuddled and be safe in Ben’s arms for a while.

Anakin made the mistake of drinking half of one of the bottles of wine he’d bought to have with dinner, even before Ben got there. He was just slightly tipsy and hoped it wouldn’t be too obvious. With his past life of partying, he could hold his liquor for the most part.

When Ben got there, Anakin had little restraint. He practically ran at him before he’d taken off his coat and squeezed him tight then kissed him hard, tasting his toothpaste with a slight hint of tea. He stuck his face into Ben’s clean, soft hair and breathed in the comforting smell of him.

“Hello. Feeling quite enthusiastic, are we?” Ben asked, smiling and brushing off the arms of his coat after Anakin let him go.

“I missed you, is all.”

“Well, here I am. I got a hint of wine from that kiss. I hope you have some to share.”

He wandered towards the kitchen, and Anakin guided him to sit on one of the chairs.

“Something smells delightful” Ben remarked.

Anakin brought him a glass of wine and went back to the kitchen counter to fuss with plates. He felt even more awkward then usual tonight.

Ben was watching him, studying his face. “Are you all right Anakin?

“Yes, everything’s fine,” Anakin snapped back, probably with a little too much force behind it. He hadn’t slept after working the previous night and had tried to fortify himself with energy drinks followed by the wine. He felt jittery and uneasy, uncomfortable in his skin. Fuck, he couldn’t tell Ben. What if Sheev retaliated? The thought of someone hurting Ben on his accord made him feel sick.

“Well, I’m quite hungry. I’m looking forward to what you’ve made.” Ben looked up at him expectantly. He couldn’t quite bring himself to make words. What would normal people say? The silence stretched on for several excruciating seconds.

“Well, the weather was quite lovely today though the leaves are nearly gone. What did you do today?” Ben asked.

Anakin stared at him, still lost in thought. He blinked a few times. Think! Think!

“Anakin, am I boring you? If you don’t say something I’m going to keep dithering on, which I’ve been told is annoying.” Ben looked down and studied his fingernails.

Anakin shook himself out of his stupor and walked over towards where he was sitting. “I wouldn’t kiss you like that if you were annoying.” He brushed his hand over the thin skin at the nape of his neck, soft and vulnerable. He tilted Ben’s face up and leaned down to kiss him again.

“I’m just not in a talking mood, is all. Work was terrible. I like listening to you talk though.”

“You may regret it, but I’ll do all the talking for us then.” Ben smiled and squeezed his hand.

“How’s your writing going?” Anakin asked. There, there was a good question.

Apparently, it was going well. This allowed Ben to carry the conversation throughout dinner easily. Anakin could listen to his lovely voice read refrigerator repair manuals or tax forms and be thoroughly engrossed, so it was no issue.

They took their wine and moved to the couch after dinner. Ben was definitely tipsy at this point and Anakin was likely way beyond tipsy. Anakin lit a bunch of candles and turned off the rest of the lights.

“What’s in those?” Ben asked as they sat together on the couch, indulging in some lazy foreplay. He’d spied a stack of notebooks by the base of the couch. In the dim light, he looked charming, his translucent fair skin was given a warm cast, and hair glowed like copper.

“My drawings. I’ll show you if you like.”

“Yes!! I would like.”

Anakin picked up the top one and opened it. They looked at a landscape, a portrait of Qui-Gon, and a drawing of Peaches the cat.

“Anakin, these are wonderful. You’re quite good.” Ben rubbed his arm and leaned closer.

The next was a picture of Ben he’d drawn after watching him write for a while. It was in profile and he was looking down, as if he were studying something intently. Ben studied it for a moment. Anakin wondered if he would hate it.

“Oh Anakin, that’s me! You’ve must have caught my good side because you’ve made me so handsome.”

Anakin had never seen anything like him, sitting there in the candlelight, so warm and appreciative. Ben was his and fuck anyone who tried to threaten him. He felt an overwhelming surge of some nameless emotion that rattled his frayed nerves.

“Its beautiful because you’re beautiful.” Anakin paused and brushed his hair off his forehead.

“You’re beautiful and I love you.” Fuck. The words had fallen out of his mouth like they had a life of their own. What had he said? He was drunk off wine and no sleep and fuck.

Ben looked at him and it was obvious he was at a loss for words. Anakin could practically see the gears in his head turning. Anakin dreaded him opening his mouth.

“Anakin, I…”

Anakin interrupted him before he could say anything further. “You don’t have to reply. Don’t say anything.” It was a mistake, and too soon, and they should have talked about it first, not after a bunch of wine. He’d tried so hard to not scare Ben off, especially with his past. “Don’t answer.”

“Anakin, what…”

Anakin put his hand over Ben’s mouth. “Just don’t say anything. You’re not ready for that and I shouldn’t have said it.”

Ben drew his brows together in a furrow, but obeyed. He stared up at Anakin questioningly, not breaking eye contact.

“We’ll have to talk about this.” Ben said emphatically once Anakin released him, determination in his voice.

“Yes, but not now. I’m drunk and I didn’t sleep today and work was a bitch, and I missed you when you were gone. I don’t know what I’m saying or what end is up right now.” Anakin hoped that made sense.

“You do seem a bit off, darling. I’m trying not to worry,” Ben replied, rubbing his shoulders.

Anakin thought maybe the best tactic was distraction. He also needed to burn off this restless energy.

“Talking’s not going to work right now, so let’s do something else, “ Anakin said, watching with interest as Ben raised an eyebrow at him suggestively.

He pushed Ben down onto the couch and pushed his arms over his head, pinning him down and held him there for a minute.

“I see what kind of distraction you have in mind. A bit rough, hmm.”

“Yes.” Anakin replied, biting at his ear.

“I like that,” was Ben’s breathy response and he startled Anakin by pushing him off the couch and straddling him on the floor, pulling off his shirt and whispering obscenities in his ear. The rest of the evening passed with some of the most vigorous sex Anakin had enjoyed in a long while. They started there on the floor and then spent some time against the wall and then in bed. They ended up shuddering and panting on the bed, thoroughly distracted from the earlier mishaps.

After all was done, Anakin was laying in bed, staring at the ceiling. Ben lay beside him, clearly asleep on his belly, with his arms thrown over his head. He could see the obvious outlines of bruises on his hipbones. Anakin pulled the blanket over him and walked out to the living room, sitting on couch. He was too tired to sleep. He wished he could turn back time and not have drank all that wine and not have blurted out those stupid words and then fucked like nothing had happened. He felt wholly unsettled.

In the morning, they sat at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and tea. They were both tired and muzzy and neither had much to say. Ben kept trying to initiate a conversation about the events of the night, but Anakin kept deflecting him and trying to distract him with blueberry scones from the café. He was too afraid to know the truth. Thankfully, the ultimate distraction came in the form the door buzzer.

Anakin went out and saw the UPS delivery person at the door, with a large package. He signed for it and took it upstairs with a sense of dread. Unfortunately, there was no way to hide it from Ben.

“Ooh, Anakin, what’s that?” He asked, rubbing his hands together like a kid at Christmas.

Great holy fuck. He’d have to open it now. He grabbed a knife and opened the box to reveal another box, navy blue and tied with a ribbon. He pulled it out and reluctantly untied the ribbon.

Thank the sweet gods of mercy that there was no note. Inside was a beautiful grey men’s suit. Anakin didn’t need to try it on to know that it would be perfectly tailored to his proportions.

Ben picked up the jacket, “Anakin, this is Gucci. It’s absolutely lovely. Who sent it?”

Fuckity fucking fuck. What to tell him? “Well, one of my old modeling friends sometimes sends me some cast offs of things they let him keep. We’re about the same size.” Anakin felt his heart racing. He felt sick. He walked slowly to the bathroom and wet his face with cold water and then walked back out.

“Are you sure there’s not something wrong?” Ben asked.

Anakin hated the concern in his face. He couldn’t let anything happen to Ben.

“No, it’s just a suit.”

Anakin was done with any meaningful conversations for the rest of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to picavenger14 for the beta read! Any issues are my own. And yes, I've increased it to a suspected 15 chapters. I think that's what it will take to finish this beast.
> 
> I hope that you enjoyed! Thanks so much to everyone who's read this, subscribed, or left kudos or comments. It continues to amaze me :D
> 
> Let me know what you think!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some time off work means more time to write, so here's another chapter!
> 
> There will be some angst, but I promise a fluffy ending
> 
> Enjoy!

-You need to go rescue your boyfriend. He’s having a manic writing fit. This is Satine BTW.

Anakin blinked and stared at his phone for a minute. He’d been at work the past three nights and texting Ben intermittently, but they’d had no real conversations since the night of the awkward confession. He’d been planning on giving him a call now that he was off. He didn’t feel overly well, though he had tried to work out to convince himself otherwise. He wasn’t sleeping much and his dreams were filled with nightmares he couldn’t quite remember but left him waking up gasping. His appetite was non-existent, which was unusual for him. He knew he’d have to try to pull it together.

-Manic writing fit? Anakin replied.

-Yes. Happens periodically. Does nothing but write frantically. Generally has to be bodily removed from his environment to take a rest.

-Sounds bad

-It is. You’re a strong young man and the task now falls to you. Go.

Anakin showered, changed his clothes, picked up a take and bake pizza, some beer, and some cupcakes from the café (strawberry) and headed over to Ben’s house. He was glad his metabolism hadn’t failed him yet, but he really hadn’t eaten much lately, so it probably wouldn’t matter.

He got there and knocked, no answer. The front door was open and lights were on. He wandered in calling out Ben’s name and trying to make lots of noise so he didn’t startle him. He set his loot down in the kitchen and made his way towards his office. The house felt cold, like he’d forgot to turn up the heat.

The office door was open a crack, and he called Ben’s name as he walked in. Ben was staring at his computer intently, brows furrowed and lips pursed. Anakin was always a bit disturbed by disheveled Ben, given that he was almost always so put together.

His hair was on end, thick stubble along his jaw, dark ringed eyes, wearing an ancient, paint-stained sweatshirt advertising the local university’s soccer team that was fraying at the cuffs. Multiple mugs were strewn about his desk in various states of fullness. He looked up at Anakin with utter confusion, like he was seeing a human being for the first time.

“Oh, hello Anakin. Have you been here long?” Ben blinked, dazedly.

“No. Not long. It’s time for a break.”

“Just need to finish this chapter. It’s giving me some trouble.” Ben went back to peering at his computer with the glazed-over stare of the utterly done and depleted.

“Has it been days since you got up from that chair?”

“I’ve got up to go to the bathroom and make tea and get snacks. So there.” He ran his hand through his already untidy hair, making it stand up in spikes.

Anakin approached slowly like he was approaching a wild animal. “Come on. It will be there after you’ve rested.”

“Just a little bit more. Then I’ll take a break.” He looked like he was wilting in his chair and took a gulp of what looked like cold tea.

“No, now.” Anakin pushed Ben’s chair away from the computer and put himself between Ben and the damned thing to hopefully break the compulsion.

“Come on. You look terrible and you smell worse. Shower then dinner then rest. You can sleep on me for a while. You like that.”

Ben pouted, not moving. Anakin reached under his arms and bodily stood him up, but he wouldn’t budge. Finally, Anakin leaned over and hoisted Ben over his shoulder, managing not to fall over. Thank God for all the deadlifts and squats he did.

Ben squawked indignantly and lightly smacked his back. “Ok, Ok, I’ll obey. Put me down before you break something or yourself.

“Satine told me that I’d have to physically remove you from your desk, so I’m just obeying her orders,” Anakin replied, setting him back on his feet.

“Well,” said Ben, brushing off his jeans, “That was a lovely view of your ass. Do I really smell?”

“A bit. Go shower. I’ll get food ready.”

“Damn Satine,” Ben muttered, as he headed up the stairs.

He came back down in 20 minutes, his usual tidy self, smelling of shampoo and whatever expensive soap he used. He met Anakin in the kitchen and folded him into a hug, then studied his face.

“You look as terrible as I do if not worse, dear heart. Are you well? Have you been taking care of yourself?”

“Stop that. You’re the mess not me.” Anakin said jokingly.

Ben raised his eyebrows. “I see, so only one of us can be a mess at a time? Is that how it works? I should be the one taking care of you right now.” He gently rubbed his thumb against Anakin’s cheekbone. Anakin leaned against him, letting Ben support him for a minute. It felt nice.

“I suppose we can take care of each other.” Anakin buried his face against the crook of his neck.

“Yes, that’s about right,” Ben replied, rubbing circles on his back.

They took the pizza out of the oven and cut it up, taking it out to the living room to eat. Anakin grabbed a couple of beers and they ate in relative silence; neither of them had realized how hungry they were. They were both too full from pizza to have any cupcakes.

They took everything back out to the kitchen and then sat back on the couch.

“What was going on with you the other night?” Ben asked.

Anakin should have known this was coming. He just couldn’t. No. Not now.

“Drunken exhaustion. Lets just pretend that didn’t happen. Please. I was drunk. Let’s just watch a movie and not think about anything for a while.”

Ben rubbed this thigh and looked at him thoughtfully. “I won’t say no to that, but I just want you to know that I care about you deeply, dearest one. You mean everything to me.”

Ben opened up his arms and beckoned Anakin to move closer. “Now come here and cuddle, you poor lost lamb. You can nap on me this time.”

Anakin laid his head in Ben’s lap and rested there as Ben stroked his fingers through his hair. He tried to be at peace, but all he could think off were Sheev’s idle threats. The pizza sat like lead in his stomach. He couldn’t pay any attention to whatever movie they were watching and if someone had asked him later what it was, he wouldn’t have been able to answer. He felt so tired he was drunk, yet filled with this strange, restless energy.

After the movie, Anakin stood up to stretch and Ben pulled him down into his lap so that Anakin was straddling his thighs and started to kiss his neck, stubble rasping against the sensitive skin. Anakin shuddered. He knew that sex was probably a bad idea in his state, but didn’t really care.

“Lets go upstairs,” Anakin suggested. Maybe if he had a good fuck he’d be able to sleep and everything would look better in the morning. Maybe.

They ran upstairs and settled into the rhythms of sex that suited them best. Unfortunately, a series of ill-fated events occurred. Anakin was on top of Ben who was lying on his belly on the bed, cursing creatively with great enthusiasm. It was all very stimulating until Anakin looked up at the dresser on the other side of the room.

Sitting there, small and incriminating, was the picture of Ben and Cody that he’d looked at many weeks ago. It had been hidden before. Now it was on some kind of display on his dresser. Ben must be able to see it clearly from his bed.

Anakin may have been able to overlook that on a good day, but the next unfortunate event pushed him over the edge. Ben, in his over stimulated state, yelled out a name. It wasn’t Anakin’s.

Anakin immediately stopped what he was doing and leapt off the bed, erection rapidly deflating. Ben rolled over and sat up, looking horrified.

“He’s still there.” Anakin pointed to the dresser, where the picture of Cody and Ben was looking down at him.

“That wasn’t there before. How can you move on when he’s watching us? Are you imagining him when we fuck?”

“Of course not! Anakin, I’m sorry. I was with him for 10 years. Its habit is all. 10 years.” Ben paused, took a deep breath and pleaded, “We’re both very tired. Please, lets forget this.”

Anakin rubbed his face and looked up at the ceiling. “I can’t do this.” He was shaking, angry and desolate tears running down his face. His thoughts were terribly disorganized. He couldn’t make sense of anything. He just needed to leave.

Anakin fumbled around for his clothes, dressing clumsily while trying to run out the door. Ben stood there stricken for a minute and then followed him, sheet wrapped around his waist.

“Anakin, you’re everything to me right now. I need you. Please don’t do this.” Ben’s voice was breaking and cracking as his was.

“I have to go.” He started making his way down the hallway, pulling up his pants.

He could see that picture of Cody in his head while hearing Sheev’s voice as he vaguely threatened the bereft man standing in front of him. “I don’t think I can do this anymore. I don’t think so. I can’t think.”

“You don’t mean this. I know it. Something’s wrong. Something is going on with you.” Ben was still pleading. He was right.

“I have to go.” Anakin yelled as he ran out the door and got into his Jeep. As he drove off, he noticed Ben was watching him in the doorway, sheet still wrapped around him. He looked small and forlorn.

Anakin felt at the same time both empty and overflowing with grief. What had he done? He pulled over on some random street and leaned against the dashboard and sobbed. It was dark, but he didn’t care if anyone saw him. He felt broken.

Maybe he should just go back to LA and forget any of this had happened. He could be a lobotomized doll and smile blankly, looking pretty on someone’s arm. He kept seeing Ben standing there in the doorway, and he felt broken.

If he ended this, he’d never have to worry that Ben would never truly love him. Also, Ben would be safe. He could publish his book and wouldn’t be under any threat. He’d lived through worse. He’d be ok.

Anakin found whatever alcohol he had and drank it until he passed out drunk and woke the next day in pure agony. At least physical pain distracted him from the mental. He lay in bed, staring at the ceiling for the rest of the day and spent the night in a similar fashion to the last.

During this time, he ignored his phone. He ignored everything. His dad had pounded on the deadlocked door at some point.

“Pigeon, there’s nothing so terrible that can’t be fixed. Come out when you’re ready,” he yelled through the door and then also pushed through a card with a hand drawn cactus with a smiley face. Anakin couldn’t bear talking to him right now.

The next day was spent on the couch, the TV blaring meaninglessly. At some point, he fell asleep. Anakin woke up from his unplanned nap to see his phone light up with messages.

-Darling, you broke him. You break, you fix.

It was Satine. He stared at his phone. The texts kept rolling in.

-Don’t you ignore me.

-I will come for you and you won’t like it.

-He won’t even eat those pink cake monstrosities that you left. This will not be tolerated.

-I will find you.

-You know that he thinks he’s strong but he can’t handle this physically. If you make him sick I will maim you.

-If I do not hear from you or something is not done in 24 hours to fix this travesty, I am coming for you.

Anakin threw his phone on the ground. He felt physically ill with the thought that he’d hurt Ben, but what did he expect? Of course Ben was hurting. He’d looked utterly devastated. He knew and understood now that Ben would never stop loving Cody, but that didn’t mean that he couldn’t love someone else. If Anakin wanted him, he’d have to get over it, and he would have to be honest. About everything. He’d been such an idiot.

Anakin lay on the couch, immobile. He’d fucked up so badly. He’d only had to work one night this week, and he called in. He couldn’t do it. Ahsoka had tried calling him, but he couldn’t bring himself to answer her.

* * *

Ben had spent the first day wondering how he could be so stupid to take a chance on a relationship after everything that had happened to him. This thought turned into anger for a while, and then blessed clarity. He couldn’t spend the rest of his life mourning the past. It was over.

Ben sat on his own couch, feeling a sudden fit of determination. Satine had finally left him, convinced that he wasn’t going to drown himself in his own tears or something equally horrible. He wasn’t going to give up this easily. Anakin wouldn’t answer his phone, so he’d reach him in a different way. He showered and shaved and made himself presentable, steeling himself to the challenge.

It was late and the weather was terrible. The wind was howling mournfully, rattling the windows with malicious glee. Sleet turning to snow was falling down from the sky as if the gods were mocking him. He went out to the back garden and filled the pockets of his pants with decorative rocks, then got into his car and drove over to Anakin’s building.

Hunched against the wind, he made his way around to the back of the building. The wet, heavy snow was already soaking his hair and running down the neck of his sweater. Of course, in his haste, he’d forgotten a coat or gloves. It was very cold. He did the obvious thing and tried the buzzer a few times, nothing. The light was on, so there was a good chance Anakin was home. Ben reached into his damp pocket and pulled out some of the stones.

Now, he had a good eye and good aim, but he hoped that Anakin would hear him through the wind. He tried to pick moments when the wind died down, then would throw rocks at his window. That’s what they did in the movies, right? He’d fucking show Anakin romance. His hands were beginning to get numb.

Ben got hopeful when the door opened, but it wasn’t Anakin, it was Qui-Gon.

“Hi there, Romeo. You’re throwing rocks at the wrong window.” He was wearing a bathrobe, but at least had the wherewithal to put on winter boots and a stocking hat with a pompom.

He walked over to Ben and pointed him at the right window. “He’s in there. Give me some of those. I’ll help.”

Ben put his frozen, stiff fingers into his pocket and gave him some stones. They both started to throw. He was soaking wet now and trying not to shiver violently. He hoped Anakin’s dad didn’t also die of hypothermia. That would not be romantic.

They stood there and threw rocks for what seemed like an eternity when the window opened and Anakin stuck his head out.

“Hi pigeon, you’d best let us in, we’re awfully cold out here. I forgot my key.” Qui-Gon yelled, then shrugged and threw up his hands.

* * *

Anakin was mooning about on his couch when he heard a strange rattling sound, like something was hitting the window. He was about 2 stories up, so he wasn’t sure what it could be. He tried to ignore it, but it kept going on. It seemed a bit too purposeful to be the wind.

Fine. He got up and opened the window and was welcomed by the unusual and unlikely sight of his father and Ben standing out there looking pitiful, covered in wet snow. What, were they throwing rocks? His heart melted a little bit. His dad could survive anything, but he couldn’t leave Ben out there like that. He felt touched and amazed that anyone would stand out in the snow to get his attention, especially someone who he treated so horribly.

His heart melted more when he pulled Ben inside and got a good look at him. He was soaking wet and shivering violently, lips blue. Snowflakes were endearingly stuck to his eyelashes. Faint freckles stood out along his cheekbones, made visible by his icy pallor.

Through the chattering of his teeth Ben stated, “You wouldn’t answer the phone.” It took him a while to get all that out.

“Come on you absolutely wonderful idiot, lets get you inside,” Anakin told him and pulled him into his apartment. Anakin couldn’t get him back to then lose him to hypothermia. He pulled Ben into the bathroom after he cranked up the thermostat.

“We have to get these wet things off,” Anakin firmly stated. He knew people didn’t actually get sick from being cold, but it was a lot of stress that his body didn’t need.

Ben was able to get his sweater off, but then stood there shaking and fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. “Hands don’t work,” Ben said, through the clacking of his teeth.

Anakin undid the buttons of his shirt and pants and undressed him like an oversized, trembling child. Once the wet things were removed, he gently dried off his hair and body with a towel, and then dressed him in the fleece robe he used on really cold days.

“Come and lay under the covers. I’m going to get you something warm to drink,” Anakin told him.

He guided Ben over to the bed and tucked him in. “I’ll be right back.”

Anakin didn’t have tea, but he had some instant hot chocolate. He made a cup of that and brought it into the bedroom. Anakin sat Ben up and helped him drink it.

“I know its not tea, but it’s warm.”

Ben drank it obediently and he slowly stopped shaking. His eyes seemed dark as slate tonight, and he kept giving Anakin the saddest, most questioning looks. Anakin set the mug down and pulled him into his arms. His hands and feet were still ice.

“I’m so sorry, Anakin.”

“You’ve nothing to apologize for. I’ve been an idiot. I just got lost for a while and confused. I know I’m not that young, but I’ve never really felt for anyone the way I feel about you. I was scared and overwhelmed,” Anakin said, resting his head on Ben’s shoulder.

“Oh dear one, just tell me when you’re scared. Let’s not get lost again,” Ben said, snuggling in to Anakin’s arms.

Finally warm and content, they were both overcome by overwhelming exhaustion and fell asleep wrapped in each other’s arms. As Anakin drifted off to sleep, he knew he’d have to tell Ben about Sheev at some point, but now was not the time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again to the wonderful picavenger14 for beta reading this for me! 
> 
> Some more angst to come, Sheev of course, will rear his ugly head at some point, how could he not? 
> 
> I really appreciate all of you; thanks so much for reading!
> 
> @darthplodder on tumblr if you want to say hi.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for minor medical descriptions with some blood. Nothing graphic.
> 
> The usual angst and fluff...

“Get in the car, snow bunting. It’s fucking freezing.”

Ben obeyed and threw his bags in the back of Satine’s Lexus SUV (hybrid of course) then quickly threw himself into the passenger seat. It was a bitter and blustery day. Satine liked her interior temperature somewhere between ‘heat wave in Phoenix’ and ‘oven on broil, but right now it felt wonderful. Anakin was working, so lovely Satine had agreed to be his airport pick up service.

“Snow bunting?”

“It’s winter if you haven’t noticed, love. I need winter bird names for my dear little bird.”

“That makes me sound like a preschooler, not the paragon of rugged masculinity that I am,” Ben replied, trying to keep a straight face.

“Hmmm. I plead the fifth,” Satine replied, then turned to him and gave him the best hug she could while in the car.

“I’ve missed you so much! I never see you anymore.” She studied his face with a furrowed brow, patting his cheek.

“I’m right where I always am. You’ve let me be independent for a while now. I approve,” Ben replied as they drove off.

“I’m not sure that I approve. You look terrible tonight. Totally worn out. You’d better rest tomorrow,” Satine said, her face set in firm lines.

“I’m hurt, ‘Teeny. I’ll have a lovely sleep tonight and be bright eyed in the morning; you’ll see.”

“I don’t like you gallivanting all over the country. You have to tell Siri and Lu if it’s too much.”

Ben sighed audibly. Why was everyone convinced that he was made of glass or something? As a professional writer, he did actually have to try to get books sold. He didn’t quite have the money to be a gentleman of leisure yet.

“You just don’t like it when I’m too far from you,” Ben said, poking her side. Satine groaned.

“You sound exactly like Anakin. How do I attract such a collection of mother hens?” Ben said as she snorted at him.

“Oh, dear robin, I don’t know, but you’d be lost without us. Speaking of Anakin, I’m glad that things are smoothed over.”

“Yeah, they’re better, but there’s still something upsetting him. I wish he’d just tell me, or I think it’ll cause more problems,” Ben said, with a small huff of frustration.

He was generally a calm person, or at least tried to be, but he was reaching the end of his rope with this. Things would be so much simpler if Anakin would just talk. What in god’s green earth could be so horrible?

“Have you asked him?” Satine gave him a pointed look, then directed her gaze back to the road.

“Of course I have! He just blames work. I don’t know ‘Teen. I worry if it’s something about me that’s just not working,” Ben said.

“I don’t think so… No. He loves you, pet. He’s had plenty of opportunities to be rid of your charming yet problematic self,” Satine said as she left the freeway, distracted for a minute.

“Do you want me to stay over tonight? Padme won’t mind,” Satine continued, her standard overbearing concern creeping into her voice.

“No, I’m fine. I’m just going to go straight to bed,” Ben said.

Ben wanted nothing more than to be horizontal right now, in his own environment and not be forced into any further human interactions for the evening.

“That’d better be a promise. No writing. No,” Satine said.

She shook her head firmly and gave him a hard poke in the arm as emphasis. They’d now arrived outside of his house, and Satine got out of the car and gave him a rib crushing hug.

“Now go and get your bony ass inside. We’ll talk later.” She stood there, hands on her hips, watching him unlock the door and gave him a pointed look as he closed it.

Ben rolled his eyes at her and made his way into his cold, empty house. He felt the need to turn on all the lights and poke around for a minute, making sure he was alone. Something was unsettling about how the wind was rattling the window frames tonight; the old house was creaking and groaning.

He took a quick shower and then slumped into bed. As he started to doze, the reflection of something in the moonlight caught his eye. The fucking picture.

Ben sat straight up, now unpleasantly awake. Great, glorious fuck he better put that thing away before any more catastrophes occurred. Heavens forbid he forget it again.

He turned on the light by his bed and went to peer into his closet. The box containing some of Cody’s things was high up on the top shelf, and he couldn’t reach it. Why had they built such a tall, fucking closet? He looked longingly back at his bed. Just a few more minutes, he promised it and himself.

Muttering, he went down to the basement and collected the step ladder and set it at the base of the closet then climbed up to put the blasted thing away. Unfortunately, it was a little too far to the left. He leaned and reached on his tip toes, which was a very bad idea in a dimly lit room when one was near terminally exhausted.

The next thing he knew he was laying on the floor of the closet, underneath his clothes. Holy flying fuck, he was such an idiot. No wonder Anakin and Satine wouldn’t leave him alone. He tried to get up, but this was unfortunately limited by profound dizziness and a sharp pain in his left shoulder. He lay back down for a minute and felt his head. It was wet and sticky. Ugh.

He crawled in an undignified fashion over to his bedside table and then lay there on the rug by the bed for a minute, stomach roiling with nausea. After a few minutes, he was able to reach up and grab his phone, calling the first number there.

“I can’t talk right now. Not really supposed to have my phone,” Anakin answered.

“Ugh... Fell I think,” Ben said.

He felt something hot dripping down the side of his head and stared at it, mildly perplexed.

“Bleeding.”

“What!?! What happened? Where are you?” Anakin asked, panic evident in his voice.

“Fell. At home,” Ben said, his mind still a little foggy.

“I’m calling an ambulance,” Anakin said.

That horrible word caused Ben to come all the way back to reality. “No. No!! Please no. Just need to lay down for a minute,” he said.

“It sounds bad. I’m getting you help,” Anakin said firmly.

Ben lay there for a second and tried to come up with something that would convince Anakin not to go through with that horrible plan. “Anakin, I’m ok. I was just a bit dazed at first. Look. My speech is perfectly clear, is it not? Shall I recite love poetry in French? ‘Tant que je vive, ma coeur ne changera’…”

“What? No. I’m calling my dad. He can get the key from my apartment. He’ll be over soon. Just stay where you are,” Anakin said.

“Yes, sir nurse,” Ben replied, sheepishly.

It’s not like he had much of a choice. His head and shoulder ached miserably. He pulled the blanket off the bed and lay there on the rug like some kind of Victorian maiden with the vapors. He tried very hard not to feel sorry for himself.

After a short while, he heard the sound of a very tall person coming down the hallway.

“There you are. I keep finding you on the floor,” Qui said.

His unique personage was wearing an outfit which strode the lines of fashion and eccentricity and included a black and white buffalo check sport coat over a green tee shirt with an owl on it. The ensemble also included maroon jeans and a grey stocking cap.

Ben tried to smile, but it made his head hurt. Qui came over and crouched beside him.

“You got your head pretty good there,” Qui said, a slight frown marring his strong features.

“I hope you’re not too attached to this rug. It looks like you made a demon sacrifice on it. Does your neck and back hurt?” Qui asked.

“No, just my head and shoulder.”

Qui rummaged around in his dresser and got a towel from the bathroom.

“We’ll have to go the hospital and get that looked at. Here’s some clothes that don’t look to priceless. You’re a little underdressed at the moment.”

Ben had not been planning on entertaining guests, so he was unfortunately wearing just his shorts. Why did these things happen to him?

“Must I? I think I’ll be all right,” Ben said, as he managed to bring himself to the sitting position. The room spun as badly as when Anakin forced him onto the zipper ride at the fair.

“Anakin would not forgive me if I left you to hemorrhage. You at least need some stiches there or your brains might fall out,” Qui said, chuckling at his own dad joke.

“Will you check if there’s a picture frame on the floor in the closet before we go? Please, it’s important,” Ben asked.

Qui looked at him quizzically, raising a brow, but walked into the closet. He reemerged holding the thing. It had survived its fall miraculously unscathed. How ironic.

“Can you put it in the far-left box on the top shelf, please,” Ben asked. It had to be gone before Anakin came back.

“Be glad to, but then we’re leaving,” Qui said.

He’d handed Ben the clothes he’d collected, some track pants and one of Cody’s old sweatshirts that he’d not been able to get rid of, and Ben dutifully put them on with only moderate struggle. They headed off to the ER in the VW bus.

After being thoroughly fussed over and having his head stapled up, he was able to leave with ‘adult supervision’, that is Qui-Gon. Qui had somehow magically forced Anakin not to come down to the ER and hover, which was probably for the best. Ben would have to learn these tricks in the future.

He supposed he could have called Satine to have her come retrieve him, but that would have prompted nuclear meltdown, and she’d never leave him alone again.

His clavicle was cracked on the left and they gave him a sling ‘for comfort’ and told him it would heal on its own. Weary and concussed, he was at this point ready to lay down anywhere which could include a rat-infested alley or airport tarmac as long as he could sleep for a while. He allowed Qui to put him to bed in the spare bedroom like a docile lamb.

* * *

While he was at work, Anakin’s dad had texted him and tried to tell him not to worry, but he was worried. He gave the oncoming nurse a crap shift report, drove home like a maniac, and ran up to his dad’s apartment.

With his weird sixth sense, Qui had anticipated Anakin and came out into the hallway, shutting the door behind him.

“No pigeon. No. You go sleep. Don’t try to fool me that you’ve been sleeping much lately. Your wee ginger is fine and sound asleep. You aren’t to wake him,” Qui said, his large presence physically blocking the door.

Anakin doubted he could take his dad in a fight, even if he fought dirty. He backed down.

“Come back after you’ve had a nap. He’s a bit banged up, but he’ll be himself in no time,” Qui said.

“Let me just look at him. Then I’ll go away,” Anakin begged.

“Fine, but very quietly,” was the reply.

Anakin tiptoed in and poked his head in the guest bedroom. Ben had the blanked pulled nearly over the top of his head. All Anakin could see was his hair. He was doing the not quite snoring but soft snuffling he did when he was truly exhausted. Anakin relaxed a little and made the heroic effort to not crawl into bed with him and spoon up behind him.

Anakin left and went across the hall to his own place. After throwing his stuff down and showering, he lay and bed and tried to force himself to relax. Ben was safe. His dad would take care of him and no one would hurt him right now. Someone could have, though. He wouldn’t put it past Sheev. Well, no one, including the Navy Seals or Secret Service would get through Qui-Gon for now. He fell into restless sleep.

He did manage to sleep for about 4 hours, which was a miracle given the recent state of affairs. He lay in bed and thought for a minute. Sheev had called him yesterday and made a proposition.

“Anakin, dear boy, I hope you received the suit and that it fits you well. I see that your writer has a book signing in New York in a few weeks. Well, I’ve purchased you an airline seat beside him. How romantic for you. While he is at his event, you can escort me to a gala at the Met. Please wear the suit provided. You can go back to his hotel afterwards. That’s all I expect of you. Think of how well his book signing will go if you travel with him, and if you comply with me. He doesn’t even need to know. I’ll send you the information.”

“I’m not sleeping with you,” Anakin had replied.

“There’s no need. I just want you on my arm. I hardly think that’s too much to ask. Tell your writer that you’re going with a friend. Your man is under so much stress, I hate to cause him anymore.”

That had been it. What choice did Anakin have? He was so worried about someone hurting Ben. Fuck, he was already hurt. He shook with impotent rage. What could he do?

Sick of stewing on this and needing to see Ben, he headed back over to his dad’s apartment. Ben was laying on the couch, appearing to be asleep. His dad was watching something with rapt attention.

“Shh, Pigeon. We’re watching Beauty and the Beast. It’s the transformation scene.”

Anakin tried not to snort. His dad paused the movie and Anakin followed him out into the kitchen.

“Is he ok?”

“Of course, pigeon, just achy and a bit sick, but the medicine’s helping,” Qui said.

“Is he taking any fluids because I stole an IV bag from work.” Anakin had put it all in a paper bag and held it furtively under his arm.

“Pigeon, you have to calm yourself. Soup and ginger-ale and tea. He’s fine. Go see,” Qui said and set about puttering around the kitchen.

Anakin walked back out to the living room and sat on the couch beside Ben who must have been dozing. He slowly sat up beside Anakin and put his right arm around him, pulling Anakin against his good side.

“Here, we can do a one-armed hug. You look horrible, Anakin. Get that worried look off your face, I’m fine. More embarrassed than anything,” Ben said, smiling softly.

Anakin reached out to touch his face. He was bruised around his left temple and Anakin felt the hard metal of the staples through his soft hair. Ben hissed a little when he touched the sensitive skin.

“You’re sure that you just fell? No one hurt you?” Anakin couldn’t help but ask.

“Anakin, what a question. I fell off a step ladder reaching too far. Why would anyone want to hurt me? I’m afraid my life is quite dull and villain free at this point,” Ben said.

“Sorry, just making sure.” Anakin acknowledged that he was being increasingly paranoid. He had to keep Ben safe.

“Will you take me home? Your father is lovely, but I just want to be home,” Ben asked.

“All right, but I’m going to stay with you. Give me a minute to get my stuff.”

Ben raised an eyebrow and smirked at him. “How long do you plan on staying?”

Forever. Never mind that, but it was a good question. “As long as I need to,” Anakin replied.

“I see. Aren’t I supposed to ask you to move in? Isn’t that how it works?” Ben said, making a theatrically stern face, then breaking into a smile, squeezing his thigh.

Anakin grimaced and turned partially away, feeling rather uncomfortable.

“Of course, you can, dear heart,” Ben said.

Anakin tried to justify his impolite invitation. “You have a broken arm. You’ll need me.”

“It’s just a clavicle. But if it’s an excuse to see you more, I’ll take it,” Ben said, leaning towards Anakin and pulling him into a kiss with his right arm. Anakin wanted to press into him, to melt against him, but it was awkward trying to avoid his left shoulder.

“Can I come to New York with you?” There. Anakin had asked.

Ben tilted his head to the side and looked at him quizzically. “You’re always welcome, but it may be boring for you. I’ll be gone or writing most of the time.”

“Well, a friend invited me to a fancy event with him, some fundraising thing. I’ll go while you’re at you’re book promotion. He got me a plane ticket on your flight,” Anakin said, disgusted at himself.

“Well, I guess we have your friend to thank. Wonderful! I’ll be glad for the company,” Ben said, beaming at him.

Anakin tried to smile, horrified over what he’d done. Ben had noticed his pained expression and had cocked his head and gave him a quizzical look, but didn’t say anything, just rubbed Anakin’s cheekbone with his thumb.

Anakin was too choked up from his at least partial lie that he ran off to his apartment across the hall to pack his things. It wasn’t wholly a lie, actually most of it was true, just not the thinly veiled threats or the use of the word ‘friend’.

The days at Ben’s house that followed were for the most part, pleasant and domestic. There had been the rather unpleasant discovery of the blood-stained hardwood floor of the bedroom and the rather saturated rug by the bed. Anakin had tried not to full on panic when he saw it. Ben had smiled sheepishly and attempted a shrug, and told him that it would give the floors character. They threw the rug away.

Ben recovered quickly other than his sore shoulder and was back to himself in a day or two. When Anakin wasn’t at work, he sat quietly with Ben as he wrote and Anakin drew in his notebook or read. He took long runs along the river, or went on bundled up walks with Ben. He’d cook for Ben, which was a joy because he delighted in the simplest things and was very easy to please.

Anakin wished he could say that he was in a good spot mentally, or that he was sleeping or eating well. He wasn’t sure that Ben was much better. Despite the fact that it must make his shoulder ache, Ben wrote like a fiend, and sometimes Anakin would wake up in the arm chair in his office at odd hours of the night and drag him to bed. Sometimes kicking and screaming was involved. Well, at least figurative kicking and screaming. He worked too hard, and Anakin was fretting about everything, though he hoped most of the fretting was internal.

After he’d wrestle Ben into sleeping, he’d lay there and watch him, enjoying at the least his warmth and the soft sound of his breathing. He knew he should talk to Ben about everything, but he was paralyzed by fear, the words catching in his throat every time he tried.

The morning of the trip, Qui dropped them off at the airport. They got through security and sat by the gate. Anakin was thrumming with nervous energy. Ben kept giving him worried but encouraging looks and rubbing his arm.

“Nervous flier? I hate flying too. Have to splurge for first class. Too claustrophobic to sit in coach,” Ben said, eyeing the plane warily.

Not at all, thought Anakin. “Something like that,” Anakin said; maybe he should change the subject.

“I can’t believe how much grief you gave me about packing. I didn’t know you were such a master packer,” Anakin said.

“Oh, you little… You should never put that suit in a suit case. It’s a masterpiece, a work of art, a priceless object. It has to go in a garment bag. That would be like putting me in a suit case. You should be thanking me,” Ben replied.

“So, you’re a priceless masterpiece? Well, I’m not putting you in a garment bag either. But It’d probably be cheaper. I could throw you in the overhead bin,” Anakin said.

Ben rolled his eyes at that. “We have a while, should we get something to eat?”

“I’m not really hungry, but I’ll come with you to get something,” Anakin said.

“Anakin, you’ve barely been eating lately. Don’t think I haven’t noticed; I’ve been living with you,” Ben said, brows drawn together.

“Just going through an off time, you know? Stressed about a few things,” Anakin said. He was nervous about where this was going.

“Like what? Let me help if I can,” Ben said, squeezing his hand.

“Just work and stuff. Let’s just enjoy our trip,” Anakin said.

Ben dropped his hand then turned and looked out the window. Anakin could tell that he wasn’t happy with his answer.

“You know you can tell me anything. If its money trouble or something I could help you,” Ben said, his gaze off in the distance.

“I know. It’s not like that,” Anakin replied.

“Maybe it would help to talk to someone impartial? I have someone I saw last year; it did help,” Ben said, turning back to face him.

“Maybe,” Anakin replied, looking down at the floor.

They both sat quietly after that, not really even glancing at each other until they got on the plane. Ben was not lying about hating flying. He took a valium washed down with ginger-ale and gripped the hand rest with one cold, white hand. The other was balled up in his sling. Anakin just sat and stared out the window, mind awash in horrible circular thoughts.

They arrived without event, checked into their hotel, and Siri collected Ben, who was at this point partially recovered from his ordeal.

Ben wouldn’t be back until after Anakin was gone, so come evening, he dressed himself in the beautiful Gucci suit, thinking of it as some kind of armor. It fit perfectly. He hated it. Anakin steeled himself, went down to the lobby, and got into the beautiful car that was sent for him.

It was a night Anakin hoped to forget. The setting was glittering with ice and gilding, a string quartet played in the background. The sounds were the rustling of formal gowns, clinking of glasses, and the refined murmurs of the wealthy guests. Anakin wasn’t even sure what it was for, some fundraiser.

He (Anakin couldn’t even bear to think of his name) met him at the door and took his arm. Shorter and sturdier than Anakin, with auburnish hair greying at the temples, he had the calm and welcoming smile of the polished politician. Anakin couldn’t bring himself to say anything. They entered the elegant fray.

Anakin took to drinking immediately. He took some kind of champagne off a tray and had at it. He didn’t really like it, but it would get to the desired effect. He plastered the biggest, probably fakest smile on his face and tried to look pretty. Escorts should be seen and not heard.

Everyone around him had the same thought, and no one said a word to him. He got a few empathetic looks from other young people who were draped on the arms of the powerful. His stomach roiled with disgust, both at the situation and at himself for going along with it.

Full of too much champagne, the same driver took him back to the hotel around midnight. Sheev, as promised, had not coerced him into anything more, just sent him on his way with an “I’ll be needed you again soon, likely over the holidays. Please be ready,” as the car drove off.

Full of champagne and little else, Anakin tried not to stumble back to their hotel room. He keyed himself in, trying to be quiet. All the lights were on, and Ben was not in bed, but asleep at the desk, still fully dressed. His head was slumped over and the sling was loosely over his left arm. His laptop was in front of him and open.

Anakin walked over to the desk and lightly shook his right shoulder, then leaned down and stuck his nose into Ben’s hair, breathing in the familiar smell of his shampoo and of himself. Ben stirred, then turned to look at him, eyes dark circled.

“There you are, dear heart. I was waiting for you. Must have fallen asleep,” Ben said as he stood up and studied Anakin’s face.

“You don’t look as though you had a good time. You’ve had quite a bit to drink, haven’t you?” Ben said, handing him a bottle of water from the mini fridge.

“Drink this. Then let’s get you out of that suit and into bed.”

Anakin complied and allowed himself to be directed about like a child. He was glad to have someone take care of him; someone who didn’t have any ulterior motives. “Shower first,” Anakin said.

Even though nothing sexual had happened, Anakin felt dirty. Ben got it ready for him and he stood in the scalding shower for as long as he could bear. When he got out, Ben shook his head at his red skin and gently dried him off as best he could mainly one handed. He gave Anakin a chaste kiss on the lips, then led him to the bed and tucked him in, setting another bottle of water on the bedside table. He crawled in beside Anakin and massaged his scalp for a while.

“Forget everything and rest right now. Just rest,” Ben murmured.

The next day, on the flight back, Anakin knew things were serious. Ben had forgone his valium and was ready to talk.

“Anakin, you’ve hardly said a word to me lately other than when I force it out of you. You haven’t been eating or sleeping well; I do notice these things. Last night you came back looking devastated, not like someone who’s had a good time with a friend. Either I’m not working for you or something is really the matter or there’s somebody else. Please talk to me,” Ben said.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” was the best reply Anakin could think of.

“Not this again. I’ll most certainly get hurt and so will you if you keep hiding whatever this is from me. If I’m not the person for you, it’s better to end things early than get even more attached,” Ben said. As he grew more emotional, his accent was more pronounced.

“No! You’re the best thing in my life now, that’s not it. Should we be talking about this on a plane?” Anakin said.

“We could talk about it on the morning news or in front of the Queen for all I care. I’m sick of excuses and putting this off. No one here knows us. Just talk,” Ben said.

Anakin told him everything about what had happened with Sheev, starting with the flowers and moving on through the threats. Ben listened with apparently calm attention, eye contact direct. He occasionally did startle or turn vaguely green when the plane hit some turbulence, but overall held himself together. He let Anakin talk without interrupting.

“He knows everything about you; I don’t know how he knows but he does. If I don’t do as he says, I’m afraid he’ll hurt you. I was so afraid that if I told you, he’d hurt you or do something to sabotage your book. I’m so afraid for you. I don’t want to stress you out any more than you are already,” Anakin said, feeling increasingly guilty.

“Anakin, you should have told me at the beginning!” Ben said, then looked away for a minute, obviously trying to take some kind of calming breaths.

The look on his face wasn’t one Anakin had really seen before. He looked angry. Anakin felt ashamed panic washing over him. Why did he fuck everything up?

After a horrible minute, Ben turned back towards him.

“You should have told me. Not because I’m worried about myself; I’m a big boy and can take care of me. I’m not afraid of some rich asshole. I know other rich assholes who can deal with him if all else fails. We need to get this figured out so that he doesn’t keep hurting and manipulating you. You’re causing me more stress by keeping me in the dark when something is obviously wrong.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I just panicked and made things worse,” Anakin said and stared out the window.

He couldn’t bear to look at Ben right now. They sat in horrible awkward silence for what felt like a glacial ice age till Anakin felt Ben’s hand on his thigh.

“I can’t stay mad at you, I guess. Mostly because you look like a little lost lamb,” Ben said, features softening. He ruffled Anakin’s hair.

“No wonder you’ve been so off. Don’t hide these things from me anymore,” Ben said.

“What should we do?” Anakin asked.

“We can talk to the police, I’m not sure that they’ll be helpful though. Satine has several lawyer friends, and they likely will know what to do in this kind of situation. If not, I know of someone that may be able to help, though it would fall into the grey area of the law and likely involve some counter threats… I’d probably save that option for last. Your dad and I will keep you safe, love. And me, I’ll be fine, don’t worry about things,” Ben said, trying not to grimace as the plane was landing.

“Do you promise you’ll tell me if something is wrong? Even if it’s hard?” Ben asked.

“I do,” Anakin said and meant it. By trying to avoid stress he’d caused piles of it. He leaned back into his seat.

Anakin felt hollow, as if all his terrible emotions had been scraped and burned out of him. He felt clear minded for the first time in a while. He was no longer alone with his horrible secret. Ben would help him, and things would work out in the end.

“You’re coming home with me?” Ben asked.

“Of course! If I can stay,” Anakin replied, a little nervous.

“Always,” was the reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The little bit of French that Ben recites is roughly translated (my French is rusty) "As long as I live, my heart will not change (or vary)." It's a quote/poem from the book Checkmate, by Dorothy Dunnett and is, of course, a love poem. 
> 
> I hope that you enjoyed it. Thankfully Anakin confessed!
> 
> Thanks for reading! If you'd like, let me know what you think! I always appreciate it.
> 
> And my eternal thanks to my voice of reason and lovely beta picavenger14. I've added a bunch since she read it, so errors are obviously my own.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well gentle readers, the confrontation that you've been wondering about does not happen here but some other things do. Sorry. Reminder that this will have a happy ending. 
> 
> Warning for medical descriptions, nothing overly graphic.

“All right Anakin, let's start our anti-stalker project.”

Anakin and Ben were sitting at Ben’s dining room table hashing out a plan to combat the Sheev situation. Ben meant business. He had a legal pad of notes in front of him and a pen behind his ear. His brows were drawn together in his ‘serious thought’ expression. He’d forgone wearing the sling all together, stating earlier that it didn’t hurt anymore. Anakin suspected it was for aesthetic reasons, but didn’t ask. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Anakin couldn’t help but find him adorable.

“I made some phone calls and have done some research. I’m having a very fancy security system installed here. I talked to your dad, and he’s changing the locks at your building and increasing the video surveillance. You need to talk to security at work and see if they can monitor deliveries and the like. Have your phone on you at all times. You also need to stop all contact with him and keep any voice messages or deliveries. Do you have anything from before?”

Anakin looked down. “No, I was too angry and threw it all away. I just couldn’t stand looking at any of it.”

Ben frowned. “Oh well, what’s done is done. Just keep anything new. I’ve told Lu about it. She’s a senior editor, so she can watch out for any book sabotage.”

Anakin looked fondly at Ben. He’d done so much for him in so little time. Ben was wearing the softest looking dove grey sweater and pale camel colored wool trousers, his feet endearingly in some kind of argyle print sock. Anakin had the intense urge to squeeze him, Ben being the dearest thing he’d ever seen.

Ben was still droning on about something in his pleasant, well-modulated voice, but Anakin didn’t care. He went over and pulled him out of the chair and held him tight, avoiding his (likely still sore) shoulder. He smelled so fucking good, like his fancy soap and pine or cedar or something. It was possibly the best smell in the world.

“What was that for?” Ben said, making his adorable startled face, hair flopping over his forehead.

“I’m just happy I can squeeze you almost any time I want.”

“Well, I grant you full squeezing rights.”

“You’ve helped me so much. You could just end this, but you keep helping me. Plus, your sweater is so soft,” Anakin said, petting the back of his arms.

“Ah, well dear one, I’ve put too much time and effort into this to give up, and I happen to be incredibly fond of you. From now on I’ll choose all sweaters for maximum hug-ability,” Ben said.

Ben continued on as he rubbed Anakin’s back “Don’t worry. I’ve always wanted to be someone’s knight in shining armor.”

Anakin had the sudden image of Ben standing there pointing a sword at a dragon (who had a suspiciously familiar face) with himself huddled at his feet, clutching onto Ben’s leg. In this vision, Ben’s shirt was somehow open down to his navel and there seemed to be a strong wind like something on the cover of the romance novels he used to find hidden under the bed when he was a kid. Anakin tried not to laugh but then was overwhelmed by the warmest, softest feeling, kind of like that sweater.

They leaned into each other for a minute. The spell was broken by Ben’s unprovoked grab of Anakin’s ass.

“Hey!” Anakin yelled as he jumped away, mock offended. “I was trying to have a moment.”

“We’ll have time for moments later. We have an important conversation to finish,” Ben said screwing his face back up into his best look of stern concentration.

“We’re going to go and get you a new phone with a new number. If none of this works, I have a plan B.”

“The shady one?” Anakin asked, leaning intently on the table.

“Yes Anakin, the shady one. It involves contact with someone I’m don’t really get along with, but he’ll feel morally obligated to help me.”

“Who’s that?”

Ben sighed and then continued on reluctantly “my grandfather. He is a very well-respected art dealer, which sounds benign enough, but he has a million contacts throughout the US and Europe, some of them with more questionable business practices. We’re not overly fond of one another, but I’m his only living relative and he won’t stand for anything like this. I haven’t talked to him in a few years,” Ben said, fiddling with the pen from behind his ear.

“He can be quite overbearing. I’d rather not involve him if possible,” Ben said.

“Well, hopefully we won’t have to.”

“I’m going to go write for a while now. I’m nearly done with this draft.” Ben picked up his computer to head towards the office.

Anakin stood in front of him for a minute, preventing him from leaving. “Fine, but I’m pulling you out of there for dinner.”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Yes, dear.”

“Don’t give me that. You’d work for days straight if I let you.”

Ben tried to wiggle past him but failed. “I have to obey the muse and its going so well right now. I think it’s because of you.”

Silly flatterer. Anakin smiled fondly and resisted the urge to squeeze again. “You’re ridiculous. Is next week’s trip the last for a while?”

“Yes, it’s the last promotional thing before Christmas.”

“Do you like to celebrate the holidays?” Anakin asked, hoping he’d say yes. He secretly adored Christmas time.

“I love it! I’m not religious or anything but I love the movies, and giving presents, and the decorations, also food,” Ben said, then had a thoughtful pause.

“You know, I have this big house with a nice kitchen… Your dad and anyone else you want to invite could come here. Satine and Quin usually come over, but I think they’d get along”

“Yeah, that sounds good. My dad would like it. I can work on planning” Anakin said, nearly humming with pleasure.

Ben kissed his cheek and headed off to his office.

The next week passed quickly. Sheev had made no attempts at contact, which could be good or bad depending. Anakin hoped that something horrible wasn’t brewing in the silence.

Anakin had worked a good chunk of the past week and the time he wasn’t working or sleeping he was fruitlessly trying to keep Ben from not working himself to death. He knew that he wasn’t sleeping much the nights Anakin was working. It usually went something like this:

“Please tell me that you haven’t been here all night.” Anakin would say when he came home and found a bleary looking Ben still in his office.

“I haven’t been here all night,” Ben said, smiling softly. The violet circles under his eyes were getting more pronounced.

“You’re lying,” Anakin tried to not put his hands on his hips and shake his head, but he did it anyway.

“Yes, but you asked so nicely.” Ben was grinning at this point.

“Come to bed.”

“To the point. I like it.” Ben waggled his eyebrows.

“To sleep, you fool.” Anakin walked over and gave him a hand up. They went together upstairs and may have shared a joint shower prior to sleeping which may have led to Ben licking water off of Anakin’s abs and then led to more pleasurable activities followed by actual sleeping.

Anakin was trying not to worry. It had seemed like he was getting better overall in the past month, healthier with more energy. However, the day he left for his last book signing, it seemed that something was off. Ben was quiet and subdued, almost listless. He promised Anakin that he was fine.

When Anakin called him the night before he was flying back, his voice sounded different, huskier and hoarse.

“You’re sick, aren’t you?”

“No”

“Then why do you sound like you started a three pack a day smoking habit?”

“I thought it might help my writing. It’s what all the edgy writers did,” Ben replied as he obviously tried to muffle a cough.

Anakin snorted. “Why are you so frustrating?”

“Part of my charm. I’ll even let you fuss over me when I get back.”

“I can’t wait to take care of your snotty self. At least you smell nice, unlike my usual patients.”

“I hope to think that I have other more pleasant attributes as well.”

“Maybe a few. Unlike many of my patients, you can talk. Sometimes that’s a good thing.”

“Only sometimes? I’m hurt.”

“Ok, fine. Most of the time. I miss you.”

Ben’s voice changed to something softer and sweeter “I miss you too.”

The day Ben came home had so far been productive. Anakin was off work, managed to get up at a reasonable time, and had gone out and picked out a wreath, a Christmas tree, a few decorations, a bunch of candles (scented and unscented) and a million lights. He put the tree up, but didn’t decorate it, and put up some lights.

He’d also gone to the grocery store to stock up and stopped by his dad’s to pick up his special teas and soup that he made whenever Anakin was sick. He picked up some cold medicine and cough drops as well. Ben had done so much for him lately and had been so understanding. He wanted to show him how much he appreciated him, loved him really. Anakin was a little afraid to say it again, but he knew it was true.

He went to pick up Ben at the airport knowing he’d come home to a warm, decorated house with dinner nearly ready. He deserved it. Arriving at the airport, he got out and gave Ben a quick hug and helped him get his things into the Jeep.

“I have a surprise for you at the house and I made a nice chicken pasta for dinner or soup if you want it.”

Anakin gave a quick look to Ben who had climbed into the passenger seat. He went to say something but then was interrupted by a fit of coughing. It was dark and hard to get a good look at him

“That sounds nice,” Ben said, voice thick and hoarse, and Anakin took off driving away.

“You sound terrible. Soup may be better? I have some special tea blend my dad made for you. I’ll put honey in it,” Anakin told him.

No Answer. Anakin glanced over quickly to see him asleep, slumped over in his seat. When they got back to the house, Anakin brought his bags in and then went back out to the car to retrieve him.

He opened the passenger door and shook him gently. “We’re here. Wake up and come inside.”

Ben groaned, coughed, and didn’t move.

“You can’t sleep in the car. It’s below freezing out here. Do I need to carry you out of there?” Anakin knew that would get a rise out of him.

“Fuck no. I’m coming,” Ben grumbled.

They went inside and Anakin led Ben upstairs to get him changed. He immediately threw himself on the bed fully dressed, face first. Anakin got some clothes out of his dresser and sat down beside him, then gave him a gentle roll over. He looked the worst Anakin had seen him in a long while, snowy pale except for a hectic flush across his cheeks. Anakin felt his forehead, which was hot as a furnace.

“Come on and change, have some soup and tea. I’ll give you some medicine for your fever.”

“I’m not at all hungry. Just want to sleep.”

“I know, but you’ll feel better hydrated with something in your stomach. It’s really good soup and it’s not vegan. My dad makes it to humor me. It’s a chicken noodle with homemade noodles and is a little bit spicy. Clears the sinuses. Get changed and you can lay on the couch. I’ll wait on you. You’ll love it,” Anakin knew he was rambling and didn’t care.

“Like some kind of cabana boy?” Ben asked, raising his brows.

“Yes”

“Shirtless?”

“If you cooperate.”

Ben slowly changed his clothes and followed Anakin back downstairs, intermittently coughing.

“You have to see one thing first.”

Anakin turned on the lights in the living room to reveal the Christmas tree. It was a real tree, a balsam, fresh and fragrant. He’d wreathed it in white lights. Ben smiled and leaned into his side.

“I’d kiss you, but I feel like Typhoid Mary right now. I love it.”

Anakin guided him to the couch and wrapped him up in a blanket. He came back with a tray of soup, cold medicine, and the tea and presented it to a dozing Ben. He spent a good hour intermittently watching the Muppet Christmas Carol and coaxing Ben into drinking the tea and eating half the soup and a few crackers. He then tucked him to into bed and set an alarm for himself to give Ben more Tylenol to bring down his fever.

In the morning, Anakin brought him some more tea and some fresh squeezed orange juice and sat beside him in the bed. He didn’t look too much better.

“Thank you for being so sweet to me when I’m all coughy and gross,” Ben said, sipping his tea.

“You’re only kind of gross.”

“I see. I hate to see what I have to do to be completely gross,” Ben said, raising an eyebrow. At the least he felt well enough to be mildly snarky.

“I’m sorry I was so out of it last night. The tree was lovely and you were so kind. I’m not sure I deserve it,” Ben said. He moved to sit up a bit more and leaned against Anakin.

“You’ve been so helpful and good to me, and you’re working really hard. I thought you deserve something nice. I brought some ornaments from home. When you feel up to it, we could decorate the tree,” Anakin said.

Ben put his tea down on the bedside table and opened up his arms. “Come here for a minute. I’ll try not to breath on you.”

Anakin wiggled over and allowed himself to be held. “Please keep breathing. I have the immune system of a god.”

“All right my dear Apollo”. Anakin leaned against his chest, not really liking the rattling going on in there. If this didn’t get better soon, he’d probably have to wrestle him in to see someone. He didn’t want to think about the herculean effort that would entail.

The rest of the day passed uneventfully. Ben told Anakin where to get some of his own Christmas tree ornaments out of the basement, which he retrieved easily. They did manage to decorate the tree, well, Anakin decorated the tree while Ben directed the efforts from his blanket-cocooned throne on the couch.

Anakin had a class he had to go to the next day and was a bit wary about leaving him, but he’d waited till the last minute and he needed to finish it if he wanted to keep taking care of patients. Damn procrastination. Thankfully it was just a one day recertification.

* * *

“Are you sure I can’t call Satine or someone to stay with you while I’m at class?” Anakin asked.

Ben tried not to roll his eyes. Yes, he felt terrible, but he would be ok feeling terrible alone for a while.

“Dear heart, I think I can keep myself alive for 10 hours.”

“You’re not very good at it on your good days. I’m not so sure you can handle it sick.”

“I think you and Satine have formed some kind of unholy pact. I feel a little better today. It’ll be fine,” Ben said, knowing that Anakin needed to renew some kind of certification.

Ben was lying and knew it. He felt kind of dizzy and his chest hurt, never mind that it was a little hard to breath if he walked more than 10 steps. If he had been truthful with himself and Anakin, he would have had to admit that he was a bit scared.

“I’m just going to laze here on the couch and watch home improvement shows. Anakin, did you know that there are holiday specials? It’ll be fine.”

“Ok. But I’m going to check in. Any hint of weirdness and I’m sending my dad over.”

“Nothing weird here.” Ben said, trying to hold back another coughing fit.

Anakin walked over to him, kissed his cheek, and rubbed his back a little. “Promise me you’ll rest?”

“Of course.”

Ben had some tea then dozed for a while until he was woken up by his phone ringing. Thinking it was Anakin, he answered it.

“Hello, Mr. Kenobi? We have that watch that you ordered ready. We’d like it if you could come and look at the engraving and see if it suits you. Is there any way you can come today or tomorrow to look at it?”

Shit, he forgot about the watch he’d ordered for Anakin. “Must it be today or tomorrow?”

“Sir, we’re afraid we won’t have it ready for in time for Christmas if it’s not to your liking.”

Well, there was no way Anakin would let him out of the house tomorrow when he’d be back home, and Satine was out of town, so it must be done today. It wouldn’t be hard. The jewelry store was at the fancy galleria mall downtown, a quick drive. He could valet park, slowly retrieve the damn thing, and then go back. Hopefully it would take 30 minutes.

“Sir?”

“Yes, sorry, I was thinking. Yes, I’ll come shortly.”

“Wonderful.”

Of all the moronic things, this was probably pretty stupid, but one had to do these things for love, right? He wasn’t sure if his brain was working correctly, but this wasn’t particle physics or anything.

He wheezed up the stairs and made himself semi-presentable and then took some daytime cold medicine and a coke from the refrigerator. Hopefully the combination of sugar and caffeine and cough suppressant would get him through the next hour and then he could pass out on the couch again. Anakin would never know.

When he thought back on it later, he couldn’t remember much of what happened after that. He knew that he made it downtown without running anyone over and picked up the watch, but everything after that was a blur. He vaguely remembered feeling very faint and leaning up against a wall. He couldn’t quite catch his breath. Someone talked to him after that in a soft voice and helped him lay down on the floor. There was some yelling and commotion, and then everything was calm.

* * *

Anakin was sitting in his resuscitation course, distracted as hell, vigorously tapping his leg. Ben hadn’t answered his last 3 texts. He hoped he was sleeping, but he couldn’t help but worry. He nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone started vibrating in his pocket. He bolted out of the room, probably scaring the instructor.

He looked down and saw it was Satine.

She sounded frantic, “Anakin, I’m in California. I can’t get a flight. I..”

“Satine, what’s wrong?”

“Ben! He collapsed at a mall or something. They said he’s really sick. Pneumonia and sepsis or something. He’s been there for a while I guess; my phone ringer was off. They’re sending him to intensive care. What the fuck happened?”

Anakin could feel his heart start to race and the sense of impending doom falling down around him. He felt physically ill. He started to run towards the main hospital building.

“I’m heading to the hospital now. He’s been sick the last few days, but didn’t seem that bad and I had a mandatory thing for work. Shit, I shouldn’t have left him. I don’t know what in the fuck he was doing at the mall.”

“What a fucking idiot. I’m sure he got something in his head that had to be done and decided that his idiot skinny ginger self had to do it right then and there. He’s impulsive as fuck, and I love him. I’m so worried,” Satine said, voice shaking.

Anakin felt his heart melt for a minute and then was met with the return of soul crushing, overwhelming anxiety. He couldn’t believe this was happening and didn’t know what to say. “I’ll call you when I know more.”

“I’m going to get on the next flight I can,” Satine said in a series of muffled gasps.

Anakin could hear the sounds of her sobs in the background as she hung up. He was shaking as he took the elevator up to the ICU and then ran in but was physically intercepted by Ahsoka.

“Anakin. Stop for a minute and sit down.” She pulled a rolling chair out from the bank of computers at the nurses’ station.

That was the last thing he wanted to do. He looked frantically around the unit, not sure of what room Ben was in. “What? No! I have to see him.”

“You will and soon!! But not like this. They’re doing a sterile procedure right now anyway. You have to wait.”

“What are they doing?”

“Lines.”

“Shit. Shit.” That meant Ben was really fucking sick and needed meds that couldn’t go through a regular IV. He tried to slow his breathing and to unclench his trembling hands. He had nearly gouged his palms with his fingernails.

Ahsoka sat beside him and took his shoulders in her hands. “Anakin, listen to me. You have to be calm. He’s scared out of his mind and delirious. He needs you to be calm.”

Anakin sat there as Ahsoka rubbed his back for a minute.

“Every emotion you have will rub off on him. Please. Be as calm as you can.”

If he’d been thinking clearly, he’d have realized she was using things Anakin taught her on himself. Anakin rested his arms on his thighs and bowed his head. He centered himself and counted to ten. When he looked up, Dr. Windu was there. Anakin was relieved. Though they didn’t always see eye to eye, he was a good doctor, brilliant and devoted to his patients. Ahsoka vacated her chair and Dr. Windu sat down beside him.

“I hear this young man belongs to you. He’s given me permission to talk to you.”

Anakin nodded.

“I’ll be frank, Skywalker. He has a terrible pneumonia and is in shock. He won’t be able to maintain his breathing like it is for very much longer. He needs to be sedated and intubated, but he won’t let us. You’ll see what I mean. You need to convince him. He’s too young for this.”

“You read about his past medical history?”

“Yes. He was here not very long ago.”

“He doesn’t talk about it much, but I get the sense that he had a terrible time.”

Dr. Windu patted his shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes. “Maybe so, but if we’re aggressive, we can likely get him through this. Go convince him. I’ll be waiting.”

Fuck. Anakin was just a bag of angry emotions not a negotiator. How was he going to do this when the consequences were unthinkable? Convince his Ben to have a tube put down his throat and have a machine force air into him? He had to do it. Anakin took another deep breath. Be calm, he thought to himself.

He went into the room and pulled the door shut behind him, then pulled a chair over to the bed, but didn’t sit down yet. Ben looked, to use a medical term, toxic. He was wearing a mask and was flushed, breathing rapidly, using every muscle of his neck and chest to do so. On the monitor, his heart was racing, blood pressure low. Dressed in only a hospital gown, he looked small and lost. Anakin willed himself not to panic.

Despite all this, Ben turned his head towards Anakin and gave him a small smile under the mask. Anakin took his hand. It was hot and dry. He saw that they’d put a line in his neck to give medications and one in his wrist to measure blood pressure. He made sure the sites were clean and dressed appropriately. They were. Continuing to hold his hand, Anakin sat down beside him.

“I left my car downtown,” Ben said. He had to gasp between every other word.

This was his beloved Ben. Of all the stupid things that he could worry about, he worried about that. “Don’t worry about your car, sweetheart. Let them help you.”

“Please. Don’t let them. Please. I don’t want it.” His eyes were glassy and wide with terror, apparently staring at something very far away.

Anakin rubbed his hand. Stay calm, he yelled internally. “It won’t be so bad. They’ll put you to sleep.” It was so hard to reconcile that this wasn’t his ill patient, it was Ben.

Ben tried to slow his breathing. “Had it last time. I remember. I can’t. Was alone. No one would help.” He coughed, and his oxygen levels dropped some and recovered with excruciating slowness.

Anakin was trying his hardest not to panic. He doubted that Ben had been left alone in the ICU when he’d been critically ill in the past, but people’s memories of their ICU stays were often distorted and awful, if they remembered at all.

Anakin stood up and brushed his hair off his forehead. “We’ll get through this. I promise.”

“Anakin, I can’t,” Ben said turning away from him, doubt creeping over his face.

“Please. Please. I will stay with you the whole time. I won’t leave your side. If you wake up, I’ll be here,” Anakin said, trying to hold back tears. I need you, I need you so much, he thought to himself.

“I’m tired,” Ben said.

Anakin didn’t think anyone in the history of the world had meant those words more. There was no way Ben would be able to sustain that ragged, frantic breathing much longer.

“Then let us help you and rest. I won’t leave you.”

Ben studied him with slightly unfocused eyes, brows drawn together, “No?”

“Never. I love you.”

Ben closed his eyes tight for a minute as if lost in thought. He then smiled just a little and gave a faint nod. “Ok.”

Anakin ushered Dr. Windu and the rest of the team into the room. It would be a very long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> I hope that you enjoyed it. I promise that the confrontation with Palpatine will happen in the next chapter. 
> 
> As always, if you have a minute, let me know what you think! 
> 
> Thanks to much for the superb and talented picavenger14 who beta reads for me and helps me maintain some degree of sanity!
> 
> I'm @darthplodder on Tumblr if you want to yell.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be a two chapter update!!! The last two! Yippeee!
> 
> Angst is about a 3/10, fluff maybe 9/10.

“Anakin, hey, Anakin… maybe you should go rest for a little bit.”

Anakin startled back to reality, feeling a gentle hand on his shoulder. He’d been dozing at Ben’s bedside, in a chair that could have doubled as a torture device. On the other hand, it could have been made of nails and infested with wasps, and he would have stayed there. He made a promise.

Twenty-four hours had passed since Ben’s admission to the ICU. He remained on the ventilator, in the sleep-like twilight of sedation. It was strange to see him so still. Every minute crept by like hours in the timeless, artificial light of the hospital.

The first night had been rocky. Anakin had nearly mainlined coffee, trying not to watch the monitors constantly, hypnotized by the bright lines and squiggles he knew so well, studying the infusions on the IV pumps. Dr. Windu had been in and out, adding medications and tweaking this and that. Anakin tried to ignore the ache in his chest when he saw the concern on Dr. Windu’s face as he studied the lab results on the computer screen, illuminated by the glow in the dark room. For once, he wished he wasn’t a nurse. Ignorance would have been bliss about right now.

Anakin stood up and stretched. “I promised him I wouldn’t leave, Ahsoka.”

Anakin had been out a few times to use the bathroom, but that was about it. The other nurses kept bringing him coffee and drinks. His dad had come and set up camp in the waiting room, entertaining other family members and handing out homemade snacks.

“You’ll have to at some point. You’ll start to stink,” Ahsoka said, squeezing his shoulder and shaking her braided head.

“I’ll take a quick shower in the locker room when his friend Satine gets here. She should be soon. I promise I’ll get some real rest once he’s extubated,” Anakin said.

Of course, he’d recover and have the breathing tube removed. The alternative was unthinkable. He’d talk to Ben again, flirt with him, hold him and be held. There was no other way.

A few hours later, Satine arrived, obviously disheveled and exhausted from travelling. Her blond hair was dirty and in a messy ponytail. She was wearing yoga pants and a rumpled sweater. Anakin met her outside the room, and she immediately bent over and started sobbing.

He put his arm around her, afraid that she’d fall or faint, pale was she was. Anakin’s heart ached for her. She’d gone through this before, and he wasn’t sure how she could bear it. He felt his own eyes grow hot.

She rubbed her face and took a deep breath. “Anakin, is it bad? You’re a nurse. Please be honest.”

She peered through the glass door. “It looks bad.”

He hugged her, as she seemed like the type that would like it. She leaned into him, shoulders shaking, tiny in his arms.

“It was terrible, but it’s getting better. His blood pressure is nearly back to normal, and his kidneys are recovering. His lungs are doing a little better.”

“Good. I just can’t bear it. I just couldn’t. I can’t. Anakin, it’s so selfish, but I need him. He’s my best friend, my brother. I can’t imagine it.”

“Everyone’s selfish in times like this. I don’t feel any differently.” God, when did he start spewing out wisdom? It must be the sleep deprivation.

“Is he awake?” Satine asked, drying her eyes on her sleeve.

“Not really. He’ll open his eyes and squeeze your hand, but that’s about it. Probably better that way. We’ll get him through this, Satine.”

“Yes. But I’m going to put parental blocks on his computer, and I’m going to sit on him till he recovers this time. If you’re not with him, I’ll keep him at the shop with me like it’s take your child to work day. I’ll get him a nice chair and put it in the office. Probably best to not let him make any juice,” she said, with a tiny, unsure smile.

Anakin remembered vaguely that she owned a fancy juice shop.

“I’m sure he’ll be thrilled,” Anakin said and led her into the room.

“He’ll have no choice in the matter, sweet pea. We’ll hash out a supervision plan later.”

Anakin pulled in a chair for her and they continued their vigil.

Over the next few days, Ben turned the corner. His lungs recovered and his heart was stronger. They lightened the sedatives and removed the breathing tube. Anakin sat beside him, holding his hand. The first few hours he was bleary and dazed and then fell asleep, obviously worn out by it all and needing some time for medications to clear.

A little while later, while Anakin was dozing with his head against the bed, Ben woke up and turned towards him. He gently brushed the hair from Anakin’s face, studying it as if he were trying to memorize every line and curve. His eyes were still a glassy green, but he seemed lucid.

“You look terrible,” Ben said, voice still hoarse.

“Like you should talk.”

“I’m sure that I’m handsome as always.” Ben grinned and took a few deep breaths, coughing a little.

“Been here this whole time, haven’t you? How long?”

Anakin smiled and squeezed his hand. “4 days. I’d never leave. I told you that.”

“You did… My dearest,” Ben said. Anakin continued to lay his head against the bed while Ben ran his fingers through his hair.

“What in the world were you doing at the mall?” Anakin asked, sitting back upright.

“Errand.”

“I can’t imagine what could be so important.”

Ben smiled. “In my belongings, there should be a gift bag. Will you look? I hope it’s still there.”

Anakin opened the storage closet and found a patient belongings bag. In it was a crushed and wrinkled silver gift bag.

“Open it.”

Anakin reached in the bag and pulled out a small velvet box, which he opened. Within it was a lovely silver watch. It looked handmaid and was a comfortingly heavy weight in his hand. He turned it over. On the back was engraved: ‘to Anakin, with my love always.’ He looked over at Ben who was gazing at him with wide, apprehensive eyes.

“I’m good with words, Anakin, but I’m not very good at expressing emotions. I love you. I should have said it a long time ago.”

“I love you too, so much.” Anakin couldn’t think of any fancy words or epitaphs, but he’d never felt anything this strongly before. He buried his face against the bed, trying to will back the tears which he’d been holding in for a long while, then leaned back again and took Ben’s hand.

“Is this what you went out for?” Anakin asked.

Ben scrunched up his face and shrugged. “Yes. It was your Christmas present. I wanted you to have it and figured if I couldn’t tell you how I felt I would show you.”

“I love it, but you’re so much more important to me than a watch. Don’t ever scare me like that again,” Anakin said, squeezing his hand.

“No guarantees, Anakin, but I’ll try not to. But now my sweet lover, my best beloved, you need to go and rest. Go home and sleep in our bed for a while. I think I’ll fall asleep in approximately two minutes,” Ben said, eyes heavy lidded.

“I don’t want to leave you yet.”

“All your nurse friends will be here with me. You’re wilting. You need sleep,” Ben said, rubbing thumb against Anakin’s cheekbone.

“All right, but I’ll come right back.”

“Will you bring me my toothbrush and brush… and my computer?”

Anakin raised his brows, “What are you planning on doing with it?” Idiot man.

“Just reviewing some things, e-mails… Anakin, I’ll be lost without it.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. I’ll bring you some books?” Foolish man would survive without it for a few more days.

“Anakin, I’ll be good I promise, please let me have it?” Ben made the biggest, saddest kitten eyes at him, and Anakin found his resolve wavering.

“All right, but for timed sessions. You can deal with Satine’s wrath on your own when she sees the damn thing,” Anakin said, shaking his head.

Anakin sat with him until he drifted back to sleep.

Anakin went back to Ben’s house, their house really, and passed out on the bed for about four hours, then woke up drooling and a little disoriented. He ate some horrible bran cereal, showered, packed some new clothes, gathered up Ben’s things, and returned to the hospital.

The nurses had helped Ben to sit up in a chair by his bed, and Anakin sat on the bed beside him.

“Anakin, I’m so glad you’re back, but how are you standing being near me? I’m filthy and smell less than pleasant. I need to shower.”

Anakin snorted. Ben must be feeling better; he was acting more like his usual self. “I think that would be a struggle today. We could do a bed bath.”

“There are so many opportunities for dirty jokes, but I’m just too tired.”

“I’ll help you shower when you’re out of the ICU, ok?”

“I suppose. Did you bring my computer?”

“I did, but I’m not letting you write.”

Ben yawned and leaned back in the chair. “Too tired. Anyway, I finished it.”

“The book?”

“A draft, at least. Lu is getting out her knives, I’m sure.”

“That’s amazing! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“No time. Just did, I mean before I got sick.”

“Does she know you’re here?”

“No…”

“You’ll tell her. Please. She needs to know what you’re going through. She needs to know about the past 2 years too. I know you push yourself way too hard without any external motivation, but her deadlines couldn’t have helped.”

“No, I suppose they didn’t.”

“You’ll tell her?”

“I will. I promise.” He yawned again and closed his eyes.

On Christmas day, Ben transferred out of the ICU to a regular room. Anakin had a few surprises up his sleeve. First, he would get Ben his much-desired shower which would give Satine and his dad some time to go through with the plan.

The first step in operation-make-Ben-happy was to get him his shower. Anakin had thought that Ben would like it better if he helped him rather than the nurse’s aide. They’d (very slowly) made it into the bathroom.

“Look, you can use the shower chair and I’ll help you.”

“I don’t want to sit on a chair in the shower like a doddering old man.”

“You’re going to get tired.”

“This is the least sexy shower ever.”

“It’s not that big a deal, lots of people use them,” Anakin coaxed gently.

“Fine, I’ll use the damn chair.” He stood there with his arms crossed, trying to look mad, but really just looked endearingly wobbly. Anakin stood there ready to catch him. He didn’t seem to want to budge.

“You have to undress.”

“Don’t look.”

“I’ve seen you naked a thousand times.”

“It’s not the same.”

“I have to look if I’m going to help you. Do you want your nurse to help you instead?” God, Anakin was so tired. Part of him was happy that Ben had enough energy to be persnickety though. He would get through, but it would be a good exercise in patience.

“No! Just want you. I’m sorry Anakin. Let’s just get on with it.”

He let Anakin help him get undressed and sit in the chair, then folded over with his elbows on his thighs, shaking. It was clear that he was fighting back tears.

“I’m so exhausted. Just from this. I so sick of being tired. I don’t know if I can do this again.”

Anakin crouched down beside him. “You can do this. You’re going to get better. I’ll help you. I promise. We’ll do it together. Now, you better shower before you freeze to death. You’ll feel like a new person.”

He sniffed a few times and then agreed.

“Plus, when we’re done, you get a surprise,” Anakin added.

“A surprise?” Ben looked up, just a little bit hopeful.

“Yup. Let’s get this done. I even brought your fancy stuff from home.”

Anakin helped him, tenderly and gently, whispering soft platitudes and thinking that even stripped down to his bones, he was lovely beyond measure, the only thing in the world that he wanted right now. Even one year ago, he couldn’t imagine himself ever feeling this way. It was amazing how much things could change.

With that, they got through the ‘least sexy shower ever’, and Ben got his surprise.

When Anakin helped Ben (now clean and sweet smelling) wobble back out to his bed, the room looked like Christmas Cheer had vomited tinsel and fairy dust and reindeer dander all over the room. Satine and Qui had strung up some lights (probably illegal), homemade snowflake streamers, and silver tinsel all over the room. There was a fake mini tree and some stockings hanging from the wall. Someone had made the bed with a festive quilt and put the giant stuffed tiger from the fair in it, wearing a Santa hat. There were some presents by the tree and a few tins on the bedside table.

Ben flushed and then grinned with glee, leaning on Anakin.

“See, Santa came while you took a shower like a good little boy. Let’s see what he brought.”

“I imagine that Santa is about 6’4 and that he’s assisted by a skinny, blond lady-elf?” Ben said, looking in unabashed glee about the room. Once in bed, he opened the tins, revealing lots of different kinds of cookies; gingerbread men, sugar cookies, windowpane cookies, ones that looked like candy canes. There was also a fancy box of macarons in a rainbow of colors, likely courtesy of Satine.

Anakin brought him some of the packages to open, the best of which was wrapped a bit lopsidedly. Ben pulled a quite interesting sweater and held it up. It was clearly from Qui-Gon.

“Well, I don’t have one like this,” Ben said, raising a brow.

It was giant and a most unflattering orange, had a B on it and approximately three Bens could have fit into it.

“Don’t laugh Anakin, I love it!”

“Maybe you’ll grow into it?”

“God, I hope not.” Ben made a look of mock indignation.

“You’d be cuddly and it’d be wonderful.”

“I’m always wonderful,” Ben said firmly.

Anakin raised an eyebrow and Ben put it on over his hospital gown. It was hideous. His dad had probably should have pursued other callings rather than trying to become Molly Weasley. They nibbled on cookies for a while and then Ben fell asleep, safe in his massive sweater.

* * *

Anakin did have to go back to work, and Ben would not allow him to stay with him during the day and work all night. Ben was grateful for all the attention but needed just a little time for himself. He’d kicked out Qui and Satine, who had become fast friends, and forced them to go eat wherever unnaturally tall vegans normally ate. He shuddered to think of it, as it probably involved large quantities of chard and tempeh.

He’d had a blessed few hours of alone time in which he’d answered emails, dozed for a bit, discussed his impending discharge (tomorrow if all went well) with his nurse, and now was working on a book of crossword puzzles Satine had given him. All was well until a strange man came into his room, shutting the door behind him.

He had a benign kind of smile on his face, but something about him made Ben shiver. He was maybe forty-five, not overly tall but stocky, with unremarkably pleasant features and greying auburn hair. Did he work at the hospital? Ben couldn’t place him.

“Mr. Kenobi?”

“Yes, do I know you?”

“No, we don’t have the pleasure of each other acquaintance. I’m an old friend of Anakin,” the man said, giving him a knowing look.

Ben realized exactly who this was. The dodgy man was between him and the door and his nurse call light was at the foot of the bed. He steeled his shoulders and refused to be intimidated.

“What exactly do you want, Sheev?”

“We need to talk.” He walked closer to the bed.

“I see. And who said that I’d like to talk to you? Anakin wants nothing to do with you, and I certainly don’t. I don’t see that we have much to talk about.”

Ben sat up as straight as he could in bed and tried for a calm but imperiously annoyed expression. He desperately attempted to ignore the feelings of fear and alarm his brain was trying to send him.

The repulsive man came closer to the bed. Ben reached down for the nurse call button and horrible Sheev grabbed his wrist, pinning it down and squeezing it so hard the bones ground together. He gritted his teeth. Time to retaliate. He snuck his other hand under his gown, on one of the heart monitor leads.

“Sit down, sir, and let go of me. I’ll rip this lead off and the nurses will come running. Who do you think they’ll believe? Their poor sweet patient or some smarmy git that they’ve never seen before? Let’s discuss this like gentlemen.”

Wrist released, Ben swallowed back a cough and continued on. “So, you’re Anakin’s stalker? I can’t say I’m charmed to meet you.”

“I don’t really appreciate that word, such a horrible connotation,” he said, leaning back in the chair, apparently at ease.

“Well, it seems to fit,” Ben said.

“I don’t think you understand how much I did for Anakin. He owes me a great deal, it’s as simple as that. Either you share him with me or I’ll find some creative ways to make your life miserable. You seem like a nice boy. Don’t do something that you’ll regret.”

“I suppose that I may seem frail or helpless right now, but, good sir, you’ve failed at your research. I am neither of those things and I won’t take to threats lightly. You don’t scare me.”

“No? I have plenty of friends in the publishing industry. I can’t say I can see what you can hold over me.”

“Hmm, I see. As I said before, you’ve failed at your research. I was raised by my grandfather you see, both here and in England. We don’t share the same last name, though, and I rarely see him anymore. He is an endlessly wealthy and powerful man. Calls himself an art dealer, but its far more complicated, as it often is. He has thousands of powerful contacts and investments in many industries, including the entertainment industry, in the US and Europe. You seem to know that the truly wealthy are far above the law, yes? Jan Dooku is his name, and if his only living relative, that is me, says the word, he will end you. It won’t be quick and it won’t be painless.”

Ben watched as the man visibly paled. He made to stand up. Ben resolutely maintained his direct, and calm but furious glare.

“Ah, you know the name I see. I suggest that you leave and never come back. I have no qualms about calling him. If I hear even the slightest hint of you having any contact with Anakin, I will do it.”

At this point, Sheev did stand up. Ben continued to look him straight in the eye. There was a blessed knock at the door and Ben told whomever it was to come in.

It was Qui-Gon, and Ben surmised that somehow he knew that something wasn’t right. He stood in front of the door like a lanky mountain, eyes like daggers of blue ice. He crossed his strong arms across his wide chest and loomed.

“Are you alright? Who is this?” Qui asked, looking at Sheev with the expression that one makes when they find they’ve stepped in dog shit.

“I’m fine,” Ben said, smoothing down his blankets. “An old acquaintance, he was just leaving. Aren’t you? Remember what I said.”

The odious specimen slinked past Qui-Gon as quickly as possible and out the door. Ben took a deep breath and had the coughing fit he was trying to hold back. His whole body was shaking from the adrenaline surge.

Qui came over to the bed and handed him a glass of water. “Who was that? Did he hurt you? He had some seriously dark vibes going on.”

“Nobody and no,” Ben said, rubbing his wrist. He really didn’t want Qui to get arrested for assault or murder, so he held back a little bit of the truth.

“He won’t be coming back.”

Qui nodded but went out to likely talk to his nurse about letting weirdos in. It wasn’t their fault, it’s not like the Swiss Guard was out there or something. Qui then sat himself in the corner of the room, knitting menacingly and casting occasional glances at the door, as if he was willing him to come back so he could stab him with a knitting needle. He was a truly murderous presence in his maroon smoking jacket. Once he somehow deemed it safe, Qui left Ben to his devices.

Ben wished they served alcohol at this point, but didn’t think it’d be prudent to ask his nurse who also was likely needing a drink. He tried to go back to his crosswords for a while, but his mind kept wandering. Anakin came over on an early break and saved him from his doldrums.

Ben swung his legs around and sat on the side of the bed, facing Anakin who sat down beside him. The other nurses were secretly covering so that he could have an hour or so with Ben.

Ben reached over and cupped his face in his hands and carded his hand through his wavy hair. Anakin looked worn out, the lovely bones of his face sharper than usual.

“You look done in, beloved. Can you take some time off in the next few weeks?” Ben asked, knowing very well that Anakin had been through hell lately.

“I’m trying to switch things around so I can be home with you. Do they still think you’ll be able to go tomorrow?”

“Yes. I want you to rest though. Satine can help me and Quin’ll be back soon. Please?”

Anakin gave him a soft, fond look “I guess. Spending time with you isn’t a chore though.”

“Well, of course not. My incandescent personality draws people like flies, even in this sorry state… But it’s hard to always be the caregiver, dearest. Have you eaten today?”

Anakin looked down and studied his running shoes “Umm”

“Naughty. I’ll order some things and we can share, ok?”

Anakin nodded and let him pick some things from the menu for the kitchen to send up. Ben knew he should tell Anakin about the encounter, but thought it best to wait until after he ate.

“Anakin, since we’re going to be open about everything, there is something I need to tell you...”

Anakin’s eye’s opened wide and his brows came together “What!? Is it the test results? Did something come up?”

Ben sighed. He should have worded that better; he knew Anakin was worried that his illness was heralding the return of his cancer. Ben squeezed his thigh. “Nothing like that. Everything is ok on that front. You’re, um, ‘friend’ came to visit.”

Anakin rocket out of the chair and started to pace, scrubbing his hands through his hair.

“What?? When?”

“Just a little while ago… Anakin, it was fine. Please don’t worry. I’m fine.”

“He found you here?”

“Yes, but he’s never coming back, love. I scared the hell out of him.”

“What, by flirting him to death? Fuck, Ben!” Anakin said, continuing to pace.

“Dear, I can be scary if I want to,” Ben said, ignoring Anakin’s raised brow.

“Be glad you haven’t seen it. Anyway, I basically told him that my impossibly rich, impossibly connected grandfather would have him quietly erased if he continued.”

“Would he?”

“Certainly. Maybe somewhere in his black soul he’s fond of me, but he adored my mother. If I told him now, your Sheev would be unlikely to come out of it with use of his limbs. If he’s lucky, that is.”

“He believed you?’

“Yes, he slid out of here with his tail between his legs. It also helped that your dad was standing by the door like a bouncer.”

Anakin seemed to calm, his breaths slowed, and he walked back over towards the bed. “He would make a good bouncer.”

Ben, glad to finally be untethered from constant IV tubing, stood up and wrapped his arms tight around him. He smelt of disinfectant and apple shampoo and himself. Ben couldn’t wait to be home alone with him. They both needed a chance to recover from the weeks’ past atrocities. He rubbed Anakin’s back and tried to send him calming thoughts. Anakin relaxed against him for a second, and then stepped away, supporting Ben’s shoulders with his hands.

“It’ll be ok, best beloved. We’ll go home tomorrow and start fresh, no more hospitals, no creepy stalkers, nothing. It’ll be so good. It’ll be our lives starting fresh,” Ben said, sitting back on the bed.

He felt suddenly very tired, but he’d rest once Anakin left.

Anakin looked at him pointedly, clearly picking up on his weariness. “It’s going to take a while for you to recover. You have to try to not be discouraged and push too hard again. Tell me if you need help.”

“Yes, my sweet sexy nurse. You looked like such an avenging angel just a minute ago that I had some improper thoughts.”

“Don’t you deflect everything now. It’s going to work out, but I’ll… we’ll have to help each other.”

Ben’s heart felt warm and full. “You’re right, love. It will work out as it should.”

“It’ll be good.”

“Yes, it will. Now you better go back to work. I love you,” Ben said, and kissed him gently. With that, he got back into bed. The real world awaited them, and they’d be ready to face it. Well, maybe after a little well-deserved rest.

Ben was discharged from the hospital without any issues the following day and spent the next couple of days mainly napping and eating, which wasn’t wholly unpleasant. Anakin had fussed over him like a hen with one chick until Ben had finally sent him upstairs to take his own nap. He went to the couch to watch some real estate shows when his phone beeped.

-Ben? Its Rex. My mom’s going to be at your house in about 5 minutes. Sorry.

It’d been months since he talked with Rex, Cody’s twin brother.

-Rex! So glad to hear from you. Thanks for the warning.

-Welcome. We should talk soon.

-We should.

-Good Luck!

Ben grimaced and put his phone down. At least he had showered and was wearing jeans and one of Anakin’s sweatshirts instead of pajamas. He heard a car pull up out front and toddled over to the door. He hated to say that he was still a little wobbly.

He opened the door to reveal a short, sturdy lady with a hawkish nose and curly white hair. She had a rather ferocious look on her face.

“There you are. You don’t call, don’t let me know how you are. What kind of a son are you?” She glared at him, hands on hips, a tiny tornado.

“A terrible one,” Ben replied, leading her over to the more formal sitting area and motioned for her to sit.

“I hate to show up like this, but what choice did I have? I haven’t heard from you in months. Now come here.”

She opened up her arms, demanding a hug. He obeyed.

“When you married my son, you became mine. You know that. No different than the others, well, except pale and runty.”

Ben smiled tightly and sat down on the sofa once he was released. He was a little overwhelmed. He looked over at the stairs, hoping Anakin wouldn’t come down right now.

“Let me look at you. You’re skin and bones. You were sick again, weren’t you,” she said, still looking at him pointedly.

She was smiling worriedly now, and her anger seemed to be dissipating.

“A bit. I’m recovering now.”

“Hmm. You should come stay with me for a while. I’d have you right again in no time.”

“I’m sure you would. But I really can’t,” Ben said, looking at the stairs again, straining his ears to see if he heard footsteps.

“Why do you keep looking over there? I know about your new man. Satine told me. Did you think I’d be mad or hurt?”

“I guess I did. I’m sorry.”

She came and sat beside him, putting her arm around him. “Oh baby, I’m not mad at all. I fell in love with you the moment Cody brought you home. I just want you to be happy. Don’t think for a second that Cody would have wanted you to be alone or to suffer. He’d have never wanted that. Not my generous, sweet son.”

Ben felt hot tears pricking at his eyes. He tried to blink them back and buried his head against her and then the tears come. He didn’t have the energy to hold it back anymore.

“Let it out, baby. Keeping it in has been making you sick. It’s ok.” She rubbed circles onto his back as he shook.

“You don’t need it, baby, but I give you my blessing. Be happy. Love your sweet man. I do want to meet him, but when it’s right. Rex will want to see you too. You bring him by and I’ll feed you.”

“Really?”

“Of course, baby. Of course. I love you, you know that. Go and love your man. You have my blessing.”

They sat together as the sun set and Ben was eased by her warm, loving presence. The final weight lifted off of him. He was ready to start anew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Make sure you go on to read 15! It's ready for you. 
> 
> Thank you all as always for reading!
> 
> Thanks as always to my wonderful and spectacular beta picavenger14!! Any silliness is my fault. 
> 
> If you have a minute, let me know what you think!


	15. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the epilogue, and this was a two chapter update, so make sure you read 14 first!!!!!

Though Christmas had passed rather eventfully, it didn’t stop them from celebrating in a rather delayed fashion. Anakin and Ben were sitting on the couch, snuggled up against each other, and the fire was crackling merrily. Satine, Quin, and Qui-Gon had just left after their impromptu belated holiday dinner. It had been fun, but Anakin wasn’t sad that he no longer needed to listen to arguments about the best brand of coconut oil and about the merits of dandelion tea. 

Ben smiled at him and brushed the hair off his face. He looked a bit fragile, but his eyes were bright and clear. He’d been quieter since his illness, but Anakin supposed that was to be expected. 

“I hope you liked your watch.”

“I love it! I’m sorry that I didn’t get you anything… I just, well, haven’t had time.”

“What are you apologizing for, my beloved idiot?” Ben said, looking at him with infinite fondness. 

“You gave me the greatest gift. Yourself, your time, your devotion. You sat with me for days when I was ill. I don’t remember much, but I remember that you were there,” Ben said.

“Do you think that I could ever leave you? I can’t.”

Ben hugged him tightly, pulling Anakin closer against him. 

“Anakin, what do you think about getting a new house? Together?”

“Really, I thought you loved this one?”

“I do, but it’s full of all sorts of memories and ghosts, good and bad. We could get another house, or one of those windowy condos down by the river or by one of the lakes. We could have a new start with our own place.”

Anakin could understand this. He understood it so well. 

“I love it... I want to do it. Let’s start looking once you’ve recovered a little more,” Anakin said.

“All right. We could get a cat?” Ben looked at him, wide-eyed and hopeful. 

“A cat?” Anakin asked, thinking that if that was all it would take to make Ben happy, he’d gladly get 12 cats.

“I’ve always wanted one.”

“A cat sounds good.” 

Anakin leaned against him, reassuring himself that he was real and whole and that they would have this new life together. Whatever hardships came their way, they would tackle them together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooohooo, I've actually finished something!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has read, commented, or left kudos. I treasure you all!
> 
> Thanks doubly to my lovely beta picavenger14!! 
> 
> If any one has prompts for this 'verse or things you might like to see with these two, let me know on Tumblr (darthplodder) or here. I can't make any guarantees, but it might be fun to try it! 
> 
> If you have a minute, let me know what you think!


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